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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

437 replies

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:45

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP posts:
TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:48

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 13/12/2023 09:47

Watch out, your self righteous halo is at risk of slipping what with you calling the carer a 'dick' for not being suitably grateful in his private conversation.

I think a carer who can’t display basic manners in the hearing of the disabled population he “cares” for IS A DICK. Carers are not all saints. Some of them aren’t very nice at all. People who blindly support them regardless of how they make others feel are part of the problem.

Notmetoo · 13/12/2023 12:49

I am not sure what you are worrying about. Is it that the paid carers didn't pay for their lunch?, they were at work and attending the lunch as part of their job which isn't very well paid at all. You can't expect them to pay for their lunch in that situation.
Or are you saying that you think because they mentioned it they are not interested in the charity or the people they support?. That's not necessarily the case. I don't think commenting on the meal means they are not caring

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 12:52

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:48

I think a carer who can’t display basic manners in the hearing of the disabled population he “cares” for IS A DICK. Carers are not all saints. Some of them aren’t very nice at all. People who blindly support them regardless of how they make others feel are part of the problem.

Yes. Some people aren’t nice.

Op is part of some people. Yet you jumped, to it’s the carer being a dick. Even though op heard one part of one sentence.

Maybe the Op is the dick?

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:53

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 10:02

It’s not a group of friends

and over hearing one small sentence in a conversation gives no idea of context or what the conversation was.

It could be ‘I have loads of work to catch up on now, but we had a good time and it’s been worth it and at least we got a free lunch’

And why granny? You would be ok with if it was a 30 year old that put lunch on? You don’t think it’s rude then? That’s weird.

Because most people feel protective towards their elderly relatives and if I’d said “toddler” you’d probably have launched into “my toddler wouldn’t give a fuck”.

Most disabled people become disabled so I expect it’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that people on this thread or those they love will be in this position one day. Possibly being the robust keyboard warriors you are you won’t mind people expressing this kind of thing at your annual event. It’s life enhancing stuff isn’t it?

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:56

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 12:52

Yes. Some people aren’t nice.

Op is part of some people. Yet you jumped, to it’s the carer being a dick. Even though op heard one part of one sentence.

Maybe the Op is the dick?

OP may very well be a dick. She may be really nice. We weren’t talking about her though we were discussing the ill mannered lunch guest who upset her. The guy may be perfectly harmless in other circumstances but in this instance he caused upset by being totally thoughtless. He did that knowing the audience.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 13:01

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:56

OP may very well be a dick. She may be really nice. We weren’t talking about her though we were discussing the ill mannered lunch guest who upset her. The guy may be perfectly harmless in other circumstances but in this instance he caused upset by being totally thoughtless. He did that knowing the audience.

No we were discussing the situation.

Op heard part of one sentence and we are hearing it from her. Through her own emotional filter.

Her reaction is to leave a group she enjoys because someone she never met before and isn’t part of the group said something she thinks might be rude. From the small part she heard in passing. Then you have her more patronising comments about carers.

yet you are so It must be him that’s a dick. Positive of it. That’s strange.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 13:07

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:53

Because most people feel protective towards their elderly relatives and if I’d said “toddler” you’d probably have launched into “my toddler wouldn’t give a fuck”.

Most disabled people become disabled so I expect it’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that people on this thread or those they love will be in this position one day. Possibly being the robust keyboard warriors you are you won’t mind people expressing this kind of thing at your annual event. It’s life enhancing stuff isn’t it?

I have a disability.

I was a child carer for my mum up and the. Man as an adult until she died. I also cared for my grandfather.

Trying to invoke the image of a helpless little old woman as an equivalent is weird.

I am disabled and I can still understand that hearing a small part of one sentence doesn’t give you the entire context of conversation. And I know judging some as a dick, for a few words with no context that you didn’t hear yourself it’s weird

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 13:07

As I said above I would think anyone expressing such a thing in the hearing of other attendees was ill mannered. The fact it’s a charity lunch for service users makes it worse.

Its not a particularly “strange” take on things it’s just different to yours.

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 13/12/2023 13:08

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 12:56

OP may very well be a dick. She may be really nice. We weren’t talking about her though we were discussing the ill mannered lunch guest who upset her. The guy may be perfectly harmless in other circumstances but in this instance he caused upset by being totally thoughtless. He did that knowing the audience.

