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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/12/2023 14:19

Wow, how embarrassing for this woman to be trying to mooch off her ex's wife!
DH isn't covering himself in glory either for even passing this on let alone agreeing with the principle!
I'd be telling him I'd pay up as soon as he found a random unrelated person with no responsibility towards me to get money from to make up the difference with regards to my own DC.

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 14:21

Screwballs · 12/12/2023 14:12

Jealousy or not, no one owed you or your mum a better standard of living than your mum and dad could afford, certainly not your step mum or half/step siblings. Maybe you should aim your resentment at your dad for not earning enough.

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Fascinating reading the scenario you've completely made up. People on the internet are so weird.

Reesescheeses · 12/12/2023 14:21

he can just reply ‘Sorry but onionparker and I keep our finances separate so I don’t have the extra cash to give you more.’

Nonimai · 12/12/2023 14:23

You should definitely not contribute. This has nothing really to do with the fact that you earn so much more, she just is finding reasons to guilt him into paying more. I am normally an advocate for pooling household income, but would be careful here - on the one hand it is great that he wants to support his children, but if supporting them over the child maintenance limit compromises his ability to support/contribute to his current family, then he needs to accept this. Can he take more access?

salamirose · 12/12/2023 14:25

No way. Divorce your DH

salamirose · 12/12/2023 14:26

If their parents want them to have more financially then they both need to earn more. Not outsource it to you. How embarrassing for the pair of them. So shamefull.

JANEY205 · 12/12/2023 14:27

NO.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

No is a full sentence and they are both being cheeky grabby fuckers. Let him know if he continues he will be paying maintenance for 4 children and then his ex will get even less! They are not your children and you sound very generous!!

Olika · 12/12/2023 14:30

Never in a million years.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:30

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:47

Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses

What necessary expenses are you talking about? This isn’t anything he has to provide, he can if he is able and wants to. If he can’t, there’s absolutely nothing binding on the OP or anyone else to mitigate this.

The CM is to help with expenses and it is seldom enough.

We don’t even know whether OP’s DH pays for the clothing the DSC wear at his house. He is also supposed to pay proportionately for school uniforms, sports activities and hobbies, presents, music lessons, after school clubs on his residential days, etc, summer programmes, etc. Then CM is supposed to even things up.

He may or may not be paying his proper share. If he is not but OP is giving her DSC expensive holidays and treats - we simply do not know - those DSC are receiving a very mixed message. Whether OP or her DH pay for what is not uppermost in their minds. It will feel like they have a Disney Dad. That isn’t the OP’s fault but it is why I think the question of how well the DF is providing is so important.

Socialyawkward · 12/12/2023 14:34

Has she been watching too many USA shows ? I believe USA used combined income and similar lifestyle policies. Ime if one household has holidays they should pay the other household enough to do so. This is bat poo crazy though. No you should keep your money. Do a cms calculation your dp pays her based on that ?

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 14:36

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:04

And perhaps the only way this can be done is if the OP’s young DC spend more time in care than she likes, or she cuts back her hours. All I said is that there will likely be ramifications for her.

How DH allocates any additional earnings is a private matter for him and OP. She has not sought advice on this point

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OP can choose to facilitate him changing career/working patterns or not. Regardless, the bottom line is that his kids are the responsibility of him and their mother, not OP.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 14:38

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:30

The CM is to help with expenses and it is seldom enough.

We don’t even know whether OP’s DH pays for the clothing the DSC wear at his house. He is also supposed to pay proportionately for school uniforms, sports activities and hobbies, presents, music lessons, after school clubs on his residential days, etc, summer programmes, etc. Then CM is supposed to even things up.

He may or may not be paying his proper share. If he is not but OP is giving her DSC expensive holidays and treats - we simply do not know - those DSC are receiving a very mixed message. Whether OP or her DH pay for what is not uppermost in their minds. It will feel like they have a Disney Dad. That isn’t the OP’s fault but it is why I think the question of how well the DF is providing is so important.

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I pay for DSC to come on holiday, and for food/clothing/meals out when they are with us etc. Most of these things are far nicer standard than what they have with their DM as she is on minimum wage (she is paid full, maximum rate of CMS but myself and DH are high earners). If I was told to stop doing this and start giving them money directly so they could have stuff at their DM’s house I’d simply stop paying at all.

NB - CMS is not aimed at ‘evening things up’. It’s purely based on the salary of the NRP, nothing else. What the RP earns or doesn’t earn isn’t relevant. So, like everyone else, they have to cut their cloth according to what they have.

