For wanting a break after working all year

[Blacksmithpepper]

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

Or is he Peter Pan🤣🤷‍♀️

Again, no similarity in my life but I do have friends who have been in similar situations and the ex have taken them for an absolute mug! Be a shame if that happened to this OP!

@xxWelsh

You keep saying how happy you are but you sound ever so angry and defensive. And are arguing against points that nobody has actually made on the thread... it's all a bit odd.

Ah so you know some men who have been taken as a mug so all men must be being taken as a mug. You know a few men who don’t see their kids from year to year. Can’t spoilt their free time between their girlfriends and their kids. Can’t even spend the time they are in the country with their kids, just a small portion of it. And think just paying money out is good enough as a parent.

You need better friends.

It’s the definition of internalised misogyny. That someone has some real bitterness against women because they are women. Which makes sense with you assertion that the ops wife didn’t deserve to be married to him. Based on no evidence, except that ah is a woman. All whole banging on about how you are getting married. Maybe in a few years you will be embarrassed by your attitude. Especially if your dp ever decides he shouldn’t have married you.

Slow burn.... waiting for you to be fuckin roasted as a selfish prick
the result

Also ignoring that the OP had an affair so he's hardly a prince amongst men!

Hahahhaha I have nothing to be embarrassed about - we will be fine, have been through more than most ever will need to already!

as for my friends? Yes, I’ve had some that have been stopped from seeing kids all for monetary gain (if they stop contact, they get more money) I’ve also had some friends kill themselves because of women, I suppose you think that’s acceptable to right?

at the end of the day, irrelivent of our views, the OP IS providing for his kids, he is spending time with them when he’s home I don’t think a holiday with girlfriend or family is the big deal everyone is making it out to be.

Clearly wasn’t happy so 🤷‍♀️

Or come home, have the kids full time for the duration your home and don’t pay a penny to her! If you’ve got the kids there’s no need your housing them and feeding them for that time

Ah yes, it's fine to betray your partner if you're not happy. Making every excuse under the sun for the man's awful behaviour but making up imaginary nonsense to paint his ex as a bad person. Some serious self hatred going on.

No, your friend didn’t kill themselves because of women. Women in general are not to blame for anyone killing themselves. You may decide that it’s an individuals fault that someone killed themselves. Those people maybe women.

That doesn’t mean that all women are terrible people or that the wife here is a terrible person. I suspect that you must have quite awful thoughts. You seem to judge women as automatically awful. You are a woman. Do you really believe you are the exception or judging all women by your own standards?

No one thinks suicide is ok. Who said that? Do you blame all men For domestic violence against women? Or for the weekly murders of women by their male partners or ex partners? When women commit suicide because they have been abused by their male partner do you say ‘they killed themselves because of men’. Or do you like to point how it was, in some ways, the women’s faults?

He isn’t providing. He is providing financial because he wants the kids to have a sahm. He provides no practical support. No emotional support for the kids. He ain’t present. Money is not the only way you should support for your children.

He was planning on spending a small portion of the time he was here with them. After not seeing them for a year, despite having the time to do so. That’s not good enough. If you think it is, maybe you should raise your standards.

and how do you know you have been through more than most?

That’s personal what we have been through but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!

Ah that makes it ok.

Couldn’t possibly expect a man to end his marriage if he is unhappy until he finds someone’s else.

and if he wasn’t happy it’s fine for him to check out parenting.

Didn’t say you would.

But you have no clue what others have been through. So you don’t know you have been through more than most.

Personally if I worked away for months on end I’d wanting to be with my kids 24/7.

but I’ve been in a relationship with a man like you who worked away for long periods so I know what selfish arseholes they become.

if that’s projection it’s only because I know for a fact that that is what 90% of them are like. As do you.

Bit late to the party here but me and ex-hubby split almost 11 years ago. 3 DC, ages 13, 12 & 11. He works away, 3 months on/2 months off and has always paid his ‘fair share’ although not enough for me to be a SAHM - I also work a FT managerial role in the NHS after starting at the bottom 10 years ago and being lucky enough to work my way up.

As you can tell, our kids were tiny babies when we split and at the time we lived up north where I am from, he’s originally from Devon and had no ties to the north apart from me. When we split I moved down south with the kids as it’s what worked best for me and well, he worked away, had no ties up north as all of his family were down south/devon so it should have been what was best for everyone.

He stayed up north because of the football team he supported….in the beginning when he was home for 2 months at a time I used to have to drive our DC by myself the 300 mile trip to get their dad to see them. I would do the 600 mile round trip in one day to drop them off, and then do it 600 mile round trip a few days later just to pick them up. That was the only few days he would see them for during the whole 2 months he was home.

