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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To starve ds

228 replies

Spinningscrewdriverss · 12/12/2023 07:57

I mean not really but ffs

Ds takes forever to eat and doesn’t generally eat more than two mouthfuls unless I feed him. I don’t mind this, I’d rather he ate, but just lately when I try to he gets upset ‘mine, I’ll do it!’ But then doesn’t.

AIBU to throw food away if he hasn’t started eating it after say ten minutes? I’m really losing patience if I’m honest.

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 12/12/2023 09:41

He's 3 so I wouldn't expect him to just eat without encouragement and help. My 6 year old still needs reminding every 5 mins to eat his dinner and not just talk!

In our house dinner is an hour long process just to get the kids to eat. 6 years of experience have taught me not to get hung up on eating quickly or everything. We sit at the table. The kids get an hour to eat. They have to stay at the table until the adults are finished. 9 times out of 10 they will finish their dinner in that hours. Usually if they don't it means they aren't hungry.

Vinrouge4 · 12/12/2023 09:42

He is three, for goodness sake. Just feed him. I spent many a meal time with my kids telling variations of the Three Bears and the Three Pigs to encourage them to eat.

Original poster
Spinningscrewdriverss · 12/12/2023 09:43

They have to stay at the table until the adults are finished

I do completely understand this but enforcing it with a toddler is easier said than done. I’d probably worry if he never sat at the table but he does so I don’t really care if meals are TV dinners.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinningscrewdriverss · 12/12/2023 09:44

@Vinrouge4 yeah - I know. This is where I do go Confused WTF. I say clearly I don’t mind feeding him but he wasn’t letting me, but still wasn’t eating!

Prob is unwell or gearing up to it.

OP posts:
Bouncyball23 · 12/12/2023 09:46

Turn the t.v off untill he has eaten no doubt he is being distracted by whatever he is watching.

Ravenclaw101 · 12/12/2023 09:47

My six year old was like this. Now she is a grazer. I put a meal in front of her she will eat a few bites until she takes the edge off her hunger (but is by no means full) then she gets bored and loses interest. She likes to eat little and often.

Drives me nuts to be honest but what can you do

Alondra · 12/12/2023 09:48

Look, he's very little and still doesn't know how to regulate himself. If the TV makes him eat more, put the TV on.

Some children do not develop a taste for food until much older. My youngest survived on milk, yoghurts, fruit and cereal until he was 5. One day my DH went to McDonalds with him (he was about 5) and he ate a whole BigMac. From then on he developed his tastes buds and by age 8 he would eat everything.

Don't lose patience. It's frustrating when children won't eat but you need to give him time to learn to enjoy his food. And if eating means having the TV on, you put the TV on so both of you are relaxed and chilled while he eats.

cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 09:52

Hi OP,

The only way I can get my 2.5 year old to eat sometimes is to pretend to "steal" her food from her - bear with me 😂

So I'll pick up the fork and say in an overly excited tone, "ooh this pasta / chicken / cereal / whatever it is looks soooooo yummy! Is this mummy's? I'm going to eat this pasta..." as I slowly put the fork to my mouth pretending I'm about to eat it. She giggles her head off and goes "no mummy that my pasta!" and grabs the fork and eats it before I can. I then sort of feign outrage that someone has "stolen my pasta" and she giggles her head off. Rinse and repeat til plate is empty.

I mean, it becomes tedious after about the 6th or so mouthful obviously, and it doesn't work every single time, maybe around 70% of the time. But it's helped us, so thought I'd share in case it's worth a shot with your DS!

bonzaitree · 12/12/2023 09:52

YABU.

Imagine you were sat down on a table by someone and presented with a meal that you hadn’t chosen, shopped for or cooked. You didn’t feel hungry at all and you didn’t fancy anything on the plate. Some of it looked funny or unfamiliar.

Then you were told repeatedly that you had to eat it. And then when you didn’t the person got impatient and cross and chucked the food away. Then the same thing happened three times a day forever.

