AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

[mercilousming]

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

Why is asking someone to be physically healthier wrong?

Voted yabu because you handked it completely the wrong way.

I think it's a fine conversation to have in general, and one I've had musks with my partner but you tagged it on to a different conversation where you were both talking about negative aspects of your joint behaviour/habits.

So essentially it comes across as "we should both give up booze. Right that's everything that's wrong with me sorted, let's focus on all your other negative points that you individually need to fix. "

If you are going to have that conversation it needs to be stand alone and you need to focus on how it affects you/ the kids by being subjected to it so much etc and ask him to try and avoid it around you, not to try and focus it on something he has to inherently change about himself.

No different to someone who deals with things by catastrophising or needs to talk through an issue 20 times even if the position has been settled, its fine to say "I understand that's how you deal with stress, but actually continuously focusing on it adds to my stress"

Regardless, giving up alcohol is enough.
If you try to change your personality and lose weight too you are doomed to failure.

I suggest you both work on communication and encouraging each other

That is part of the point, he then gets fed up with his comments being positively reframed so is less likely to make them. You don't need to do it all the time, but do it sometimes and you highlight that there are other possibilities.

It makes no difference to the car in front whether you are angry with them or whether you think they cut in because they are running late. It only affects you (and others in your car). You can choose to get cross or you can choose to think that maybe they have a reason. Getting cross may affect your driving and your blood pressure but it will have no effect on the person in front who either is a dick and did it deliberately and is probably happy it winds you up, or is oblivious about their impact on you or is genuinely late.

I am not saying that I never get cross, I do, but by choosing to think positively then I feel better about the world. Sometimes pointing out that there are less negative ways to interact with the world around can help to think more positively OR the dh will get fed up with OP being more positive and being negative will be less rewarding for him. At the moment his negativity goes unchallenged.

You both seem a bit fed up with each other.

My ex husband was like this - constant negativity, coupled with a view of himself being 'superior' - it's one of the main reasons he's my ex husband. After 15 years of it I realised his negativity was rubbing off on me...and it's a miserable way to live. It was a shame, because my ex husband is a very clever and funny person, but the constant sneering at everything and everyone was just so draining to live with.

I got out when I was 40, that was 15 years ago. We are still good friends and see each other once a week or so ... but even after only a couple of hours in his company I can still feel a sense of relief when he leaves. I couldn't live with that 24/7 ever again.

Telling someone they are bitchy is the same as telling someone they are fat?!

This board is so amusing sometimes!!

Leave the bastard.
I'm serious. Do you want years of his 'personality', thinking he can call you whatever he likes?
Just leave him. Save yourself the pain.

Agree with @CormorantStrikesBack

I disagree with some posters here who have jumped to the extreme end and act as if asking someone to be a bit less negative is such a bad thing and those who aren’t as negative are just smiley and obnoxious types. Constantly moaning and complaining especially about things you have no control of is annoying to most people. Nothing wrong with venting but if that what the majority of conversation is with someone, it becomes off-putting.

My DH has also become like this as he has gotten older and will go on and on. I agree with him at times with the behaviours he has encountered as I’ve encountered them myself but it doesn’t need or turn into a whole “people are idiots” every time.

Car rides with him which I don’t do often are pretty much like what your DH does and it is tedious being in the car with him. It’s gotten to the point that if he offers to pick me up from somewhere, I choose to walk (unless there are no safe paths or public transport). He will also tell me about the poor drivers he encountered on the way to get me. He knows how bad our area gets especially with the construction that has been going on in different parts for months and the Christmas season is usually bad anyway. He wfh so there is no commute that he has to deal with often.

You mention you both have problems with alcohol.
Reducing the amounts (as you suggest) should make him less snarky and you slimmer.
Win-win!

Maybe you quoted thr wrong post, but the poster clearly said it wasn’t much better, not was the same as.

but I agree with them, as do many others, the ops behaviour wasn’t exactly sterling.

I once complained to a friend about how negative I thought my mum was. She pointed out that my constant complaints about mum’s negativity were also negative. Point taken. It takes one to know one.

Don't all men think they are superior drivers?

Why would anyone want to have being a miserable bastard as a personality trait.
Maybe there was a more tactful way to address his negativity, but are the people defending him just expecting people to suck up their ‘personality’.

It’s one thing a dh moaning about work. Anyone should be able to offload to their partner. It’s important people can

but moaning non stop about random stuff such as other drivers is so draining.

my mum was like this and I dreaded seeing her as it was hours of negativity with nothing positive to break it up.

It's the equivalent of verbal farting - very unpleasant and negatively affecting others - not sure how someone's weight is remotely comparable

It's not really comparable though, is it?

Living with a miserable git is, well, miserable.

Don't be so bloody disingenuous.

First of all, OP says she's not overweight so he was clearly just trying to hurt her feelings. Secondly, gently voicing concern for someone's physical health is a world away from snapping "try being less fat" at them.

Since when has asking your OH to be a little more positive been considered hurtful???
My DH became like this after retiring from work: I’ve made a pact with him to stop negging everything, and to listen to me when I point it out and modify his mindset. I pointed out that he would feel a lot better if he wasn’t bitching and moaning about everything and everyone all the time, not to mention stop pissing off the rest of the family with it, and he has, so far, taken this on board!

Since when has asking your OH to be a little more positive been considered hurtful???

Since always? Nobody likes to have their behaviour criticised, even if it's an honest criticism.

Turning into a grouchy old dose definitely seems more of a thing for men than for women. I can imagine it gets very wearing.

If you don't want to hear it just ask him to stop saying anything negative to you as you're finding it hard.

That’s literally what she did?

She didn't, she told him what his new years resolution should be by being a more positive person. She didn't say do us a favour don't tell me anything negative as I I'm struggling to listen to it.

How am I nasty? I have challenged my husband so may times on his "look at that dickhead trying to get away with that top", "driving so slow, bet it's a woman", "no one knows how to parent their feral kids anymore, looks at those selfish cunts" and then some comments.

He sounds like a pain in the hole,

In all honesty, no, but I’d guess we’d take different sides on which was the worse comment.