We have zero idea of the context though.
Wierd to jump straight to the conclusion the carer was being rude.
" are you having a paid staff party Bob?"
" no but we had a decent free lunch here" Subtext -everyones happy

Op on the other hand has changed the story several times which usually means they are trying to manipulate opinions.
All the odd stuff about who got compensation etc in addition.
This is the Ops issues at play here
The immediate overreaction of leaving the group

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 13:09

I’m very happy to be “strange” to people able or disabled who think this is normal and acceptable behaviour.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 13:10

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 13:07

As I said above I would think anyone expressing such a thing in the hearing of other attendees was ill mannered. The fact it’s a charity lunch for service users makes it worse.

Its not a particularly “strange” take on things it’s just different to yours.

Yes it different to mine. And I think it’s strange.

Because you heard a few words passed on by someone else who, themselves, didn’t hear the whole conversation.

So have no idea if he was being rude or not.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 13:11

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 13:09

I’m very happy to be “strange” to people able or disabled who think this is normal and acceptable behaviour.

What behaviour was definitely rude?

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 13/12/2023 13:18

"We see things as we are, not as they are"

None of us have any idea if the carer was being rude.
Op has grabbed it with both hands and ran with it primarily to reinforce their feelings.
There is a strange reference to compensation so perhaps Op feels bitter in some way?

HomburgandTrilby · 13/12/2023 14:19

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 13:09

I’m very happy to be “strange” to people able or disabled who think this is normal and acceptable behaviour.

A decontextualised statement like the one the OP reports is not in anyway not ‘normal and acceptable’ behaviour.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 13/12/2023 14:28

And op hasn't said how she overheard, was the man openly stating it to the group, was he having a private conversation and op was lurking about earwigging? Was he on his phone to somebody not there?

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 14:42

The OP was there. She was upset. I think that sounds reasonable.
pp wasn’t there, wasn’t upset, and thinks op is unreasonable for being upset, or possibly just thinks I am unreasonable for strangely thinking something different to herself given the information posted. Either way it’s I’m sure OP was looking for some understanding of what happened and hopefully she’s read what a myriad of both strange and “normal” people think and it will help her decide what, if anything to do about it.

TorroFerney · 13/12/2023 14:56

I said to my husband just this week, I've done ok this Christmas, 2 free do's - one a meal with senior management team members and one a proper party do.

I had a good time at both - I was just stating a fact, they were free to me. It doesn't mean you didn't want to be there. I've also been to meals with clients where I have said at least I got a free meal and that could have been because the clients were hard work or I was having to be "on" for all the meal and make small talk or because it wasn't the food or venue I would choose or just because as nice as they and the restaurant were, I'd rather be out with friends, family or in my pyjamas but I knew it was the right thing to do to go and represent the company. By the op's standards, i would have been sacked for either of these comments.

HarrietStyles · 13/12/2023 15:05

Lwrenagain · 13/12/2023 09:39

As resident MN povvo and pleb who has done care work I'm sorry if you've read this on my other posts before however I have read some comments here and I just would like to clarify a few things, having done agency care work also I've worked in over 100 care/residential homes over the years and if anyone is interested, I'd like to highlight this for you 💔

Carers are not only on minimum wage, but also skeleton crew, so often you'll find 3 carers to care for maybe 80 people between them. If it's night shift one carer will be preparing pots of potatoes and veg for the kitchen staff next morning. Not in every home but majority. That leaves 2 carers to shower, toilet, dress, settle and medicate huge numbers of people, often a few serious cases of dementia or other mental illness from one or two residents will dictate the time of one carer, leaving lions share to just one.

We're assaulted regularly from patients and will literally hug the same person who's just spat at us, punched or kicked us, once they're calmer and need reassuring they're okay now.

Care homes DO NOT provide toiletries. So across the board most carers SPEND THEIR OWN MONEY AND TIME stocking up their own bags with bodywashes, talc, sprays and other bits and pieces to make their residents smell clean. I've worked in some affluent care homes with residents used to some fancy toiletries to then be washed in homebargain shower gel because their family haven't provided them with hygiene products.

