To starve ds

[Spinningscrewdriverss]

I mean not really but ffs

Ds takes forever to eat and doesn’t generally eat more than two mouthfuls unless I feed him. I don’t mind this, I’d rather he ate, but just lately when I try to he gets upset ‘mine, I’ll do it!’ But then doesn’t.

AIBU to throw food away if he hasn’t started eating it after say ten minutes? I’m really losing patience if I’m honest.

There are a few things I've seen online although I've never actually seen them during my nursing career - I did adults but who knows:
Congenital hyperinsulism - causes children to rarely or never feel hungry.
tiredness, teething, asserting independence and a slowing of growth.
gastrointestinal disorders, swallowing problems, constipation, food sensitivities, or autism.
Food neophobia.
ADHD.
And so on....
If you are worried seek help.

@WillowCraft i could do that but won’t, as I want to encourage him to eat more, not less!

I know you're concerned about the quantity of food he is eating generally but is he

1. Growing as expected or dropping down centiles in his red book (You can check yourself - just plot his height/weight on the charts)
2. Active or lethargic

If he's growing and active then he's probably getting what he needs.

I'd give him a very small portion that is easily achievable for him to eat, be really positive about him eating it and offer seconds. You might find that he actually eats more this way.

My DS was similar. He is a teenager now and interested in working out and eating well - though his diet is still very restricted - and has shot up to over 6 foot tall in the last year. He is still very slender but not skinny. He had zero interest in food as a toddler and child and disliked most tastes and textures and is still very very particular. It was and still is to a degree really really hard trying to get enough energy and enough nutrients into him.

There were/ are various underlying issues - sensory processing disorder, severe allergic reactions as a small child, breathing issues as a small child and stomach/ digestion issues. He almost built up a phobia around eating and I have spend most of his life fearful he could develop anorexia.

I bought a book about extreme 'fussy' eating but found I was doing everything in it already so it was of limited use but slightly reassuring. Sorry I don't remember the title!

The following helped me but every situation is unique:

• keep all the stress and pressure away from food.
• let go of meal time etiquette if it is getting in the way of adequately feeding your child.
• figure out what foods he likes and serve those even if it is a limited range.
• keep looking for and trying new things but keep it low pressure
• get him involved in meal prep - washing veg, chopping up mozzerella with a table knife, getting things from the fridge.
• do baking together, pizza making
• try him with spicy, tasty, hot foods that you might not think he'd like - he might - or he might not!
• make notes - does he prefer dry stuff, crunchy, crisp? hate wet, sweet, soft? for example.
• serve small portions if he is overwhelmed by volume on his plate.
• bring him little snacks through the day wordlessly with no pressure attached. Like put a slice of apple in his hand when he's watching TV.
• try and get high calorie foods like peanut butter into him.
• give vitamin supplements.

It is very very distressing when your child won't eat. It is very primal and I think you need to deal solely with the eating rather than get wrapped up with the behaviour, table manners etc.

Hopefully he is just a bit of a slow distracted eater, but in case he's not I hope this is helpful!

Make the time then. Eat your breakfast at the same time. If he's just sat in front of the TV, that's probably why he's taking so long to eat.

Groan

A fancy dinner probably isn't the way to go if you have a fussy or reluctant eater. There's absolutely nothing wrong with fish fingers, mash and peas.

My DD was a very reluctant eater. She couldn't sit still so sitting at the table was not really an option (now diagnosed ADHD and ASD before the must sit at a table brigade start judging).

To get her to eat I would put a plate of finger foods on our low coffee table. DD would pick something up and eat it as she whizzed past while I sat and ate mine at the same coffee table. The plate would stay on the table and be available for her to eat from for as long as she needed. Several hours sometimes.

She ate something and didn't starve to death so I still count that strategy as a parenting win.

Even now as a teenager some days she just won't eat other days she'll eat lots. That's neuro diversity for you.

Does your son have any signs of sensory issues, development slightly out of line with peers, sleep difficulties etc? Obviously he may well just be a fussy eater rather than neuro diverse but it might be worth just keeping an eye out. Age 3 + is where things previously put down to toddler behaviour start to stand out a little more as perhaps not being neurotypical.

Sounds like there are a few things going on here.

The lack of eating today specifically might well be a bug - I'm an adult and I know when I'm getting a bug because I'm just not hungry.

If he eats in front of the TV but not at the table he might not like what he is eating. The Tv helps not focus on the food and it's easy to get down.

So this might point at sensory issues or digestive issues? Not necessarily, I'm just throwing it out there.

@BustyLaRoux I did give advice. Check for diagnosable problems and in the absence of those, make the effort to sit together at mealtimes and check your own traumas/baggage around family mealtimes.

He had a play date a couple of weeks ago and all the children ate about three mouthfuls of lunch then got down. I followed DS and he finished. The other two didn’t. I don’t mind feeding him but it he won’t let me he won’t eat close to enough. Hopefully just not well.

