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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I asked husband to be less negative, he asked me to be less fat!

168 replies

mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:25

Me and my husband have just been talking about New Years Resolutions. We both agreed to completely cut out alcohol.

He has become more critical and bitchy as he's got older - as in we're driving, and all I'll hear is a running commentary of all the poor moves other drivers are doing. Or how all his colleagues at work are shit, but he's amazing.

Normal, but he didn't used to be like this. It's very wearing to listen to, and he never says anything positive.

So I suggested that with NYRs that he should try being more positive. He responded by telling me I should try being less fat.

I pointed out that they're not really comparable. Also that I've weighed the same for about 10 years, I'm not actually fat, and that what he said was offensive to me.

He countered that I'd been offensive by asking him to change his personality. I don't think I have, I'd just like him to pass comment on things that he enjoys/likes etc rather than the world being against him and he's right, everyone/thing else is wrong. And also to not be verbally abuse me when I'm just asking him try to be a bit of a nicer person.

Is that actually unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ilovegoldies · 12/12/2023 04:20

I'm surprised so many people think what you said was out of order. I ended a very LTR because my partner was like this. Everyone was a dickhead, stupid, etc etc. I couldn't take it anymore. He was never ever happy. I know there were things going on that added to his general misery but I realised that my own mental health was suffering as I direct result of his constant negativity.

Grimchmas · 12/12/2023 04:21

Making negative comments about everything isn't a personality trait, it's a behaviour. Behaviours absolutely are fair game to be challenged, especially when they are negatively impacting somebody else.

I had a boyfriend who used the "you're trying to change my personality" thing as a defense against me pointing out inconsiderate or selfish behaviour on his part. He used the "you can't change me it's just the way I am" line to avoid any self-reflection or making any concession to take my needs into account.

It gets boring real quick.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 12/12/2023 04:44

He sounds utterly draining and very mean. What do you love about him?

Alondra · 12/12/2023 05:09

I don't know how old are you guys but I've been married for almost 40 years and I've realised a few things.

  1. Men as they grow old get grumpy.
  2. They also get an inflated sense of self compared to anyone else. They are god's son to the legion of idiots surrounding them.
  3. They whinge. They always whinge.
  4. They detest criticism of any kind. They take it as a personal attack.
  5. Because you attack them (in their mind), they answer by attacking you where it hurts (they know what button to press to hurt you).

I'm married to a good one and until a couple of years ago I never said to him "fuck off" but I'm getting comfortable saying it regularly these days 😂

The worst he would say about a driver making an illegal move 20 ago was "dopey", these days is a full 10 minute rant. He used to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and the few times he forgot he'd apologise. These days is "why are you saying that to me when I always do it"? (he doesnt)

I have good friends married to great husbands complaining of the same thing. They've become grumpy old buggers as they age.

My advice? Fight the battles you need to fight, and smile or say fuck off with a smile to everything else.

Gill123789 · 12/12/2023 05:34

Wow, I have pretty much this same sort of scenario, only it’s with my mum.

I don’t have any advice as such, but just to say I know how draining it is! She’s constantly negative and critical of anything and everything, it actually is exhausting to be around, she didn’t used to be like this and I feel its getting worse as she gets older :(

TommyNever · 12/12/2023 05:49

Gill123789 · 12/12/2023 05:34

Wow, I have pretty much this same sort of scenario, only it’s with my mum.

I don’t have any advice as such, but just to say I know how draining it is! She’s constantly negative and critical of anything and everything, it actually is exhausting to be around, she didn’t used to be like this and I feel its getting worse as she gets older :(

Ha, me too. It was my mother who became VERY much like this as she aged.

Which made me laugh at Alondra's post claiming it's always men who turn into this as they get old. 'Cos in my experience, not many do, and of those, at least some are turning into their mothers.

BubziOwl · 12/12/2023 05:56

I can see why he felt attacked and got defensive, maybe it wasn't a good way to approach it.

But I really do feel for you, being subjected to constant negativity is so very draining. I can't stand people like that.

LickleLamb · 12/12/2023 06:02

My 72 year old DH is like this -plus drives fast then rants about the cyclist/driver he’s passed who made gestures at him . …how dare they.
Also we are now of an age where many friends and acquaintances are getting ill/dying -he should be so grateful for what he has but complains constantly.

StCHouse · 12/12/2023 06:09

She criticised his behaviour. He criticised her appearance. There is a difference and he was being immature and mean.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 12/12/2023 06:16

Book a night at a comedy club or funny film. Have some fun together and then praise him on how attractive you find him when he smiles/laughs/is pleasant. Break the cycle. Pull his pants down when he’s washing up. Why do men get so grumpy? Not so sure. Got to keep being silly. So important. Keep trying and if you’re flogging a dead horse tell him you’re trading him in. Have a lovely Christmas.x

HelloTreacle9 · 12/12/2023 06:17

My DH has also turned into a grumpy, negative old bugger. It’s very draining. And it is a behavioural change that he has some control over (and you reminded him of that, it sounds like you did so fairly gently) whereas he lashed out in defence with a nasty comment about your body.

