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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

168 replies

mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:25

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

OP posts:
ConstantRain · 12/12/2023 07:08

The issue with that kind of negativity is that he seems to think he's superior to everyone else and can do no wrong yet he's just a moany old misery.
It's so boring and draining. I'd tell him that he was becoming a moaning old bore.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 12/12/2023 07:10

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2023 06:38

They criticised each other - there is no difference.

Show quote history

Behaviour = \ = appearance obviously.

LaDamaDeElche · 12/12/2023 07:12

I don't agree with many of the comments putting you both in the same category. His negativity has an impact on you and your relationship. People can often fall into this pattern of behaviour and it is something they need to look at as it affects the people around them. His comment was just a low blow.

Loubelle70 · 12/12/2023 07:13

Its not comparative. Its mentally taxing being around someone whos constantly negative. I would also have said, why the negativity?. He may be getting grumpy old man syndrome. Calling you fat is just not equal... thats just cruel. Being reminded you're being negative a lot isnt cruel.

NashvilleQueen · 12/12/2023 07:14

Saying 'can you try to be more positive' is not nasty. It would absolutely wear me down to live with someone who only sees the negative. His response was to attack you by saying something that is nasty and untrue. He is in the wrong.

Squeaky2023 · 12/12/2023 07:16

When he says how amazing he is, do you laugh, OP? Because that must be a joke.
And I'm afraid the correct response to asking you to be less fat would have been, "well, can you be less of a dickhead?"

Discospacecherry · 12/12/2023 07:17

Christ I can tell the is was posted late on. It's utter shit to say you're as bad as each other he's sounds awful op.

I also think it's totally normal on a conversation about resolutions and changes to s what you did. He sounds like a fucking baby tbh.

Moonshine5 · 12/12/2023 07:20

OP I think you're right. He's rude
If you've always been this weight (a decade) it will be hard to lose.
Saying a few nice things will take little effort on his behalf.

MadameCamembert · 12/12/2023 07:21

I can’t believe people think that being asked to be less negative and being asked to be less fat are remotely the same! No matter what sex said which comment!

OP, YANBU.

Bolloxforsure · 12/12/2023 07:21

On the surface of it there were two criticisms but only one was said purely out of spite.

Icopewhenihope · 12/12/2023 07:23

Asking him to be more positive cannot be compared to him commenting on your physical appearance. Had he said can you be less pass remarkable or less judgmental even but to ask you be less fat is not on.

GreyCarpet · 12/12/2023 07:25

In his head, you criticised something about him you find unattractive, and he responded in kind.

It's only 'worse' because weight is such a loaded issue for many women.

It's possible to change both of those things with a bit of effort. Whether either person wants to is a different matter.

FinallyFinalGirl · 12/12/2023 07:25

Why on earth are people saying you're nasty and as bad as your rude, unpleasant husband? You are the one who is listening to his negativity, day in, day out. That's not fair.

Listening to that crap is miserable. How can people not be aware that constant moaning is horrible for the people around them and they have every right to ask for it to stop? We can't shut our hearing off ffs.

ExcitingRicotta · 12/12/2023 07:26

You are not being unreasonable !

Asking for more positivity is absolutely not the same as saying ‘be less fat!’. Yours sounds like it came from a sensible place of being fed up with negativity and his sounds like a mean knee jerk reaction because he felt threatened by your comment. Positive outlooks have been shown to increase life expectancy. I certainly don’t want to end up with a grumpy old man, good on you for calling him up on it.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 12/12/2023 07:27

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

Me too.
Loads of people get grumpier te older they get and it is ok if you don't like being around negativity all the time, it is draining.
Sounds like it was the first thing he could think of to say that he knew would upset you op but l think that was uncalled for and l would be really upset.

PetrifiedForestNationalPark · 12/12/2023 07:28

My husband can be a bit like this and it is wearying. What makes it worse is that he seems to think an endless stream of negativity is some sort of amusing banter.

I imagine he felt hurt by the comment and hit out by calling you fat, which isn’t great but i also think your comment to him wasn’t great. Not to say you shouldn’t talk about this stuff but you need to handle it a bit more sensitively.

TommyNever · 12/12/2023 07:28

GreyCarpet · 12/12/2023 07:25

In his head, you criticised something about him you find unattractive, and he responded in kind.

It's only 'worse' because weight is such a loaded issue for many women.

It's possible to change both of those things with a bit of effort. Whether either person wants to is a different matter.

The difference is that his negativity makes life unbearable for those around him, which is why it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to desist. Or perhaps being more realistic, to leave the bastard.

ohdamnitjanet · 12/12/2023 07:28

No idea why people are piling on here, usual Mumsnet shite. Of course he was rude, typical response from a miserable git who can’t bear to have it pointed out that he’s not perfect. It’s awful to live with permanent negativity, it really drags you down.

CharlotteRumpling · 12/12/2023 07:30

Smugandproud · 12/12/2023 06:55

I could have written your post.
My dh used to be the life and soul at Christmas, now in his 60’s I have to chivvy him into getting a tree and being sociable.
Everyday someone is an idiot, if it’s not a neighbour it’s the government. Like upyou though I now say fuck off or flick the v’s and carry on.😂

I just read your post to dh and he laughed and said it’s just nature then, I can’t help it.

Show quote history

Having been married a long time, I recognise myself in your post. But DH is worse! Life and stressful jobs do take a toll as you get older..These days we tell each other off. I say " Snap out of it" and he does. Plus vice versa.

Lilithlogic · 12/12/2023 07:30

If ops dh was saying things like look at the arse on that etc, would she be being nasty to ask him not too, would it warrant a blatant attack to put her down using her appearance. She was asking for him to curtail his behaviour not change his personality and he attacked back to keep her in what he sees as her place. So in future anything he deems as criticism will mean he puts her down again to control her.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 12/12/2023 07:31

I have a mardy arse DP too - I've just read him some of the comments on here about how draining it is to live with, he's gone a bit quiet (first time for everything).

Nicole1111 · 12/12/2023 07:33

I’ve lived with someone very negative before so I completely understand how draining and wearing it can be. It’s like living with your own personal rain cloud. When I was trying to address it I explained to my partner (at the time) that he was always looking at the negative things and I did a few days where after everything negative he said I said “now say something positive”. I’m sure it was annoying because it felt like I was saying it constantly but I think it highlighted how often it was happening that he would slip in to negative and could go hours without saying anything positive. He took it well and it did make him reconsider but ultimately I think his personality was one whereby he often felt victimised so he struggled to change.
Your partner sounds like he’s been very spiteful with his fat comment. Is he often spiteful to you or do you think he was wounded and lashing out?

LikeTheMorningDew · 12/12/2023 07:33

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

Agreed.

I hate dreary bitchy moaning people.

I wonder if a few Mumsnetters have been told to stop being so miserable...

I couldn't live with a man who didn't love how I looked no matter what, though. I bet he does think you're fine, but he was trying to be cruel. Total cunt.

Also... if you are a dreary moaning boring grumpy twat, it is possible to cheer up and not poison the atmosphere of every room you're in. Takes some effort and self-awareness, though

Ramalangadingdong · 12/12/2023 07:34

Does anyone remember the tv shows grumpy old Men and Grumpy Old Women? I wish there clubs like that in real life where Grumpy Old People could show up
and moan to their hearts content. I would be first in the queue. The way that other drivers behave on the road is one of my particular bugbears.

ThreeRingCircus · 12/12/2023 07:35

I don't think you should be telling someone else what their new year's resolution should be and I can understand it hurt his feelings however what he said was horrid, likely because he felt defensive and was lashing out.

It sounds like neither of you like the other one very much.