I understand your frustration.

Have you tried moving mealtimes? Maybe he just isn't hungry when you are feeding him.

Have you consulted your GP about the possibility of ARFID?

But do remember he is 3. You must know that you are being unreasonable. Having a child with a challenging approach to food needs your patience.

Have you ever tried to make it a bit of a game ? With a sand timer ?

Or a reward chart. ?

Coeliac disease.
Ehlers Danlos Syndrome - can cause stomach and digestive problems (hypermobility).
The doctor who works with me says healthy children feel hungry every few hours and if they aren't eating they need to be seen.

I had to spoon feed my DS until he was around 7 or he would hardly have eaten anything.
It used to bother me seeing other kids able to clear their plate without any assistance, but there was an article written by a woman from another country and it seems it was the norm there to spoon feed kids, so perhaps you have to just do that?

You of course got a ton of flak the second you mentioned screens. People forget that every child is different.

we used tv to get our child to eat. She was and remains underweight, has serious restrictive food issues, and was eventually diagnosed with ASD. Distracting her helped her focus less on the food which helped get the calories into her body.

your goal needs to be to learn to read your child and to do what he needs to get him fed. Some children aren’t that difficult and so the typical advice of sit down at the table, model eating for an appropriate meal time, then clear the table works. That doesn’t work for every child though.

if you are struggling with breakfast, consider switching to a nutrient rich, filling smoothie. Maybe something with avocado mixed in to help make it last until lunch. I buy it frozen and ready to add. Smoothies are the miracle food in our house.

if you are packing a lunch and he is struggling to eat, get a container with a single lid. Like the bento box style kind of plastic box where there are little divided compartments. A teacher can help open one thing if needed. Then I recommend food that is cut into single bite sized pieces. It can just be a sandwich you cut up and some fruit you cut up. The easier you make it to eat, the more likely he is to get some calories when only allotted a small amount of time to eat.

you can make dinner the more traditional meal because there is less pressure.

Let him self regulate his food intake, unless he’s getting really underweight I wouldn’t be spooning in food. How would you like someone spooning in and trying to get you to eat more if you weren’t hungry? you say he doesn’t eat close to what’s enough but how do you know what’s enough for him?

it also seems pointless you posting because you’ve had lots of good advice which has been tried and tested but you’re refusing to see the bad habits you’re creating by not sitting at the table and watching tv while eating 🤷🏻‍♀️

Omg I literally lost it in the morning today at my 3yrs old ds! Have the same issue. and i am
so tired of chasing him with food or just feeding him while he js fully capable. Completely understand and I share your pain

How is he when you aren't there? If he's wanting you to feed him and he's playing up then it may be he's learned it gets him your attention.

I don't mean you don't give him attention. Obviously you do. But small children seek comfort and connection by doing all kinds of aggravating shit 😁 even if you sit there all day playing with them . It's just part of being a toddler.

I'd suggest serving him half the amount you normally do because sometimes they get overwhelmed just looking at it. When you think how tiny a toddler's stomach is they really need far less than we think they do. Isn't a person's stomach the same size as their clenched fist as a rough guide? Think how tiny a toddler's fist is! But offer him that smaller amount twice as often. Also, many young children find eating really really boring. It can be that simple. It's boring and they want to go and play.

And -

and here comes the winner in the category 'Advice Most Likely To Result In The Giver Getting A Smack In The Gob '. -

don't stress about it.

(I know you said he may be coming down with something right now so I'm talking generally here, when he's feeling himself) Offer food little and often and as long as he's got lots of energy, is drinking enough and has regular wet nappies, isn't constipated etc then he's getting enough sustenance for him and it'll be ok. The last thing you should do is be the one to turn it into a battle because it's a fight you cannot win.

Does he eat dessert? I always said they had to have at least 5 mouthfuls of dinner to get dessert and one of those had to be veg. They learnt to count pretty quickly too! 😂

I used to say to mine " Oh that looks tasty, mum might have a wee taste of that!" Then pretend to pick up the food. I would be met with "no!". Made them speed up at the table. All our meals are at the table.

The main points to instil good positive eating is sit at a table for each meal and sitting together as a family to model this positive behaviour.

I have a brother that was sat at the table until he cleared his plate and my parents thought they were doing the right thing, he had to eat his vegetables etc even when he wouldn't. He's had an eating disorder his whole life and barely eats a thing now as a 30 year old, always had a struggle with eating.

Be patient with your child and stop bringing stress to such a fundamental part of him learning to do normal things. You will most likely regret it.

If my child doesn't eat food after about 15 mins, he will walk off as we don't have TV on. I say OK it's there if you need it. I think that's much better than letting them go hungry or feeding snack later.

I worry from the tone of the post that mealtimes are stressful in your house. He may be scared into not eating if he think he's doing it all wrong.

And maybe having the TV on is distracting. Try without, you can watch TV when I see some food eaten.