For wanting a break after working all year

[Blacksmithpepper]

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

I'd prioritise the children, they grow up really quickly and have long memories. They deserve a dad who puts them first. Maybe have a few days off before you go back to recharge

You didn’t really come to the right place to ask this question.

Taking the children to school and back isn’t spending any quality time with them. It’s a chore, simply getting from A to B. So I don’t agree that you are saying you don’t want to spend time with your children.

If you are working abroad full time so your ex can be a stay at home mum then actually I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If you were a woman asking this about an ex who didn’t work, you would’ve had a very different response.

Oh I’ve seen the updates… if you haven’t bothered with your kids all year then yeah you’re being a knob.

This is NOT the trip for the girlfriend to meet the kids. Please give your ex wife a break, do pick ups and drop offs as much as you can and relish your time in the kids company. If things didn't end well, and just a year ago, please just chill out this Christmas and spend time with your kids and helping your ex with the day to day run around.

Then next year bring her and introduce her as part of the family. But now it's too soon.

My parents divorced and had a great relationship after working really hard at doing so for our sake. I also have a stepson and can understand the intricacies involved here. I feel for your GF - she's part of your life and wants to meet your family, but please please please, this is not the time. The kids must come first. Good luck!

Just so we’re clear…going on holiday with kids is in NO WAY a holiday. Even if you’re with the other parent and able to get a bit of downtime it’s still not a holiday as people without kids with them would experience. So just your ex and the kids is definitely 100% not a holiday for her

Your priority should be your children over any woman, especially the ‘other woman’

apart from throwing money at your kids do you know how to be a parent? Do you understand how hard it is sometimes?

I hope your ex meets someone who will appreciate her AND the kids.

Kids arent Pay to Play. You pay ex and play dad when you fancy it.

Dont stay 2 hours away, see it as an opportunity to be a dad.

And stop saying you pay her. You pay a share of tour hilds accommodation and care costs. She wouldnt live in a 3 bed if she didnt have your kids loving their. She wouldnt buy school uniforms of she didnt have your kids.

Seriously, sort yourself out.

My parents divorced in similar circumstances to you now. Dad had affair, completely work obsessed, provided financially but emotionally absent. GF became second wife, they had child, and I was completely sidelined.

Now I am in my 40s and my relationship with my dad consists of a Christmas card. He’s never met his granddaughter. And I am in therapy still trying to get over his emotional neglect.

I also ended up getting divorced but my ex knew my story and has done everything differently. He puts our daughter ahead of everything and they have an amazing relationship.

I feel like I am your ghost of Christmas future. You can turn this around. You must turn it around. Tell GF that your children are your priority and be there. I promise you the money means nothing to them.

You are one of the worst father figures I've ever read about.
You cheated on your wife and family. You put your girlfriend above your children.
You think you're doing your ex a favour by 'allowing' her to stay at home.
You put money above your family.
You moan when asked to help out.

Just stay out of their lives and let's hope they have better male role models.

So you already see your girlfriend more than your children by your own words your relationship is great but yet you still prioritise your girlfriend when in the UK you should be with your children for your whole stay and your family can meet your girlfriend in the last few days.

Why didn't you meet them at the holiday destination and holiday with your kids instead of holidaying with your girlfriend
You should just bow out of their life for good as you aren't fit to be a father and can't even make time for them you think because you pay you're being a father.

Why does she need help with the school run if she doesn't work? She has all day to herself once they are at school. Wish I had that luxury!

She probably just wants him to actually parent them instead of just paying for them.
It probably hurts her greatly to see other dad's dropping off their kids and they never get that.
Never goes to a school play or a sports day never takes them to an after school club not there for birthdays Christmas or holidays doesn't put them to bed or read a story does taking them to school and picking them up for a weeks really hurt

Doing the school run isn't quality time with his kids though

Yes between 9-3 every day. This is a huge break! She will do some housework and food prep but I am sure much is spent in a cafe with other SAHM and at the gym. This is loads of free time!!!
i agree the father should spend more time with the kids but we can not be saying here that the mum has it bad, when she is basically getting a free paycheck.

You can make these sorts of arrangements work but it looks to me that the split was nasty so everybody just avoids compromise.

You could go back and forth from the US and see your kids more during holidays. You can use your PTO.

I disagree with posters that funding your ex is a good thing. That comes at a high cost to your relationship with your children.

She could work PT and you could visit more often.

That would be better for your children. But this will require discussion and maturity.

I wasn’t a sahm.

But I can see this isn’t a free pay check. A few hours break is not a break from sole responsibility. It’s not a break like a day where the father has the kids.

You still have to be available in case the kids get ill at school. You still have stuff to do. You still face that you are doing every bath time, every meal, every school run, all the clothes, all doctors appointments and dentist, all the wake ups, all the tantrums and so on Responsibility for everything.

Being a single parent with no regular input from the other parent is really hard. The wife here probably has it easier than those of us that work. But it’s still not easy.

