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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

437 replies

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:45

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 12/12/2023 01:37

YABU
You are investing far too much energy into a comment you over heard. What would you have liked them to say instead?

LylaLee · 12/12/2023 01:39

It's work to them. Do you want the McDonald's person to be happy to make your burger? The Amazon person to be happy to pack your parcel at the warehouse?

It's emotive because it is personal care, but they are there because it is their job. They have their own actual friends.

They are paid to be amiable. And It is nice if some develop an organic friendship. But it is a job. You can't be your full self at a job. If a service user absolutely loves Dr Who, the carer can't say "what a load of shit, I hate it." Maybe in a joking way to someone they had that sort of rapport with, maybe. But they would be walking on eggshells deciding what they can and can't say. With constraints on what they are able to express, it is never going to be an equal friendship.

It's a work Christmas do for them. A free nice thing from work. You're not friends. You have friends among the people you are on an equal footing with. Not someone who could lose their job if someone complains.

LylaLee · 12/12/2023 01:39

It's work to them. Do you want the McDonald's person to be happy to make your burger? The Amazon person to be happy to pack your parcel at the warehouse?

It's emotive because it is personal care, but they are there because it is their job. They have their own actual friends.

They are paid to be amiable. And It is nice if some develop an organic friendship. But it is a job. You can't be your full self at a job. If a service user absolutely loves Dr Who, the carer can't say "what a load of shit, I hate it." Maybe in a joking way to someone they had that sort of rapport with, maybe. But they would be walking on eggshells deciding what they can and can't say. With constraints on what they are able to express, it is never going to be an equal friendship.

It's a work Christmas do for them. A free nice thing from work. You're not friends. You have friends among the people you are on an equal footing with. Not someone who could lose their job if someone complains.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:42

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 01:32

If they were being paid to be there then they were obliged to be there. Not there as guests. Paid carers are not there to be service users friends, to be friendly yes. But it's a job at the end of the day and you have to remain a professional distance.

Sure, I have worked in similar roles and I felt honoured to be invited as a guest at celebrations, particularly if it was part of my paid role.

I hope I made a positive contribution to those events that I participated in and I always thanked my hosts for their appreciation.

OP posts:
Pookerrod · 12/12/2023 01:43

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:35

Not at all!
I have made significant financial contribution to the charity as have most of my friends and I attended in hope we could all enjoy each others contribution as equals.
We are all just an accident away from needing that help.

Show quote history

But you’re not equals. You have enough funds to make a significant contribution to a Christmas meal. They are probably wondering how they will afford their own Christmas meal on 25th December.

Truth be told, they would have probably rather had a Christmas bonus than a work Christmas meal.

And yes, but for the grace of god we could all need their help. So just be grateful that they are willing to do that job with a smile on their face as most of us wouldn’t, it takes a very special person to be a carer.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:45

LylaLee · 12/12/2023 01:39

It's work to them. Do you want the McDonald's person to be happy to make your burger? The Amazon person to be happy to pack your parcel at the warehouse?

It's emotive because it is personal care, but they are there because it is their job. They have their own actual friends.

They are paid to be amiable. And It is nice if some develop an organic friendship. But it is a job. You can't be your full self at a job. If a service user absolutely loves Dr Who, the carer can't say "what a load of shit, I hate it." Maybe in a joking way to someone they had that sort of rapport with, maybe. But they would be walking on eggshells deciding what they can and can't say. With constraints on what they are able to express, it is never going to be an equal friendship.

It's a work Christmas do for them. A free nice thing from work. You're not friends. You have friends among the people you are on an equal footing with. Not someone who could lose their job if someone complains.

It wasn't a gift or a perk from their employer.
No one expects them to be close friends, just being friendly would do.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 01:46

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:42

Sure, I have worked in similar roles and I felt honoured to be invited as a guest at celebrations, particularly if it was part of my paid role.

I hope I made a positive contribution to those events that I participated in and I always thanked my hosts for their appreciation.

Show quote history

You felt honoured to be invited to a lunch?

can you give more details on this event that the carers were invited to?

