Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

[onionparker]

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

YANBU. Put your foot down Op and tell them both to get fucked the absolute pair of cheeky bastards. There shouldn’t be hardly any maintenance being paid as that’s nearly 50/50. Id ask how he’s going to expect to pay maintenance to your step kids and your shared kids if you leave him? I’d be leaving him if my husband was that grabby and inattentive to your needs. Talk about disrespecting the effort you put in to working for your wage. Suggest he gets a better job if he wants to pay more for maintenance but your shared children should get the same benefit.

If the kids are with you 3 nights a week, shouldn’t his payment go down and not up? She’s being a CF and you are 💯 not being unreasonable.

OP, are you coming back?

Depends on whether she took measures to protect her assets prior to the marriage. Considering how concerned OP clearly is about her financial independence, I would suspect that she did.

There’s also the issue of the kids they share. He isn’t just responsible for his first two, but for his younger children as well.

She can expect what she likes, but beyond the maintenance he gives her for the one day a week more she has them, he doesn’t in fact have to give her anything else.

OP doesn’t have to contribute money herself, and nor does she need to agree to him making any changes that would require her input.

It’s not the case and nor should it be. Your step children are not your financial burden. I make more than my DH and his ex combined and I asked the solicitor before I married him if my salary and assets would ever be taken into account when married and he assured me absolutely not.

OP and her DH aren't divorcing though? The typical provisions in respect of asset division on divorce in England and Wales aren't relevant to calculations of maintenance, and being married to someone doesn't entitle you to their income during the marriage. You're talking about things that kick in when the relationship ends.

The problem seems to be that your husband has more children than he can comfortably afford. Unless you dragooned him into that situation, it's not your problem to solve.

Absolutely not unreasonable.

I say this as a parent receiving maintenance who's ex dropped to 3 days a week to pay me less. He lives in her house for free and I presume she pays for all the needs of their joint child. It's her money, she may be an amazing step mum but she's not financially responsible for my children

Bow do you,work that out?

so currently he pays less than you for the household based on his salary - do you factor inthe extra children when they are with you - so he pays for their share? (Didn't think so) and how many times a week does ex pop over and do the cleaning or cook tea? Babysit your kids?

I think you need to have a relook at what each of you are paying and make sure it is reflective of true cost with two extra kids on his side and I would be telling him if she is so keen on you paying her to look after her own kids (cos that is what she really wants) then you need to see her cleaning your toilets and contributing to cooking and washing up once in a while.

I would suggest DH goes 50 50 with the children and see how she likes that

3 nights out of 7 is nearly 50/50, and the OP's DH is paying maintenance which probably covers the extra day each week.

Yes, there are essential extras like school uniform, holiday childcare etc and I agree with the principle that these costs should be shared equally between both parents but I presume that the mum is in receipt of child benefit that would go some way towards covering these expenses as well, so that should be used first and any additional costs should then be split 50/50.

Optional extras such as hobbies, activities etc need to be negotiated and shared between the parents, and the extent to which these can be afforded will depend on the parents' means, which is the same for children whose parents are still together. If either parent unilaterally decides to send the kids to a particular activity, I don't think it's the other parent's responsibility to contribute to that.

Your H is trying to take what he thinks is the easy way out by agreeing with his ex.

Stick to your guns, OP.

You've worked hard and been sensible with money to get to where you are - not to give it away to another family.

Make it a very firm no and tell them to stop asking.

This has already been done to death and misses the point of how the goal will be achieved in the real world. OP’s marriage will not thrive unless both partners are doing at least all right. Putting DH in an impossible situation doesn’t ultimately benefit her.

As I’ve said, there is still the possibility that OP and her DH are in fact generous and the mum is a CF. We just don’t know

YANBU OP. I suggest you tell him you’ll start contributing to his kids with her when she starts contributing to your kids.

Exactly as it should be! The parents responsibility and parents alone. Yeh if step parents want to treat them fair enough but definitely not being made to contribute to maintenance each month

What the actual?! I would never ask this of my ex and his partner. Don't get me wrong I'm sometimes very envious that they have double incomes, and lots of free time to cultivate careers and spend their money on fun things. Whereas I’m single still and every month is a struggle. But that’s life, it’s a hard pill and you’ve gotta swallow it sometimes.

Don’t pay any of your money to them, you’re already contributing by paying more in bills etc.

If he has the dc half the week then he shouldn’t be paying much maintenance anyway?

You earning have nothing to do with what he pays. Both him and his ex are being unreasonable, maybe they should both get extra work if they can’t afford to support their kids? It’s not your responsibility.

I also agree to you keeping your money separate, I did this with the father of my dc and glad I did because eventually we split and I had enough money to tidy me over (didn’t need to access a joint account or risk him taking it all).

Whilst my instinct is to agree with you entirely and CMS would never take your income into account. However if it was the other way around, the father earned more than the mother, then everyone would be saying that the children deserve the same lifestyle....

That’s the children’s father. Of course his greater income should benefit them.

And making financial demands of OP will hardly benefit him, or any of his children.

Depending on how well OP has protected her assets, he’s potentially got far more to lose than her. Even if, in the event of a split, he walked away with half, he would have four children he would be required to support, whereas she has two. She also has the better job. She would still be in a better position than him.

YANBU

I hope you ringfenced your deposit monies on the home you purchased

An obvious point.

Just say 'nope'. Otherwise you will consider billing both of them for the spending you make on their children.