Page 5 | AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

mercilousming · 2023-12-12T00:25:24+00:00

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol. He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing. Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive. So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat. I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me. He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person. Is that actually unreasonable?

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/12/2023 07:37

I really don’t think asking someone to be less negative is comparable with physically insulting someone you are supposed to love.

There’s a difference between expecting to make a fundamental change to their personality as he sees it and asking someone not to be deliberately unkind. Having strong opinions and letting off steam is one thing but relentless negativity is very draining to be around.

A PP is right I think that you are waking up to the fact he’s a bit of an arsehole and you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with him. I wouldn’t.

MikeRafone · 12/12/2023 07:37

People that are negative, suck the life out of everyone around them. Id ask him what he says about me to other people?

Togomalone · 12/12/2023 07:43

Don’t waste your life with a Victor Meldrew. Tell him if he can’t or won’t change, he will bring you down, you start avoiding him and your relationship will die. Spell it out for him.

Go find yourself a radiator, not a drain.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/12/2023 07:47

I think you need to tackle the behaviours more in the moment.

If you are driving just tell him he is distracting and can he not make those comments while you are driving.

Other times I would counter with a more positive reframe -
'look at those feral kids'
'I know, such a shame that they are shutting the youth clubs, maybe we should look into volunteering'

'look at that cutting in on us'
'ah maybe they are in a rush and need to get to work'

He may then get grumpy with you justifying other people's behaviour
'why do you always justify other people's behaviour?'
'I do it for me because I find that being positive about others makes me feel more positive about life'

You may not stop him being negative but you can reduce the behaviour by being relentlessly positive.

You can also take the fire out of his attacks by saying 'ah yes I am a bit fatter, maybe I will try to lose some weight'. Try to detach from the criticism, you know that he does it to everyone else. He says it because he knows it shuts you up. Stop appearing to be bothered about it and he will not be able to hold that over you.

Ramalangadingdong · 12/12/2023 07:47

I have been feeling really negative lately. I know it is because I am grieving - I was recently doubly bereaved. Friends are getting frustrated with me because I won’t meet up with them but I know that I will be very negative and don’t want to bring them all down with me. I even have to be careful with commenting on MN because it can get the better of me.

is there something going on with your hubby, perhaps? If not you deserve a medal for putting up with his constant moaning and I wonder how you plan to deal with it in the future when he is so touchy about it and refuses to change? His insult towards you was a demonstration of his negativity. Perhaps what you need to do is have an honest open chat with him about how his attitude is making you feel. Suggesting it as a nyr could have seemed insulting and backhanded - and quite negative in itself. Sitting down together for an honest chat may be more respectful.

HikingforScenery · 12/12/2023 07:47

Something must have changed. You may just not be aware. He sounds like a man that is tired, etc

Home/family is a safe space to be able to vent. Where else is he supposed to do this?
Maybe tune him out on the drive. Or you drive ?

A lot of negativity can suck the life out of you but you have control to walk out, not listen, etc. Do what is in your control rather than trying to control him.

I do agree you were both unkind to each other.

GreyCarpet · 12/12/2023 07:52

TommyNever · 12/12/2023 07:28

The difference is that his negativity makes life unbearable for those around him, which is why it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to desist. Or perhaps being more realistic, to leave the bastard.

Show quote history

You're right.

I'd leave someone who made my life that miserable.

CannotStopSneezing · 12/12/2023 07:53

My husband went through a period like this.
Slagged off how everyone else at work was an asshole / terrible at their job, he’s only one who knew what was what etc. Moaned about everyone else. Short tempered and could snap at me and kids.
Turns out he was fucking one of his colleagues and they had a great time slagging off their other colleagues and me!

Affair eventually ended, he’s sort of back to his normal self years later. I am never going to get over it, will be leaving him as soon as I can afford to do so (I.e. have a job - been applying and can’t even get a part time job in Iceland. So yay. Need some savings too). So I guess sort of acts like he used to but I kind of hate him, so it skews my view a bit. But anyway, maybe something to be suspicious of….

LifeofBrienne · 12/12/2023 07:59

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 12/12/2023 06:16

Book a night at a comedy club or funny film. Have some fun together and then praise him on how attractive you find him when he smiles/laughs/is pleasant. Break the cycle. Pull his pants down when he’s washing up. Why do men get so grumpy? Not so sure. Got to keep being silly. So important. Keep trying and if you’re flogging a dead horse tell him you’re trading him in. Have a lovely Christmas.x

WTAF? Out of all the relationship advice I’ve ever read on MN, I think “Pull his pants down when he’s washing up” is definitely the most bonkers.

MCOut · 12/12/2023 08:01

There is nothing wrong with pointing out your partners unpleasant behaviour OP. You were not trying to be hurtful, you were trying to address a problem. Nobody enjoys being around somebody unkind and negative so it’s in his best interest that you pointed it out.

gannett · 12/12/2023 08:04

I actually think relentlessly positive Pollyanna type people are much more draining to be around than moaners. It's also annoying to be called negative when you're just being realistic.

Neither OP nor her husband sound very nice. He said the meaner thing but she was critical first.

coffeeaddict77 · 12/12/2023 08:09

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/12/2023 07:47

I think you need to tackle the behaviours more in the moment.

If you are driving just tell him he is distracting and can he not make those comments while you are driving.

Other times I would counter with a more positive reframe -
'look at those feral kids'
'I know, such a shame that they are shutting the youth clubs, maybe we should look into volunteering'

'look at that cutting in on us'
'ah maybe they are in a rush and need to get to work'

He may then get grumpy with you justifying other people's behaviour
'why do you always justify other people's behaviour?'
'I do it for me because I find that being positive about others makes me feel more positive about life'

You may not stop him being negative but you can reduce the behaviour by being relentlessly positive.

