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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 13/12/2023 20:57

@xxWelsh seems very invested in sticking up for the OP/ savaging their ex-wife. How odd!

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 20:58

I just don’t think he’s wrong for wanting a life outside of kids and working to provide for his kids even if it means abroad.

I wouldn’t have an issue with it, at the end of the day everyone’s slating him for wanting to spend time with his girlfriend when they have no right to!!

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:00

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 20:58

I just don’t think he’s wrong for wanting a life outside of kids and working to provide for his kids even if it means abroad.

I wouldn’t have an issue with it, at the end of the day everyone’s slating him for wanting to spend time with his girlfriend when they have no right to!!

A life outside his kids? He barely sees his kids!

He has been on a "few weeks holiday" with his girlfriend this year as he has already stated himself. Now he has an opportunity to see his kids, but instead wants to spend more time with his girlfriend. That is shitty parenting. And this is an advice forum, he's posted asking if he is unreasonable so we have told him that he is.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:01

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 20:58

I just don’t think he’s wrong for wanting a life outside of kids and working to provide for his kids even if it means abroad.

I wouldn’t have an issue with it, at the end of the day everyone’s slating him for wanting to spend time with his girlfriend when they have no right to!!

No one said he was wrong for wanting a life

Despite the girlfriend being the OW no one has said he has no right to see her. You are just making stuff up.

people are slating him because for a whole year he prioritised spending time with his girlfriend and didn’t see his kids at all. He don’t even split his free time between his kids and his girlfriend. He only saw his girlfriend. Even though he has admitted he had the time.

Who are you to say what rights posters have? Op asked for opinions and people gave them. There’s no rule that says peoples opinions have to be acceptable to you.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:02

He also said he doesn’t have a base in the Uk so…

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:03

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:02

He also said he doesn’t have a base in the Uk so…

And?

He earns enough to give the kids the ‘best of everything’ according to you. He can afford to stay in the uk.

he can afford travel to his girlfriend and a few weeks holiday. He can afford to stay near his kids and see them plenty when he is back

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:04

If it was me in the situation, I’d be telling the kids, slowly introducing and then taking the kids away with me and my girlfriend to a country that’s a lot nicer than the UK lol!

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:06

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:04

If it was me in the situation, I’d be telling the kids, slowly introducing and then taking the kids away with me and my girlfriend to a country that’s a lot nicer than the UK lol!

We get it, you're a terrible parent.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:07

Not at all, but why do the two things have to be separate - how does anyone move on if the introducing never happens?

I introduced my partner to my daughter and we are now a family the same as with me and his kids.

i don’t see the big deal

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:10

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:07

Not at all, but why do the two things have to be separate - how does anyone move on if the introducing never happens?

I introduced my partner to my daughter and we are now a family the same as with me and his kids.

i don’t see the big deal

Their father barely sees them. It's not great parenting to introduce a girlfriend who could impose on the already limited time with his kids.

Blended families are usually, in my opinion, done for the selfish reasons of the own adults rather than what is best for the kids.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:11

So, your basically saying then that blended families shouldn’t happen and if mum/dad don’t work out they don’t get with anyone else or introduce the kids to anyone else?

get a grip! Life doesn’t end when you have kids and like I said, it works!

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:12

So use mine as an example, I get on with his ex, his kids, he loves my daughter, she loves him, we are getting married and trying for a baby yet that shouldn’t happen right?

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:13

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:11

So, your basically saying then that blended families shouldn’t happen and if mum/dad don’t work out they don’t get with anyone else or introduce the kids to anyone else?

get a grip! Life doesn’t end when you have kids and like I said, it works!

I'm a lone parent myself. Any dating that I've done has been out of the way of DC as in general I don't think stepfamily situations work. Some do of course, but I think the negatives outweigh the positives.

Anyway, this situation is different because the father barely sees the kids as it is, so when he does it should be focused on them, not his girlfriend.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:14

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:07

Not at all, but why do the two things have to be separate - how does anyone move on if the introducing never happens?

I introduced my partner to my daughter and we are now a family the same as with me and his kids.

i don’t see the big deal

Because he hasn’t seen his own kids in a year: since the split

Decent parents don’t tip up after a year and start making the visits all about them and their new partner and trying to take them away to play happy families.

These kids are young and he has been missing for a fairly big chunk of their lives. Decent parents know you don’t leave for a year come back and make introducing a new partner the priority.

