AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

[mercilousming]

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

I'm with you OP. I worked with someone
who constantly moaned. It felt draining but we didn't realise quite how draining it was until they left. The atmosphere in the office lifted and is still up months later. It's public sector so there's a lot to moan about with the lack of recruitment, bureaucracy and dead weights who have been there for years but now we find ways to laugh during the day. Approaching a problem is easier when you're in a good mood and we couldn't be when the negativity started at 9am.

Hi OP, I hope you're okay?

I saw this article and thought of you (and everyone else on this thread with negative partners...) Does an unhappy partner make you less happy? | Well actually | The Guardian

I don’t think asking someone to consider changing their behaviour, particularly when their behaviour impacts negatively on those around them, is the same as calling someone fat. Nasty arsehole.

Comments on behaviour and comments on appearance aren’t the same.

If a colleague asked you to consider changing an aspect of your behaviour at work, would you respond by calling them fat? Obviously not, unless you want to be hauled up in front of HR for bullying. So why are they equivalent in a romantic relationship?

But overeating is behaviour. And behaviour that is more easily changed than part of who you are.
I think a fundamental part of a relationship is being relaxed and free. Letting out stress. Having to tiptoe around and watch yourself doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Eating is not the same.

I think it depends on how it’s phrased and the timing, in this instance, the op didn’t cover herself in glory by asking him to basically make a New Year’s resolution to behave in a way she found more acceptable. There are ways to have conversations like this and that wasn’t it.

the issue is the F word is seen as the worst possible word by some people. A proper insult. Where as others are more objective and think yes it’s not good, neither is insulting someone’s personality. Both as bad as each other.

to be honest I chuckled when I read it,she clearly offended him and he retaliated in kind. Neither behaved well.

The OP says she isn't fat, so why do you assume she is overeating?

Even if she were fat and overeating, she is the one who would be suffering the consequences of that.

When someone is an absolute miseryguts, it is generally those around them who suffer the consequences. They might be letting out their own stress, but it is at the expense of others. Others who would prefer to be less stressed and allowed to live their lives not in the company of someone who is constantly moaning and nit picking.

I would also be very unhappy about my husband calling people stupid cunts or whatever in front of our children. I don't model that kind of behaviour to them and I don't want him to do so either.

I'd lose 100kg instantly by throwing his misogynistic arse out!

Did she say that? Or dud she say she'd been the same weight for 10 years?

Yes, she literally said, "I'm not actually fat." It's right there in her OP.

some people are so eager to leap in with their very important opinions that they don't bother reading the full opening post!

if you cut out alcohol you will be less fat and he will be less snippy.

report back new year. :D

Even though she isn't fat?

Telling someone they are bitchy is the same as telling someone they are fat?!

Well..it’s no politer is it?

(and I said overweight not fat)

Yeah OP stated she’s not fat, plus even if she was fat and overeating (or thin and overeating) the issue would be the overeating /consumption of unhealthy foods so the more appropriate and accurate thing would be to say is “perhaps you could eat healthier”. Let’s not forget there are slim people who eat a lot /unhealthily. I did it for the best part of two decades while staying a size 8!

But anyway it’s clear in this case he was clearly just trying to insult her and it’s likely he doesn’t have an issue with her weight or health . realistically he wouldn’t have brought up weight had she not challenged how negative he was. I think deep down he knows what he’s like, hence he responded defensively.

I mean it sounds like he did not even reflect on what she said and agree to try and be less negative . He just jumped straight into attack to defend as a way of deflection.

It's reasonable to ask someone to cheer up. Calling someone fat is not. He's being a dick.

It's reasonable to ask someone to cheer up
Is it though?