You can also take the fire out of his attacks by saying 'ah yes I am a bit fatter, maybe I will try to lose some weight'. Try to detach from the criticism, you know that he does it to everyone else. He says it because he knows it shuts you up. Stop appearing to be bothered about it and he will not be able to hold that over you.

I think those responses would irritate a Iot of people including me. You would be constantly contradicting someone and sometimes excusing bad behavior. While constant negativity is draining that wouldn't help her DH be more positive.

TommyNever · 12/12/2023 08:11

gannett · 12/12/2023 08:04

I actually think relentlessly positive Pollyanna type people are much more draining to be around than moaners. It's also annoying to be called negative when you're just being realistic.

Neither OP nor her husband sound very nice. He said the meaner thing but she was critical first.

She was critical because it was obviously called for.

We're not talking about the opposite extreme to relentlessly negative. Normal people will moan when necessary, but will otherwise try to maintain an enthusiastic attitude towards life. That's very difficult to do when chained to a misery guts.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 08:11

You started it with your criticisms. So he felt free to criticise you. Nobody really likes bring criticised and told to improve. But I agree his was more personal and unkind then yours.

Allfur · 12/12/2023 08:28

She didn't really start it with her criticisms, surely he did by criticising all and sundry, and everyone else on the road, what a curmudgeonly mean wanker

ChillysWaterBottle · 12/12/2023 08:31

Er it doesn't matter whether or not OP's comment was warranted, or fair, or sensitively handled, what matters is that her partners FELT he was being criticised and his response was....to lash out, and attack her appearance in a particularly nasty way? THAT'S his response? An adult, to a clearly heartfelt suggestion from his supposedly beloved life partner, however she handled it or or he perceived it? Insane that grown adults are defending that, or suggesting the two are equivalent. Some of you are so emotionally immature.

OP - of course YANBU. Your partner sounds like an immature, nasty, draining bastard tbh. I do wonder how so many women are so patient and forgiving of such men and such behaviour. It's horrible.

Toucanfusingforme · 12/12/2023 08:32

How old is he? I swear a lot of men get grumpier and more negative as they get older. Certainly the case for some I know!

SALWARP2023 · 12/12/2023 08:35

Anyone wondered why he's changed? Maybe he's depressed or stressed. Maybe hes unwell, in pain? Maybe he hates his job, feels under valued. Perhaps OP is actually often critical. And what HE needs is support and positivity. THINK BEFORE YOU JUDGE SO HARSHLY ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE FULL STORY.

Boomboom22 · 12/12/2023 08:39

Sounds like you want him to suppress his annoyance and be happy to placate you. Not very positive in my view. Easier to change your weight than your personality so on balance your comment was more cutting and cruel.

CormorantStrikesBack · 12/12/2023 08:40

Maybe rather than asking him to be less negative if you’d said to him that his negative comments bring you down maybe he’d have taken it less personally.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting him to be less negative and he should never have retaliated.

Boomboom22 · 12/12/2023 08:41

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/12/2023 07:47

I think you need to tackle the behaviours more in the moment.

If you are driving just tell him he is distracting and can he not make those comments while you are driving.

Other times I would counter with a more positive reframe -
'look at those feral kids'
'I know, such a shame that they are shutting the youth clubs, maybe we should look into volunteering'

'look at that cutting in on us'
'ah maybe they are in a rush and need to get to work'

He may then get grumpy with you justifying other people's behaviour
'why do you always justify other people's behaviour?'
'I do it for me because I find that being positive about others makes me feel more positive about life'

You may not stop him being negative but you can reduce the behaviour by being relentlessly positive.

You can also take the fire out of his attacks by saying 'ah yes I am a bit fatter, maybe I will try to lose some weight'. Try to detach from the criticism, you know that he does it to everyone else. He says it because he knows it shuts you up. Stop appearing to be bothered about it and he will not be able to hold that over you.

This would be insufferable and lead to eye rolling. You don't have to virtue signal at all times, you are allowed to be upset or annoyed by idiots without justifying why.

Boomboom22 · 12/12/2023 08:42

Grimchmas · 12/12/2023 04:21

Making negative comments about everything isn't a personality trait, it's a behaviour. Behaviours absolutely are fair game to be challenged, especially when they are negatively impacting somebody else.

I had a boyfriend who used the "you're trying to change my personality" thing as a defense against me pointing out inconsiderate or selfish behaviour on his part. He used the "you can't change me it's just the way I am" line to avoid any self-reflection or making any concession to take my needs into account.

It gets boring real quick.

By your logic being overweight is also a behaviour! Eating too much. These comments!

Frasers · 12/12/2023 08:44

To be honest op I think you walked into it, however you phrased it, he didn’t take it as positive encouragement. And neither did you when he retaliated.

I understand fully you’d like him to change, but suggesting he makes a New Year’s resolution to be less negative isn’t ever going to be met with joy. You can address things by a gentle conversation, how are you feeling, are you happy, is there anything causing you stress, what would improve your well being.

not, let’s make a New Year’s resolution, aye, ok, be less negative then.

then starting a thread on mumsnet so folks can tell you how awful he is for using the f word. And then doubling down and going into great detail about what a miserable bastard he is.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/12/2023 08:44

TomeTome · 12/12/2023 00:27

So you hurt him and he hurt you. Say sorry to each other and make your own resolutions.

This.

Bitchassmosquito · 12/12/2023 08:46

Telling someone they’re bitchy isn’t much better than telling them they’re overweight to be fair.
In both cases it may be 100% true but is there really much point in saying anything?

If the negativity is aimed at random strangers and not you or anyone who might actually care what he thinks maybe just tune it out.