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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:22

Do you really think your stepchildren live on twice the money your dh pays for them, or does their mother contribute the vast majority of the time and money it costs to bring them up? I'd argue that, when you agreed to have children with a man who already has children, you committed to at least allowing him to provide adequately for them.

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:26

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:39

@notlucreziaborgia I don’t care whether it is hard on the DSC’s mum. I do care whether it is hard on the DSC. Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses. This doesn’t include treats such as holidays abroad. Other very expensive optionals shouldn’t count either as they don’t replace necessities.

If DF cannot do this, then what? One option is to earn more, another is to turn to his DW. Any solution is likely to have ramifications for OP.

He has them half the week and pays maintenance I think you are projecting here
If the Ex wants to improve her situation she could get a better paid job

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:28

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:22

Do you really think your stepchildren live on twice the money your dh pays for them, or does their mother contribute the vast majority of the time and money it costs to bring them up? I'd argue that, when you agreed to have children with a man who already has children, you committed to at least allowing him to provide adequately for them.

You can argue what you its irrelevant the the dad is already paying maintenance and having the kids three nights a week

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 15:29

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:22

Do you really think your stepchildren live on twice the money your dh pays for them, or does their mother contribute the vast majority of the time and money it costs to bring them up? I'd argue that, when you agreed to have children with a man who already has children, you committed to at least allowing him to provide adequately for them.

Ding ding! We have a bingo winner at last

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:29

But how much maintenance is he paying? Does he pay 3/7 of the cost of clothing, any medical stuff, school trips etc?

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 15:31

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:29

But how much maintenance is he paying? Does he pay 3/7 of the cost of clothing, any medical stuff, school trips etc?

Nothing 👏 to 👏 do 👏 with 👏 OP.

Not her job to top it up if he isn’t. That’s for him to sort with his ex.

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:33

Yes and I'm sure if he flipped it and provided fully for his first two kids and only partially for his younger two she'd be delighted.

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:35

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:33

Yes and I'm sure if he flipped it and provided fully for his first two kids and only partially for his younger two she'd be delighted.

Projecting much?
Seriously some posters twist everything to make out the mothers are reasonable even when they are very unreasonable🙄

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:36

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:29

But how much maintenance is he paying? Does he pay 3/7 of the cost of clothing, any medical stuff, school trips etc?

Does the mother?

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 15:37

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:33

Yes and I'm sure if he flipped it and provided fully for his first two kids and only partially for his younger two she'd be delighted.

Well she could always ask his ex to help pay, that seems to be how it works?

Gymnopedie · 12/12/2023 15:43

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 15:33

Yes and I'm sure if he flipped it and provided fully for his first two kids and only partially for his younger two she'd be delighted.

But he's not providing fully for his younger two is he? Because OP pays for them too.

OP you have NO financial responsibility for the children he has with his ex. You already pay for them indirectly if they're with you three days a week, with higher bills and more food. then you pay for them directly by buying them things when they're with you for nearly half the week.

You need to explain to him that if he ups his contribution to pay her more and that means you have to pay more into the household, you might as well cut out the middle man (him) and give your money directly to her. Would he think that was reasonable? For children who are not related to you and not your responsibilty?

Then he needs to explain to his ex that you don't share finances, that anything you have for yourself comes out of your money and is nothing to do with the relationship between his and ex.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 15:43

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:26

He has them half the week and pays maintenance I think you are projecting here
If the Ex wants to improve her situation she could get a better paid job

Show quote history

Happily this situation has nothing to do with my life, now or earlier. But if you are an MN regular you will readily recognise it.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 15:45

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:36

Does the mother?

Show quote history

All is a mystery, @x2boys

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2023 15:50

For anyone to know whether this is fair you really need to say what he is paying for, for his first children? And what days is he looking after them? Is he doing a fair share of Monday to Friday?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/12/2023 15:55

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2023 15:50

For anyone to know whether this is fair you really need to say what he is paying for, for his first children? And what days is he looking after them? Is he doing a fair share of Monday to Friday?

That doesn’t remotely matter.

The OPs salary is nothing to do with any of that.

if his ex has an issue with what he’s paying or doing she should address that. Not expect the Op’s cash.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 15:55

Thank you, @BungleandGeorge

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 15:57

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2023 15:50

For anyone to know whether this is fair you really need to say what he is paying for, for his first children? And what days is he looking after them? Is he doing a fair share of Monday to Friday?

None of this has any relevance to the OP being asked to contribute.

It’s not about making the children’s lives fair. It’s about who is responsible for who.

Treesinmygarden · 12/12/2023 15:57

No no no no no!!

Not your monkeys, not your circus,

Not sure why he's paying maintenance either, as they're practically 50-50.

This is a dealbreaker.

Museum10665 · 12/12/2023 16:00

@19lottie82 the question to ask your dh, would be if his ex were richer would they pay extra maintance ?

Icantbedoingwithit · 12/12/2023 16:01

God no! Not a chance!

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 16:07

No the ex should not expect the OP’s cash but she should expect her children’s father to shoulder half the load. If that means he needs to step up financially or otherwise it is very likely to affect the OP’s life.

How OP and her DH work this out is a private matter

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2023 16:07

Not quite that simple. They’ve been married for 5 years, presuming this is uk they’re most likely entitled to 50:50 of all assets. One high earner and one low earner paying proportionately the same isn’t necessarily fair as the higher earner will have a lot more disposable income. So the way the split is, is making him intentionally poorer, but he should have more money for his first lot of children. She’s topping him up for luxuries but he’s actually entitled to half her assets.and of course OP hasn’t said how much he is actually paying.. If they weren’t married I’d agree with you.

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2023 16:10

The problem when people, such as ex partners, often start going on about fairness, it's often in situations where their nose is out of joint that their ex has formed a relationship with someone earning a good salary. Conveniently, you don't see threads saying "my ex is living in a house share whilst I'm doing ok for myself, do you think I ought to top his bank balance up each week so it's fair for the children to have two nice homes?"

Children have a mother and a father. Setting aside situations where one parent fucks off or where the father is deliberately kept in the dark, they have two parents responsible for them financially. New partners don't need to be subsidising ex partners.

The same sort of thing happens in blended families when exes get their nose out of joint that their ex treats all his kids the same, but new partner is able to treat their children to more. Ex is usually furious.
In the world of the ex:
Their children: financially provided for by mother, father and generous top up from step mother
New partner's children: only get things from mother and father, and should have less from their mother because new partner should subsidise their step children (usually whilst screaming "but you chose a man with kids!!!")

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 16:12

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2023 16:07

Not quite that simple. They’ve been married for 5 years, presuming this is uk they’re most likely entitled to 50:50 of all assets. One high earner and one low earner paying proportionately the same isn’t necessarily fair as the higher earner will have a lot more disposable income. So the way the split is, is making him intentionally poorer, but he should have more money for his first lot of children. She’s topping him up for luxuries but he’s actually entitled to half her assets.and of course OP hasn’t said how much he is actually paying.. If they weren’t married I’d agree with you.

CMS is only rated on the NRP’s salary. The household income, and how they split living costs in their home isn’t relevant, neither is remarriage

Iloveacurry · 12/12/2023 16:13

What did he say when you said no?