How fucking stressful is that? My attitude would defo be « fuck off im not eating that ». Because I’d be stressed and pressured.

Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you can change this.

jersydress · 12/12/2023 09:54

No TV

Sit with him at the table - if not able at breakfast time (although you can have your coffee sitting opposite him, surely?) than at dinner time you can start doing that. At least for some of some of the time.

Encourage to help with getting the food on the table I.e. if he chooses his spoon and brings it to the table he is more likely to dig in straight away.

Is he fully awake by the time he's at the table - wake up a bit earlier if needed and defiantly no tv, as that often keeps them sleepier for longer.

Talk about the food - where does it come from, what does it taste like,... - to bring his focus on it.

Most parenting advice works. For people to be saying the same things again and again they have already been proven to work.

ElBandito · 12/12/2023 09:56

I know two children (from different families) who took ages to eat their food. Both had very enlarged tonsils and ate at a normal rate once they'd been removed. I'm not saying this is the case for all slow eaters, but could it be a possibility?

Savedpassword · 12/12/2023 09:59

How long has this been an issue? You now say you think it’s because he’s unwell?

SJM1988 · 12/12/2023 10:01

Spinningscrewdriverss · 12/12/2023 09:43

They have to stay at the table until the adults are finished

I do completely understand this but enforcing it with a toddler is easier said than done. I’d probably worry if he never sat at the table but he does so I don’t really care if meals are TV dinners.

I have a just under 2 year old and she understands it. She eats if she is hungry. Chats if she is not and gets down when we are finished. I do have a 6 year old though so maybe that helps with her knowing that is what to do in our house. I always plan an hour for dinner to reduce stress and me getting inpatient at them eating or lack of eating.

Like its hard work feeding kids I totally get it. Honestly do whatever to get them to eat (table/tv/whatever works) but your AIBU on getting rid of the food after 10 mins isn't going to solve the not eating issue. Like a PP said, they havent chosen the food, cooked the food and might not be hungry in that first 10 mins. Imagine food being taken away from you just as you get hungry. It will just make for cranky kids.

Alondra · 12/12/2023 10:04

jersydress · 12/12/2023 09:54

No TV

Sit with him at the table - if not able at breakfast time (although you can have your coffee sitting opposite him, surely?) than at dinner time you can start doing that. At least for some of some of the time.

Encourage to help with getting the food on the table I.e. if he chooses his spoon and brings it to the table he is more likely to dig in straight away.

Is he fully awake by the time he's at the table - wake up a bit earlier if needed and defiantly no tv, as that often keeps them sleepier for longer.

Talk about the food - where does it come from, what does it taste like,... - to bring his focus on it.

Most parenting advice works. For people to be saying the same things again and again they have already been proven to work.

You've heard too much about parenting advice and have zero real experience how to deal with toddlers that won't eat.

Talk about crap advice.

Autumnleaves89 · 12/12/2023 10:05

What do you mean “he gets down”? He’s three-tell him to get back at the table.
Hes not too young for basic table manners-no tv, sit at the table until everybody has finished, use cutlery etc.
Sit with him, eat your porridge, relaxed chatting, tell him how delicious your breakfast is, lots of praise for eating his. Let him help prepare breakfast- mine used to love helping with meals and it would encourage them to try new foods.

jusanotherperson · 12/12/2023 10:05

My DSS is 3 too, and will often not eat a lot - but yet can still tuck into crisps or chocolate.

I find now at this stage I'm able to bargain with him - 'If you eat your dinner you can have a treat' - seems to have speeded things up!

Deliasdelilahs · 12/12/2023 10:07

If you don't have time to sit with him, what I do is I set my DC up at the table with their food, and then I walk away and load the washing machine quickly. Then I come back and talk to them, a bit of encouragement. Then go away and do the next thing. I'm not sitting at the table getting inpatient and monitoring every morsel that crosses their lips, but I am present in the general vicinity, giving them connection while they eat, as well as reassurance and encouragement. Also means I am there if there is a choking incident or anything like that. But I also get some bits done and don't feel trapped at the table when it takes them 45mins plus to eat their dinner when it takes me 5 mins!