Introducing the girlfriend would be easier if he had bothered coming home at all in the last year.

Again, no one is saying parents can not have new partners. He could have gone on holiday with her and come back and seen his kids. It’s him that decided it was one or the other.

Never seen anyone twist themselves in so many knots to defend someone who doesn’t see their kids for a year (by choice) and then only wants limited contact when they are in the country.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:14

There are millions of step families out there that prove flaws in your logic! Good luck with life, your going to be very lonely!

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:16

Also out of the way of DC so a complete waste of time then if you aren’t willing to progress with anything meaningful?

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:16

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:12

So use mine as an example, I get on with his ex, his kids, he loves my daughter, she loves him, we are getting married and trying for a baby yet that shouldn’t happen right?

It's your life, not mine! You do what you want. My opinion is my own, I'm not forcing you to agree. I rarely think stepfamilies work and I think a lot of the time the adults delude themselves into thinking it's all fine only for problems to arise down the road.

Anyway, you're derailing the thread and making it about you. Let's get back to the actual topic at hand.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:16

But that’s what he’s saying, he’s going to be seeing them when he’s home but wants time to see his girlfriend too. No different to going away with girlfriend and coming home to see kids - it’s splitting time either way

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:17

Excellent idea - OP love your best life, still see your children, stop paying full whack for your ex to stay at home and work on your relationship enough so hopefully one day you and the kids have a family unit! Good luck!

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:18

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:14

There are millions of step families out there that prove flaws in your logic! Good luck with life, your going to be very lonely!

Millions yes, but how many of them are actually happy ones?

I'm not lonely at all. I don't need a partner, I have a fulfilling life without one! I'm sorry if you can't seem to envisage that and think a woman needs a man to be happy.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:19

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:12

So use mine as an example, I get on with his ex, his kids, he loves my daughter, she loves him, we are getting married and trying for a baby yet that shouldn’t happen right?

This isn’t a blended family.

In lots of cases blended families don’t work for all members. Plenty do. Plenty don’t.

But this family won’t blend. Because he isn’t around enough for it to be blended.

Again, this situation isn’t about you. Going back to original point, you seem to be so defensive and taken this thread as an attack on you. Despite you then going to great lengths to how your situation is different.

Op has chosen not to be invoked in his kids lives all year. And was choosing to not really be invoked while he was back. That’s got nothing to do with you.

and if you are so happy with your family, why do you need validation from people you don’t know? Doesn’t add up.

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:20

I was single for 10 years, I know what it’s like to be single and happy I just can’t believe what I was missing out on as now I have a family unit and we couldn’t ask for anything more.

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 21:20

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:20

I was single for 10 years, I know what it’s like to be single and happy I just can’t believe what I was missing out on as now I have a family unit and we couldn’t ask for anything more.

That's great for you. That's not what I desire though. I don't want a man living in my house and I certainly don't want any more kids.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:23

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:16

But that’s what he’s saying, he’s going to be seeing them when he’s home but wants time to see his girlfriend too. No different to going away with girlfriend and coming home to see kids - it’s splitting time either way

And no one said he couldn’t do that.

But he was planning on spending the next couple of weeks with his kids. Then all January with his own family and girlfriend.

He hasn’t seen his kids in a year but was planning on spending most of his time in the UK not seeing them.

he could do the next 2 weeks with his kids. Them time with his girlfriend and family for a few days/ a week and then be with his kids again for a few weeks.

no One said he had to dump the girlfriend and not see his own family ever and not do anything that didn’t involve the kids.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 21:29

xxWelsh · 13/12/2023 21:20

I was single for 10 years, I know what it’s like to be single and happy I just can’t believe what I was missing out on as now I have a family unit and we couldn’t ask for anything more.

Again, how is this anything similar to the op? Aside from you and your dp having kids and them having a a relationship. How is your life in anyway similar to the Ops?

You love your life. That’s great crack on. You don’t need to justify shitty parents. You don’t need to get defensive because someone calls out a shitty parent because they have a vague similarity to your own life. You don’t need to Say shitty things about women because they happened to marry a man they loved that then left them and left them to parent while they have no practical support, or have digs about being solve people being very lonely.

These things are not the sign that someone is happy in their life.

If you were lonely and single, you were lonely and single. That’s not everybody. Plenty of people are single and not lonely at all.

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