I had a pub or restaurant Christmas lunch in mind - £30 - £40 a head with maybe a round of drinks or some wine on the table thrown in.

you are speaking like it was a gala event or awards dinner.

you bought minimum wage worked a meal. Is that not what we are talking about here?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/12/2023 01:46

'benefit from paid work'??? Ok, you've jumped the shark here.

Chipsahoyagain · 12/12/2023 01:50

WhateverMate · 11/12/2023 23:55

Who doesn't love a free lunch at work? Xmas Confused

Spot on. No need to genuinely care about the purpose of it.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:53

Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 01:37

OP I think your poor communication style is contributing to a lot of confusion here. It is very difficult to follow.

You use the services of a charity, but you also pay for those services? The charity employs carers who you believe should think of you as a friend rather than a client?

the charity paid for a Christmas lunch - or a small number of service users paid for a Christmas lunch - carers/charity employees had their lunch paid for. One employee commented that it was a free lunch and you don’t think he was being a good friend or sufficiently grateful for having his meal paid for. I assume this man earns a low wage? Or is he the solicitor your referenced?

all very muddled and odd.

I think you are too emotionally invested and need everyone to be ‘friends’ and fully supportive. Perhaps you need to develop some better and deeper support networks from family and real friends? The comment on a stranger shouldn’t affect you this much.

Edited

No the charity don't pay them.

They do a job and our friends are cared for by them so I'm more than happy that they joined us as an appreciation for the job they do for my friends.

I just feel this comment was mean spirited and it feels like they were only there by default, not because they wanted to be there.

OP posts:
Chipsahoyagain · 12/12/2023 01:56

They could have opted out if they wanted.

Yea but it was a FREE lunch and they wanted that . You are taking this way too personally. I can't tell you the amount of times I attended work functions of my own free choice, because of the venue/event/freebies and not because I cared about socialising and 'spirit'. You just happen to overhear what many people think!

Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 01:57

you are being silly. They weren’t there by default - they were there because they were invited and given a free meal?

I am still not clear if this meal was during their paid work time or if they came on their free time.

either way all they had to do was say thank you.

your use of the phrase ‘friends’ is odd. By ‘our friends’ you mean the service users?!

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 01:58

@YNK but why should they want to be there? It's a job not a social event for them! Carers are not there to be your friends. Not everyone feels the same way as you do.
I'm a carer and wouldn't enjoy a Christmas lunch out with my service users. I would do it. I would probably even manage to look like I'm enjoying it. But it would be an act for my clients not how I truly felt.

NativityLobsterNumber4 · 12/12/2023 02:01

On a carers wage, they probably were pleased to get a free lunch.

They’re not your friends, they are workers, obliged to be involved in the group throughout the year due to accompanying the person they care for to meet ups, who have taken advantage of a perk of the job offered to them at Xmas. I don’t see the issue.

You surely can’t expect them to value and see the group as you do, you are a member, they just accompany members. It’s not special to them like it is to you and that’s understandable.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 02:02

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 01:58

@YNK but why should they want to be there? It's a job not a social event for them! Carers are not there to be your friends. Not everyone feels the same way as you do.
I'm a carer and wouldn't enjoy a Christmas lunch out with my service users. I would do it. I would probably even manage to look like I'm enjoying it. But it would be an act for my clients not how I truly felt.

Sure, if you don't want to attend a celebration nobody in my group would demand that you do - just have the best time you can whatever you do for a living.
No one put a gun to their head, the invitation was meant well

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 02:02

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:53

No the charity don't pay them.

They do a job and our friends are cared for by them so I'm more than happy that they joined us as an appreciation for the job they do for my friends.

I just feel this comment was mean spirited and it feels like they were only there by default, not because they wanted to be there.

