AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

[mercilousming]

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

Moaners are the pits.

When you called it, he turned nasty.

It's about as useful as asking someone to be less positive and more critical. I am a deeply cynical & negative person and I'm often asked to give it a rest. Which is fair enough, I'm self aware enough to realise it's draining & it's probably unhealthy.

If it was framed as "I'd like you to be less negative constantly because it's draining/not doing you any good" OP might have got a better response.

I don't think it's comparable to calling some fat though, unless it was meant as "I'm worried for your health and I think it's making you unhappy" which seems unlikely. Unless that's just me being negative?

He was really out of order. Of course your suggestion isn't equivalent to his.

Grouching and being negative all the time affects the other person considerably.

Being fat (if you even are) doesn't affect the other person.

It's legit to call the first one out but not the second.

You've clearly never lived with someone like OP's husband. It's incredibly draining and depressing.

I do, and yes it's very draining however, if it's only a fairly new trait, negativity can often be a sign of a deeper depression. And you wouldn't say to a person with depression 'just try and be happy', would you? Perhaps trying to delve deeper into what may be troubling him and work together as a team to come out of it rather than tit for tat insults?

Of course, he could just be turning into a grumpy old man like many of them do. In which case i'm afraid the only course of action is learning how to tune out because i've never known of one to change!

Having to live with (or just spend time with) relentlessly negative people can be soul-crushing quite quickly, I feel your pain.

Trouble is people like that often see their constant negative judgments as a sign of their personal virtue - they think they're somehow "making the world a better place", whereas people who want to concentrate on a happy engagement with the world are weak and selfish.

It's nonsense of course, as all they're doing is depressing everyone around them.

Strawberry sea you cannot imagine how wrong uou are that's why I have no sympathy because op was nasty first some folk can't just snap out if it

She was not nasty! You are the wrong one.

How am I nasty? I have challenged my husband so may times on his "look at that dickhead trying to get away with that top", "driving so slow, bet it's a woman", "no one knows how to parent their feral kids anymore, looks at those selfish cunts" and then some comments.

We all judge and pass comment. But it's constant, awful and depressing and miserable to listen to. And he holds himself in such high regard.

I'm sure your response would have been different if I'd mentioned in my OP a newborn baby, trying to keep the household afloat whilst he worked all hours etc.?

He sounds fucking miserable tbh. He needs to buck up. And you need to have a side eye on finances etc. Hopfully it's a mid life crisis and it'll be over soon.

Constant, ritualised, performed negativity is very wearing and is different to someone having a legitimate moan about bad colleagues. People can fall into it without meaning to though, or being aware of its effect on people around them. So I don't think your request was unreasonable per se, but it's the sort of thing that needs to be phrased very tactfully not to blow the conversation up. When you told him to be more positive he probably had a little internal crisis at the realisation that people have been perceiving him as a miserable bore, hence the lashing out

OP only asked him to try being less negative, which sounds wearing. Petty of him to come back with a comment about her physical appearance.

No of course you weren't being unreasonable or nasty OP. It's not comparable or a personal attack to suggest he be a bit less negative.

OP, are you married to my DH?
Sometimes I remind him he sounds like his BIL, which generally makes him realise how he sounds (briefly).
In my view YANBU - it's not his personality, it's his behaviour that needs changing.

Misery guts are so draining.

He does it because he enjoys it so he'll unlikely change.

😂

His was am ott response to being mildly offended. He sounds like a man child. Calling someone fat because they made a legitimate criticism.

And if Op isn’t fat and has been that size for a decade, it sounds as if he just pulled that one of his head to get back at her, so it wasn’t even a genuine concern or issue he had. So for that reason also I wouldn’t say the two things are comparable.

If it was a legislate health concern he would said something like eat less sugar or cut out alcohol etc because the way he’s phrased seems designed to just hurt her rather than a serious suggestion.

Very petty and spiteful, it’s always pretty grim when men go straight to attacking a women’s appearance just to bring her down or shut her up.

Exactly what @tripthelightfantastically said

How've you left it OP?
Am wondering if he's lashed out but might still have reflected on what you said

I think it is insensitive but I am biased because when I am low I can be very negative too. He might be going through a depression or something.

He was absolutely in the wrong, and nasty.

Depression is not a free pass to be a cnut tbh.

True.

That does sound rather wearing. I think we were all impacted by covid to a lesser or greater extent. I know I’ve become much more sweary since the pandemic. I think a lot of us have.

Negative people are energy vampires. They're absolutely exhausting to be around! However, often they don't realise they're being negative, because it's a habit that creeps in slowly. I have a family member like this and she's such a drain to be around!