I do a similar thing with playing, so setting them up with toys or a game and then coming in and out to help support their play, whilst also getting some other things done.

jersydress · 12/12/2023 10:09

@Alondra So instead of having a parent + child bonding time at the table, encouraging curiosity for food, and not distracting them while eating with tv so they feel full/ hungry is crap advice but taking them to McDonald's works?

Deliasdelilahs · 12/12/2023 10:11

At aged 3 they are still within the breastfeeding years really, when connection with the primary caregiver and sustenance are intrinsically linked. So they are not evolutionarily programmed to accept food without connection (eg. Wild food which might not be safe) but are programmed to seek connection in order to gain sustenance (the primary caregiver feeding them) of course they also want to start asserting some independence, but that doesn't mean they don't also need the connection.

Passingthethyme · 12/12/2023 10:16

Spinningscrewdriverss · 12/12/2023 08:57

No ta @BIWI we’re fine with the TV. No iPad but then you’re the only one to mention one.

I think he may be under the weather- hard to know. Feel bad for getting a bit frustrated if he is though!

You're creating really poor habits feeding your young child in front of the TV, not to mention it's not very good for his brain development either. I can assume it will only get worse if you're using screens instead of doing actual parenting

Alondra · 12/12/2023 10:23

jersydress · 12/12/2023 10:09

@Alondra So instead of having a parent + child bonding time at the table, encouraging curiosity for food, and not distracting them while eating with tv so they feel full/ hungry is crap advice but taking them to McDonald's works?

Being a parent is often accepting your child is not going to do what you want specially when they are toddlers. Some children are awful eaters, some "get" toileting earlier than others, some are awful sleepers. There is no "one fits all" for children this small. We do the best we can with our kids, and often means being extra patient or looking outside the box. If the OP's child eats better with the TV on, so be it.

And yes, eating a McDonald works as I can vouch for my own child. You obviously don't have any.

Whydoifeelsobadallthetime · 12/12/2023 10:24

TBH, I wouldn't be sitting him at the TV, I'd have him at the table with everyone else, and he would have 20-40 minutes to eat then it would be taken away.

I think when they're young it's a struggle to give them food that's interesting enough for them to bother with it, unless it is the dreaded chocolate or biscuits (in the same boat with DS 20m) and I went through it with DD. At a similar age, we introduced "the vegetable challenge" which meant every vegetable we served needed to be tried, at the end of each day for the first week there was a dessert of her choosing. It was tedious, and not every day was easy, but she does eat a lot now.

If DS had the telly on when there was food, he would not eat a single bite..

Whinge · 12/12/2023 10:27

If DS had the telly on when there was food, he would not eat a single bite..

I think the same is true for many adults.

MargotBamborough · 12/12/2023 10:27

I know it's hard, OP, but I think you should sit with him and eat your own breakfast at the same time. Lead by example.

Regarding the TV, my instinct would be that it is a distraction which is unlikely to help your son to eat but if he is eating more with the TV on than he would otherwise then I guess you know best.

Can you offer him something different for breakfast? Does he even like porridge? I don't. What if you try some fruit and a yoghurt instead? Scrambled eggs? Keep trying different healthy options and see if he takes to one of them.

EasternStandard · 12/12/2023 10:29

Alondra · 12/12/2023 10:23

Being a parent is often accepting your child is not going to do what you want specially when they are toddlers. Some children are awful eaters, some "get" toileting earlier than others, some are awful sleepers. There is no "one fits all" for children this small. We do the best we can with our kids, and often means being extra patient or looking outside the box. If the OP's child eats better with the TV on, so be it.

And yes, eating a McDonald works as I can vouch for my own child. You obviously don't have any.

Show quote history

It’s not McDs or no dc

@jersydress gave good advice, I have dc