Two things I’ve found that help: encourage him to end the day with you both saying three things that were good that day - expressing gratitude and finding the positives, however small, is very powerful. Also at one point when things were extremely negative on his part (not depression), I suggested we apply Dale Carnegie’s principle of not ‘criticising, condemning or complaining about’ each other for 21 days. As a game, or challenge. If either of us slipped, we went back to day 1. Things improved rapidly. It did feel like I was ‘managing’ him (also exhausting in a long marriage…) but it helped a lot that it was something we were both doing so he didn’t feel attacked.

Might have to refresh for 2024 given the current state of affairs here ;-)

AlecTrevelyan006 · 12/12/2023 06:17

Rather than saying ‘be less negative’ you should have said ‘be more positive’. The first is asking some to stop doing something, while the second is asking some to actively do something. A subtle but important difference.

WhichIsItWendy · 12/12/2023 06:23

Your husband sounds like a prick. I couldn't put up with that long term.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 12/12/2023 06:26

wp65 · 12/12/2023 01:34

Agree

Show quote history

Agree too.

Negativity all the time is draining.

Alondra · 12/12/2023 06:29

TommyNever · 12/12/2023 05:49

Ha, me too. It was my mother who became VERY much like this as she aged.

Which made me laugh at Alondra's post claiming it's always men who turn into this as they get old. 'Cos in my experience, not many do, and of those, at least some are turning into their mothers.

Show quote history

I'm sure it's not only men turning grumpy as they age, we all get more impatient and less able to deal with criticism as we get older. But husbands have a different chapter in this book 🙄

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 06:31

I couldn't live with a moaner OP. My ex used to do it. I like to be positive about life and deal with problems. Turned out he thought we didn't have enough sex I.e every waking moment. We were in our 50s at the time. I used to wonder if he was a bonobo monkey.

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2023 06:37

mercilousming · 12/12/2023 00:58

Why would you have to "assume it's not a same sex marriage"? I'm a woman, he's a man. And why would that matter?

I would just like him to be more positive/less of a huge "world is against me" person. Like he was up until 3 years ago. Nothing about his life has changed to make this happen.

Anyway, pretty evenly split. I've spoken to him innumerable times about constant negativity as, yes we're married, and we do talk to each other!

My DH becomes very negative sometimes. He suffers from depression and SAD so it’s worse in winter. Telling someone to cheer up when they’re depressed is counter productive. Do you think your DH wants to be negative all the time or not? He snapped back at you because you were being critical of him.

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2023 06:38

StCHouse · 12/12/2023 06:09

She criticised his behaviour. He criticised her appearance. There is a difference and he was being immature and mean.

They criticised each other - there is no difference.

Smugandproud · 12/12/2023 06:55

Alondra · 12/12/2023 05:09

I don't know how old are you guys but I've been married for almost 40 years and I've realised a few things.

  1. Men as they grow old get grumpy.
  2. They also get an inflated sense of self compared to anyone else. They are god's son to the legion of idiots surrounding them.
  3. They whinge. They always whinge.
  4. They detest criticism of any kind. They take it as a personal attack.
  5. Because you attack them (in their mind), they answer by attacking you where it hurts (they know what button to press to hurt you).

I'm married to a good one and until a couple of years ago I never said to him "fuck off" but I'm getting comfortable saying it regularly these days 😂

The worst he would say about a driver making an illegal move 20 ago was "dopey", these days is a full 10 minute rant. He used to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and the few times he forgot he'd apologise. These days is "why are you saying that to me when I always do it"? (he doesnt)

I have good friends married to great husbands complaining of the same thing. They've become grumpy old buggers as they age.

My advice? Fight the battles you need to fight, and smile or say fuck off with a smile to everything else.

I could have written your post.
My dh used to be the life and soul at Christmas, now in his 60’s I have to chivvy him into getting a tree and being sociable.
Everyday someone is an idiot, if it’s not a neighbour it’s the government. Like upyou though I now say fuck off or flick the v’s and carry on.😂

I just read your post to dh and he laughed and said it’s just nature then, I can’t help it.

StCHouse · 12/12/2023 06:58

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2023 06:38

They criticised each other - there is no difference.

Show quote history

There is in my eyes.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 12/12/2023 07:01

DH was like it at one point, constant 'look at that fat bitch', 'stupid bitch' usually misogynistic, less about blokes as well , I told him the kids weren't being brought up round it, he had a choice. He stopped it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 07:02

Fedupmumofadultsons · 12/12/2023 00:35

Sorry but you started it both as nasty as each other .

Really? It's nasty to say he's negative?

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 07:03

tripthelightfantastically · 12/12/2023 00:38

Really surprised at the comments OP is getting. Think she was perfectly entitled to ask him to be less negative and that his response is defensive, unnecessary and totally unkind. He sounds awful.

Me too!

jemenfous37 · 12/12/2023 07:04

you sound perfect for each other!

margotrose · 12/12/2023 07:06

I think you probably hurt his feelings and he lashed out and hurt yours back.

Of course it's not ideal, but telling someone what their resolutions should be isn't exactly ideal either.