I think she needs to be working. And I think he absolutely should come home, earn less and do 50:50. That would make it easier for her to work. Working as a single parent is ridiculously hard and I was lucky I had advanced my career enough that I had the flexibility I needed to maintain my career. Had I agreed with exh to take a career break to being up the kids and then he cheated, worked out do the country and left me in sole charge of the kids it would have been very difficult to find a job that pays well enough to cover my bills and gave me the flexibility I would have needed as the sole carer for the kids.

But the facts are that this set up suits him. He is closer to his girlfriend and aside from sending money, has no responsibility day to day. He could choose to go on holiday with his girlfriend rather than a week with his girlfriend and a week with his kids.

I would imagine that Even if the wife had a great job and earned a good amount of money, he still wouldn’t come home. He still wouldn’t do 50:50. He knows that so he pays up Instead.

He has had far more choice on how this situation has ended up here than his wife has.

If you are a parent, then usually you don't get a break from parenting. It's bon stop. Sending money and spending a few weekends with your DC is not what being a parent is about. If you see them so little, why would you spend time with someone else anyways

Also, have you considered that your ex in fact enabled you do sawn off to a different country to earn a god wage? You wouldn't be able to do this without having a de facto 24/7 childcare at hand.

I will never not be shocked by the attitude of ‘dads’ like you. Your children should be the most important thing in your life. You made that the case when you decided to have them. Your ex has been picking up the pieces ever since you decided to be utterly selfish by not being able to keep it in your pants. She will have wiped your children’s tears when they ask for you (I have done the same with my own child) and will be doing her best to be mum and dad to them all day, every day. She’s the one who is up during the night with them, the one who they go to for help & I bet she spends a big chunk of her day doing chores alone to create a nice home environment & as stable a life as she can for the children you have abandoned. All whilst going through the breakdown of her marriage. There is one person in the wrong here and it’s you. Your ex probably knows how much your children miss & need you, which is why she wants you to help.
Grow up & start being a decent dad to your children rather that just a sperm donor. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.

Yes AIBU. You're going back to where your kids live and you could finally spend some actual time with them, but you prefer a break and chilling with the new gf?
What if your ex just decided that's what she wants too -- a break and some alone time with her new bf? Would you take the kids for a month, or stay in the area to take care of them for that month? If not, why not? And if not, why is it a right for you but not for your ex?
Zeesh dude.

Get a grip OP. You are already missing so much of their childhood, get in the trenches and get on with it.

Your work has already torpedoed your marriage, don’t let it completely ruin your role as father too.

@Movingmumof3 we're unfortunately related to a man who isn't but sounds similar to your ex.
He blames all the logistical fails on the new wife but it's not the full story.

My BIL works in the oil industry, tax free salary, long hours, amazing adrenaline fuelled work in crazy locations.
Holidays he craves the same - riding motorbikes across mountain ranges, going to meet colleagues in Australia. When the kids were tiny he still managed to fit in hours for his pilots licence. At that point for me, finding just 20minutes for a smear test was a major logistical planning exercise.

His photo albums are amazing. Their marriage fell apart. The kids are teens now and really quite screwed up, my BIL tells himself he's done his best, the grand parents cover it up but the rest of us see he is firmly to blame.

They should neuter blokes going onto the seismic ships, it's a rare one that's not actually taking a few extra days leave before flying home, accidently meeting a girlfriend or having to do some 'work' during the holidays. They take the salary, the lifestyle and others at home are just a hobby.

It's going to get even more complicated when the new girlfriend gets pregnant or he takes on stepkids. That really messed with my nieces heads, watching their dad playing happy families with different kids. It wasn't that he couldn't spend time with them, he just didn't want to and the photo albums tell the story.

If your ex is a stay at home Mum, why does she need you to do drops off etc? You already do a lot for her financially by paying her bills. Which, tbh, if I was your girlfriend I wouldn't be happy about. She's your ex wife, aside from child support, and stuff for the kids, you should not be paying her bills. What does she do everyday while the kids are in primary school for 6 hours?

You are entitled to a break, especially if the reason you work so much is to pay for your ex to sit on her bum most of the day for 5 days a week.

Never read anything as ridiculous.

She isn’t the ex wife. She is his wife. The arrangement he has with her are no business of his girlfriends. Why would she have an opinion.

He pays the money because he also wants the kids to have a sahp. He pays the money so he doesn’t have to do any hands on parenting and can spend his life in another country, working, seeings his girlfriend and so on. He knows that him not being in the country makes his wife’s life vastly more difficult.

He could have come back in the last year and chose not too. He chose a few weeks holiday with his girlfriend instead of doing half with her and half with his kids.

The question should be why doesn’t he want to see as much of his kids as possible and only arranged to see them in bits for a couple of the weeks he is home. Another question would be why does he think as a parent he can be at home and not be involved in at least some of the day to day care of their kids.

He isn’t working so she can stay at home. He could make the choice to come home, earn less and do full 50:50 care. But that doesn’t suit him. She is staying home because he works in another country and is doing no practical care.

I think he absolutely should come home, do 50:50 and be a hands on parent and the mother should also work. But he is the one making the majority of the choices.