It improved a bit when he got together with his current GF, probably around 6 years ago now. She has 2 DC from previous relationships, he would see them for longer when he was home, they would go on holidays, they got a 7 seater car to fit all the kids in…great I thought, until it wasn’t. The kids came home following one holiday to say that the GF started to be ‘horrible to them’ so I queried this with ex and just got ‘I didn’t notice anything’. He went to work and when he came back told me that while he was working, the GF had swapped their 7 seater car for a 4 seater Fiat Panda…so basically they couldn’t take my kids anywhere with them. Then the GF stopped ex being able to communicate with me and he only talks to our 13 yo via WhatsApp to organise things. And now he comes down for one Fri - Sun when he is home (that’s 2 nights in a whole 2 months) and that’s how often he sees them in a 5 month period.

But sure enough the kids see photos of him, his GF and her DC travelling and enjoying holidays without them during the other 58 - 60 days he is home from work not bothering with them.

And trust me, I am not jealous, I have zero bitterness about the end of the relationship between him and I. Just pure disappointment for my children as they deserve better…and yeah, where is my break?!

Your children will notice one day like mine have started to and may make the decision that you’re not worth their time like they haven’t been worth yours.

Yes you’re in the wrong. Thank god your ex wife doesn’t just “take a break” you think money is enough lol. Your children, it’s a short ride you know… I hope you don’t regret your choices. Good luck

I think you should try & do at least some drop offs & pick ups, as I’m sure that would make your kids really happy.

My husband works long hours, has to travel & is often unavailable to help with the school run, so I do most of it, which is absolutely fine with me as I work part time to facilitate this.

But on the occasions when my husband is around for the school run my kids are always so excited that he can do it & go out with great big grins on their faces (wish I could get the same attitude from them in the morning! 😂)

You say you love your kids - your actions are what will show this to them, by prioritising their needs ahead of your own as much as you can in the short periods you’re around to do so.

If you want a break I’d say take a holiday in another country with your gf after your UK trip is over. That way you don’t have to be torn between different people while you’re here, which might also make the trip feel less stressful for you.

Ah so I’ve read your updates. I was 100% spot on in my assumptions, not just me projecting from my own experience.

Man working away, meets other woman, has affair, checks out of family life completely, then puzzled as to why ex no longer wants to facilitate their selfish arseholery.

Ive seen it a million times before. It’s such a cliche. It’s so boringly predictable.

your wife has seen through. Your kids will too. And there’s a more than 50/50 chance your girlfriend will too.

you’re earning plenty of money (oil and gas?) so rent an air BnB near the family home that you kindly allowed your wife and kids to stay in while you shagged your way round the USA, and make Time for your children. Take them to see your family.

This has to be a joke, right?

Hmmmm - I mean your not wrong but….

yes you pay all the bills so your ex wife doesn’t “work” but honestly raising two children is work (lovely yes - but defo work) & due to your employment situation meaning your away most of the year your ex wife really does it all.

perhaps going forward you could relocate on your time off to much closer to your children? As surly you would want to spend as much time with them as possible.

This time - I would certainly try to help as much as possible (trust me as a mama the 6 hours the kids are at school are the quickest 6 hours of your life) - perhaps your girlfriend could do some of the drop off/pick ups with you then you could see her as well as your children.

children are not young for long - try to prioritise them as they will be keen to see you am sure, and it’s hard for kids to fully understand why you work away - at least your gf will understand.

lastly we all want “A break” don’t mean we get it - welcome to parenthood lol!

I think it would be acceptable to say I will do some. Perhaps you could either do two weeks and her two weeks or chose if you want to drop them off or pick them up..
End of the day they are your kids and you can't just not help out because you work. My partner works he still picks up our daughter after school. Regardless of what she does they are your kids and you should want to help and it's a way of you seeing them as well.. prioritise your kids over your girlfriend.

You are aware that taking kids on a holiday isn't a holiday for her right?
You want to go be with your affair girl and not help or see your kids as a holiday when you should be dying to see them and spend time because you obviously rarely do. For a mum taking kids on holiday is stress planning and still being a mum so no please don't say you want a holiday too because she hasn't actually had one the kids did.

I know! There is something very weird about xxWelsh's posts.

So fair enough it's tricky for you to do drop off and pick up because you're not living locally etc. Could you do pick up and after school stuff while being based with family 2 hours away I think is what you said? With you working away they're not going to see you that much so I'd be jumping at the opportunity to see them and get to share their daily routine etc
The girlfriend should understand that your children come first. I did, when I was in a new relationship with a parent many years ago.