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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 13:45

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:25

Who did you resent, and how do you feel about it now?

Show quote history

Oh, all the adults involved! I am 48 now and it still rankles. But that's another story for another thread, it's not exactly the same as the OP's.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:47

Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses

What necessary expenses are you talking about? This isn’t anything he has to provide, he can if he is able and wants to. If he can’t, there’s absolutely nothing binding on the OP or anyone else to mitigate this.

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:47

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:39

@notlucreziaborgia I don’t care whether it is hard on the DSC’s mum. I do care whether it is hard on the DSC. Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses. This doesn’t include treats such as holidays abroad. Other very expensive optionals shouldn’t count either as they don’t replace necessities.

If DF cannot do this, then what? One option is to earn more, another is to turn to his DW. Any solution is likely to have ramifications for OP.

The dad (and his wife) already pay for everything 3/7. If their mum pays for the same that leaves 4-5 days a month to split. It’s hugely unlikely that their essentials on 2-2.5 days a month cost more than the maintenance he’s paying.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:48

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 13:45

Oh, all the adults involved! I am 48 now and it still rankles. But that's another story for another thread, it's not exactly the same as the OP's.

Show quote history

I hope you can see now that it’s nothing to do with your step parent.

Coconutter24 · 12/12/2023 13:48

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

It isn’t the case. It goes on the parents earnings

BaconMassive · 12/12/2023 13:53

I would imagine these ground rules would have been discussed previously? Like before getting married to someone with children.

If the mother of the children's circumstances changed to have significantly more income to yours, would she contribute to your household? Therein lies the answer.

Lubilu02 · 12/12/2023 13:57

Not your job at all.

If he thinks his children should be getting more, then he can take a leaf out of your book to aim higher and get a better paid job.

Certainly not feed off of you!

tachetastic · 12/12/2023 13:59

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

Who is being unreasonable? It's the man in the situation, obviously. This is Mumsnet!!! 😂

And in this case that is right. The ex is looking out for her DC's interests. It's your DH expecting you to pay maintenance so that his ex's lifestyle is more like yours that is madness. Tell them both absolutely no way, and don't give in on this one.

Also watch out for stealth tactics where he sends the extra cash without telling you and then expects you to pay for the shopping or petrol or meals out because he's "a bit short this month".

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 13:59

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:39

@notlucreziaborgia I don’t care whether it is hard on the DSC’s mum. I do care whether it is hard on the DSC. Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses. This doesn’t include treats such as holidays abroad. Other very expensive optionals shouldn’t count either as they don’t replace necessities.

If DF cannot do this, then what? One option is to earn more, another is to turn to his DW. Any solution is likely to have ramifications for OP.

That is the responsibility of their two parents, not OP. If the solution is that he improves his prospects and earns more then sure, but if that happens he also has a responsibility to increase his contribution to his household, and the two children he has with OP.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:00

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:47

The dad (and his wife) already pay for everything 3/7. If their mum pays for the same that leaves 4-5 days a month to split. It’s hugely unlikely that their essentials on 2-2.5 days a month cost more than the maintenance he’s paying.

Show quote history

We have no idea about this. We know he pays for their food, shelter, utilities and transport costs 3/7 of the time and a small bit of CM.

MN contains frequent threads from mums explaining that their DC fathers do not pay for school uniforms, sporting and hobby expenses, after school activities, music lessons, presents, driving lessons and even the clothing for the DF residence.

My first post on this seems to have gone unnoticed.

It makes all the difference

BloodyAdultDC · 12/12/2023 14:01

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Because it's not the case, that's why...

harriethoyle · 12/12/2023 14:02

DH's ex tried this when we got serious and was told firmly to bugger right off by DH. Cannot BELIEVE your DH is even entertaining this!

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 14:04

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:48

I hope you can see now that it’s nothing to do with your step parent.

Show quote history

Oh - you know my family and specific circumstances, do you?

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:04

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 13:59

That is the responsibility of their two parents, not OP. If the solution is that he improves his prospects and earns more then sure, but if that happens he also has a responsibility to increase his contribution to his household, and the two children he has with OP.

Show quote history

And perhaps the only way this can be done is if the OP’s young DC spend more time in care than she likes, or she cuts back her hours. All I said is that there will likely be ramifications for her.