Show quote history

it is not up to you to decide anything for or about them

Selenitetower · 12/12/2023 02:02

Ive made flippant remarks like this, more so with feeling impressed that something of no cost to me is actually quite good or even as they said decent, never intended with malice but more a remark made due to the surprise of the quality provided. I work in aged care and my work is holding Christmas lunches for the residents this week and if we as staff want to participate it’s a $25 payment for this ‘buffet’ there will be a selection of food the food will be served to you by staff so the amount you receive will be capped and I know the quality will be rubbish, I’ve seen the food they feed our residents (last week we served panacotta for dessert that hadn’t even set) and I wouldn’t dare waste my money on this lunch. However if it was free and I attended and the quality was good I too would probably be making flippant remarks such as it being a decent lunch for a free meal. Maybe you have just taken their remark out of context?

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 02:03

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 01:58

@YNK but why should they want to be there? It's a job not a social event for them! Carers are not there to be your friends. Not everyone feels the same way as you do.
I'm a carer and wouldn't enjoy a Christmas lunch out with my service users. I would do it. I would probably even manage to look like I'm enjoying it. But it would be an act for my clients not how I truly felt.

You see nothing wrong with this?

I think this says it all.

OP posts:
Pookerrod · 12/12/2023 02:04

I think I get it now. You and a group of people know each other via a charity that puts people together who have had an accident and need support. You all decided to go for a Christmas lunch. Some of those people have carers and it was decided to invite those carers and you’d all cover their cost of the Christmas lunch as a bit of a thank you.

You are upset that they possibly only accepted for a free lunch and not because they wanted to just spend time with you all celebrating Christmas. Is that correct?

If so, I still think you’re being unreasonable. They probably felt the polite thing to do would be to accept. That even their job is at risk if they don’t as their service user would be offended. There is no need for you to have a bee in your bonnet about this. They came, appreciated the free lunch, success all round.

ilovesooty · 12/12/2023 02:08

I'm with previous posters. They probably get very poorly remunerated and were probably pleased to get a free meal. They do a job and don't need to be friends with the service users or meet them "as equals". I don't think they've done anything wrong really.

Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 02:09

Aw OP. You are way too invested in believing carers all love their jobs and will rush home to scribble thank you notes.

You need to ask yourself why it means so much to you that your carers think and behave in this way?

maybe some counselling about not projecting onto the carers. I know it must be tough to have to rely on others, and maybe hard to think those careers don’t love every moment they spend with you. I am sorry but the reality is they work for the money - not the joy and humanitarian rewards.

in the wise words of sister Michael, you need to wise up.

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 02:10

@YNK they were being paid to be there. If they didn't go then presumably they wouldn't be paid!
And no I don't see anything wrong with carers not enjoying the activities that they accompany their service users to. So longs as they show up and do a good job and the service user has a good time and gets what they need from it.

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 02:13

To be honest I think the OPs attitude actually really reflects society in generals view of carers. Somehow we should enjoy our job so much that that is sufficient compensation for our time. And as a result feel that it's acceptable for such poor wages to be paid.

LylaLee · 12/12/2023 02:16

Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 02:09

Aw OP. You are way too invested in believing carers all love their jobs and will rush home to scribble thank you notes.

You need to ask yourself why it means so much to you that your carers think and behave in this way?

maybe some counselling about not projecting onto the carers. I know it must be tough to have to rely on others, and maybe hard to think those careers don’t love every moment they spend with you. I am sorry but the reality is they work for the money - not the joy and humanitarian rewards.

in the wise words of sister Michael, you need to wise up.

I think this is it.

OP is upset that they are not seeing it as more than just work. Upset that they tolerate it for money. Many people with a change in circumstances worry about being burdensome, and it feels like this struck a nerve with op. Even if they are not OP's carers, op is in the same category as their clients and it hurts.

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 02:20

Make up your mind, OP. They're being paid or not? Working or not? One man you overheard (I presume he wasn't talking to you - were you listening in?) made what sounds to me like a crack referring to the old line "There's no such thing as a free lunch." You don't even know this bloke and you're complaining he's dissolving the bonds between you and your friends, ie the recipients of care, not the carers (do they even know each other, or work for the same company?)

Honestly this is all coming across as Lady Muck being put out that the peasants aren't grateful enough for her bounty.