Again, none of the above is anything to do with the OP. She doesn’t have to think how it comes across, how the DSC might feel, how the DM feels, how the optics are. It’s nothing to do with her. And they are massively CF’s to have even considered demanded it might.

tachycardigan · 12/12/2023 14:39

Hope OP is coming back to her thread, and that she’s just busy.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 14:41

tachycardigan · 12/12/2023 14:39

Hope OP is coming back to her thread, and that she’s just busy.

Hope the cheeky fucker ex-wife comes across the thread and reads what people think of her

Riverstep · 12/12/2023 14:52

So your dh thinks it’s acceptable for your income to be used to financially support his children with another woman, is he Kevin Federline? I read some crazy things on mn but this has to be up there with the most ridiculous. Of course YANBU- you sound like the only one with your head screwed on tbh.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:52

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 14:38

I pay for DSC to come on holiday, and for food/clothing/meals out when they are with us etc. Most of these things are far nicer standard than what they have with their DM as she is on minimum wage (she is paid full, maximum rate of CMS but myself and DH are high earners). If I was told to stop doing this and start giving them money directly so they could have stuff at their DM’s house I’d simply stop paying at all.

NB - CMS is not aimed at ‘evening things up’. It’s purely based on the salary of the NRP, nothing else. What the RP earns or doesn’t earn isn’t relevant. So, like everyone else, they have to cut their cloth according to what they have.

Again, none of the above is anything to do with the OP. She doesn’t have to think how it comes across, how the DSC might feel, how the DM feels, how the optics are. It’s nothing to do with her. And they are massively CF’s to have even considered demanded it might.

Edited
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This post contains many irrelevancies. No one has suggested that most of what you address is at issue

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 14:57

He has the kids a fraction under 50%, surely he isn't paying tons? Splitting uniform costs, school trips is extra but as hoc. Absolutely no reason if he wants to give her more money, baring in mind he has them 3/7s of the time, he should use your money for it.

Loubelou14 · 12/12/2023 14:57

If they didn't get a financial order at the time of their divorce could she be entitled to this....I think she might so although I am in your corner I think there's a chance she could claim this.

LadyBird1973 · 12/12/2023 14:59

If I were you I'd see a solicitor about legally ring fencing the house you bought with your inheritance. If it's the marital home, your dh could have a claim should you divorce, regardless of whether it's bought with your own money from inheritance, even though usually inheritance isn't considered part of the marital pot.
That he's taking her side on this would make me very wary and inclined to pull back further on what I'm willing to pay towards.

I must admit I've heard that courts can decide he has a high family income and therefore force him to pay higher maintenance, on the basis that he wouldn't be financially disadvantaged due to your income. While not the exact same as making you directly responsible for his child support, it does in an indirect way. I don't know what would happen if you were to tell a court all finances are separate.
But get legal advice - if you die before him or separate, is his ex going to have an eye on your house, for her kids inheritance? Would your dh expect all kids to inherit equally? These are things you need to iron out.

eardefender · 12/12/2023 15:01

op if he has them 3 nights a week then surely the amount he is paying in maintenance is very small, they practically have shared custody.
why not just have a shared 50/50 arrangement and not pay any maintenance any more and just share costs for clothes etc with his ex. Sounds like she is doing very well out of the arrangement and this isn't financially fair to your ex.

ChristmasMadnessCountdownHell · 12/12/2023 15:02

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 14:41

Hope the cheeky fucker ex-wife comes across the thread and reads what people think of her

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If only!

SunCreamQueenie · 12/12/2023 15:09

Absolutely 💯 you're not being unreasonable. If she went through CMS she'd realise your income is not expected to be included. She shouldn't be asking based on what she thinks you have, and he shouldn't have gone along with her nonsense! Stand firm @onionparker xx

JoyeuxNarwhal · 12/12/2023 15:10

If they were still together they'd manage on his and her salaries, why does she expect it to be different now? Does she have a partner that she can sponge off can help her out if she really needs it? Or does she just want nice things because you have them? If so, tell her she can earn them herself like you do!

If that's not clear - YANBU!

x2boys · 12/12/2023 15:11

ChateauDuMont · 12/12/2023 12:50

He made the decision to get with another woman and have more children so it's up to him to earn enough money to provide for both sets of children.

If his job at the money isn't enough then he has to look for a better paying job, or find an additional income or study whilst working to improve his chances of getting a better job.

The ex is jealous.

Whilst the Ex sits on her arse doing fuck all too improve her situation?
The Father pays maintenance and has the kids three days a week why does he need to earn more why can't the Ex ?

Delphinium20 · 12/12/2023 15:14

YANBU. She's trying to push to see how much more she can squeeze from you. Protect your money!!!