How DH allocates any additional earnings is a private matter for him and OP. She has not sought advice on this point

SuspiciousSue · 12/12/2023 14:04

We had this with the ex too. In fact, when DH first started paying, he actually got a message from her saying ‘I need @suspicioussue’s financial details to give to the CMS!!’ This was after she’d screamed in my face the previous week. My response to her was less than favourable, let’s just leave it at that.

londonmummy1966 · 12/12/2023 14:04

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:47

The dad (and his wife) already pay for everything 3/7. If their mum pays for the same that leaves 4-5 days a month to split. It’s hugely unlikely that their essentials on 2-2.5 days a month cost more than the maintenance he’s paying.

Show quote history

I think what @poetryandwine is saying is that the OP and her DH pay for the roof over the DSC's head and the heating/water/food for the 3 days a week they stay with them. However, there are more costs for children than that eg school uniform school trips, activities, stationery and other school related equipment - might be a mobile phone or a laptop depending on how old the DC are - winter coats and shoes. Ideally these costs would be split 50:50 between the DH and his ex although lots of NRPs don't take responsibility for this. The problem would arise if the DSC are getting expensive holidays and days out which the OP is generously providing but their father isn't meeting these costs and the mother is struggling to balance heating and eating or to replace an outgrown pair of school shoes etc.

Assuming that my understanding is correct then it is a fair point. Legally the OP has no financial responsibility to the DSC and assuming that her DH sees that his children are properly housed fed clothed shod and have the equipment etc the need for school the he should not be playing along with his ex. If he isn't then perhaps he does need to step up although not at the OPs expense.

Gillypie23 · 12/12/2023 14:06

The ex has a cheek. Tell your husband no way

Kisskiss · 12/12/2023 14:10

She can go buzz off. You’re totally correct- dsc have two parents to support them, ex and your dh, none of your business!
is your dh mad

Screwballs · 12/12/2023 14:10

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Because it isn't the case? Go on the GOV website and educate yourself. Why should an unrelated woman (or man tbf) pay for someone else's kids? What a bizarre thought.

ChristmasMadnessCountdownHell · 12/12/2023 14:10

I haven't read the thread but the children are DH and his exes responsibility to support, as much her as him equally.

Your earnings are none of her business and no absolutely your salary should not go towards funding her children or her in anyway. Not your problem.

Screwballs · 12/12/2023 14:12

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 14:04

Oh - you know my family and specific circumstances, do you?

Show quote history

Jealousy or not, no one owed you or your mum a better standard of living than your mum and dad could afford, certainly not your step mum or half/step siblings. Maybe you should aim your resentment at your dad for not earning enough.

FictionalCharacter · 12/12/2023 14:17

Octavia64 · 12/12/2023 12:19

There is a calculator available that tells you what the government cms service would assess him as needing to pay.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

If I were you I would check this and compare it to how much he pays already.

If he is paying less than the cms amount I would consider upping it (it's generally considered that the amounts from the calculator are low compared to how much children cost).

Otherwise, unless the kids are clearly not fed, no new clothes etc I wouldn't be considering upping it.

You mean he should consider upping it. It isn't for the OP to pay, evaluate, or assist with in any way. He pays, with his money.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/12/2023 14:17

Even when a partners income did have to be declared to CSA they were never expected to actually pay toward maintenance. They were only taken into account with regard to the deductibles the NRP could claim at the time.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 14:18

Thank you @londonmummy1966 !

I do think it is OP’s DH who should step up if that is necessary for him to meet true 50% support. But if OP’s life would change unacceptably I don’t think she would be sacrificing to help him. That would be a free choice.

However I would make a point of spending the £££ directly on DSC (rather getting DH to do that). It isn’t right that single mums are frequently tasked with all the shopping and it would prevent him giving his ex more money directly

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 12/12/2023 14:18

@onionparker you are absolutely right to say no to your DH and his ex. Make sure that you continue to keep separate finances so that his ex can’t get her sticky paws on your dosh. Don’t continue to argue or explain yourself to DH, just keep saying a clear no as that’s all that he needs to hear from you.

My DH’s ex has tried her luck with similar requests and my DH doesn’t even bother to discuss it with me now, he just says no straight away!