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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

168 replies

mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:25

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

OP posts:
TomeTome · 12/12/2023 00:27

So you hurt him and he hurt you. Say sorry to each other and make your own resolutions.

FeliciteFaff · 12/12/2023 00:28

He is basically a c&nt. what does he do that pisses you off? Ex was like this. And still is. That’s why he is an Ex.

SawX · 12/12/2023 00:30

So being called fat is verbal abuse and hurtful but being told you're not a nice person is fine? Nah. You were both nasty but you went first. You should apologise and he should accept it and apologise too.

ConstantRain · 12/12/2023 00:32

He sounds awful. That constant negativity is hard to live with. If he can't see his own negativity, he's unlikely to change.
I would just tell him to stop every time he started.

ChiIIieP · 12/12/2023 00:32

Hes got defensive because you've criticised him first. What he said was shit. All his colleagues might be shit and he is venting to you. If you don't want to hear it just ask him to stop saying anything negative to you as you're finding it hard.

Paddington42 · 12/12/2023 00:34

He doesn’t sound a very nice person and I sense that you’re realising that as that side of his personality has grown over the years, he has grown into someone you perhaps wouldn’t choose to spend your life with if you had met him as he is now and he was someone you went on a date with. His comment was abusive, rude, disrespectful and cruel. Just because you’ve been together for years, doesn’t mean you have to spend the future with him. I’m taking it the rest of the time you’re happy together and he treats you well. I sense you posted on here as deep down you know his comment was too far and not right.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 12/12/2023 00:34

As bad as each other

How sad your relationship has come to this.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 12/12/2023 00:35

Sorry but you started it both as nasty as each other .

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

Woush · 12/12/2023 00:40

You don't go telling people what their NYR should be. That's just plain criticising. Bad manners. Mean.

By all means open conversations to understand behaviour. And have your own boundaries on it. That's different to being critical.

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 12/12/2023 00:45

Well I've asked my husband to stop moaning about everyone and everything on occasion - he usually says "You're right, you're absolutely right, I need to be more positive" and it lasts about a week. I don't think you did anything wrong OP negativity is very draining.

playbadlycast · 12/12/2023 00:45

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

This.

Original poster
mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:48

Thanks for all the comments so far. It's really valuable to hear from people who can see both sides.

I love him dearly, but he has changed over the past few years, and everything is a moan, complain, "look at that dickhead" kind of comment.

I'm not an angel, but I do tend to be a glass half full type. Yes there are many dickheads etc but it's all he ever comments on.

Yes I might have "started it" but if you live with someone, and all they ever say is negative, slagging others off, moaning, it does start to bring you down! I wasn't asking him to change his personality, just to think about what in life is actually great!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 00:48

Assuming this is not a same sex marriage? You both did the wrong thing yet he is in the wrong?

This is endlessly popular on here so I really shouldn't be surprised

Dita73 · 12/12/2023 00:51

Why the hell are you married?! You don’t seem to like each other very much

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 12/12/2023 00:52

Why is asking someone to be less negative/more positive wrong?

user1471447924 · 12/12/2023 00:54

Play stupid games…

Sholkedabemus · 12/12/2023 00:58

My DH can be very negative. Periodically I gently remind him not to be such a grumpy old git and to his credit, he takes it well.

I think your DH is the unreasonable one here. it’s depressing listening to someone constantly moaning and you are absolutely right to tell him. He was out of order retaliating in the way he did.

Original poster
mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:58

Why would you have to "assume it's not a same sex marriage"? I'm a woman, he's a man. And why would that matter?

I would just like him to be more positive/less of a huge "world is against me" person. Like he was up until 3 years ago. Nothing about his life has changed to make this happen.

Anyway, pretty evenly split. I've spoken to him innumerable times about constant negativity as, yes we're married, and we do talk to each other!

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 12/12/2023 01:03

OP "Like he was up until 3 years ago. Nothing about his life has changed to make this happen."

three years ago...let me think...what happened three years ago that might make someone negative....🤦🏽‍♀️

sorry OP, I'm obviously projecting.

time for a mutual sorry and chat for you both I think.

StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 01:09

I don't think it's nasty to suggest someone should think about trying to be more positive at all. Constant negativity doesn't just bring others down, it affects your own mood, too.

Original poster
mercilousming · 12/12/2023 01:12

His job was not impacted by Covid at all, and neither was mine. It's probably just age and cynicism. Hey ho!

Thanks for all of the comments, lots to reflect on I think!

OP posts:
EddieBlackadder · 12/12/2023 01:15

Reminds me of that old Billy Connolly joke about being alone in a lift with a woman who, in an attempt to make conversation says to him,

"Bad hair day?"

Billy replied "Noooooooo!. . . Fat arse day?"

hellsBells246 · 12/12/2023 01:23

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

This!

wp65 · 12/12/2023 01:34

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

Agree