Often carers bring in things to donate. I remember about 10 years ago a staff member from one place I worked posted in a local community group asking for any cups and saucers because she wanted to start doing afternoon teas (this woman locally was known from a rough family) and people accused her of trying to grift cups and saucers. I didn't know her as a pal but when I commented, "why the fuck would Marie want 80 cups and saucers? Get to fuck she's doing something nice" I was also given abuse for trying to steal. 🙄😂 Marie and I are friends now 🥰 carers will buy older people with dementia things like dolls or clothes and we often use our outside work connections to arrange things for the residents.
(If anyone knows me IRL this won't surprise you but I once sent a local pub singer a picture of my boobs so he'd come into the home I worked on mu favourite residents birthday and sing to her. That was pre 4 kids 😂 carers going above and beyond!)

If someone is dying past our shift times and we've been sat with someone long enough we can't just leave them mid death if they've become attached to our presence. I've had staff members not on shift do MY dc school pick up so I can stay unpaid, to stroke a man's hair and pray with him to a god I don't believe in and give as much comfort as I can in his last hours for no payment to still be treated as a benefit scrounger because I got tax credits.
Not just dying or old people, say if you're working with autistic or learning disabilities and there is a disco (god love my clients, they've often loved a good disco!) And staff are too stretched to take them, say a few other clients are unwell, often a off shift staff member will pop in and take the client so they dint miss out. Again, unpaid often if staff is full, just busy.

Unsociable hours means are colleagues are our friends or even partners but sometimes we still have to complain about them or carry them if they're crap at their job. And some carers don't like dealing with poo. It's never fun to work with them.

If one resident becomes attached to one staff member they may become difficult for other staff, one lady wouldn't use the toilet unless it was either myself or another lass taking her, so we made sure we didn't take annual leave over the same weeks of summer and as I lived about 5 minutes walk away from the place, if the other lass wasn't in and my client was blind with rage about the other staff, I'd pop in, as would the other lass and just take her to bed or the loo because even though it's highly unprofessional or classed as abuse even, the idea our resident with acute dementia would get an impacted bowel when we could help for all in all 20 minutes unpaid 3 times a week, was really nothing. But if at any point this residents daughter wanted to give us a bunch of flowers, we'd get into shit.

There is probably 100s more examples I could give and if anyone has family in care homes or need carers yourselves and have any questions please tag me or inbox me, I'm no longer working in homes but friends do so I can always find out latest rules etc.

I am the first to say, some carers are shitty humans. But so are teachers, scientists, lawyers, people.

On the whole, they're lovely and even if they have limited skills academically or seem "a bit rough", on the whole, they're giving Time, money and love to People who the rest of society couldn't give a shite about.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. I'll be here most likely on every carer post until I'm banned from boring the tits off you all x

Carers like you are honestly angels 💐 and I wish you were all paid handsomely for the hard work that you do. I have a family member in a care home and the staff are so lovely and caring, just like you sound.

StoodySmithereens · 13/12/2023 15:28

I’ve never understood why some are called carers, when they clearly don’t.

Lwrenagain · 13/12/2023 15:41

@HarrietStyles I'm so glad you have lovely carers for your family member!

I wish I knew the story properly to share it but it was kind of a passed down story. However one lovely gentleman came into a home I worked at briefly with alcoholism and early dementia, he was a homeless guy who wasn't from England originally and absolutely nothing was known about him. The care home staff chose his name I was told and because nothing was known about him a carer made him a book with printed pictures in of places he'd said he remembered and wrote nice stories about a character she gave the same name this man was named, and read it to him. It was all fiction but it was so lovely and done with care, just to almost give this guy some back story and love, because for all anyone knew he could have been from Mars.
Sadly I never met the staff who did his book but I read it to him a few times when I did shifts there.

novhange · 13/12/2023 15:45

StoodySmithereens · 13/12/2023 15:28

I’ve never understood why some are called carers, when they clearly don’t.

I’m a carer for my mother. If I employed a carer for her, I would expect meticulous care and kindness, but I wouldn’t expect them to care for her emotionally and form a ‘bond’ with her.

If you’re expecting that you should be employing a companion cum carer, not a carer on minimum wage.

HomburgandTrilby · 13/12/2023 15:49

StoodySmithereens · 13/12/2023 15:28

I’ve never understood why some are called carers, when they clearly don’t.

They are called ‘carers’ because they provide ‘care’, just like healthcare providers provide healthcare. They’re not being paid to have some deep emotional bond with patients or clients in either case.

Or are you one of those people who doesn’t like to see nurses striking for better pay and conditions because you think they’re supposed to do it out of the goodness of their hearts, not for a salary?

DRS1970 · 13/12/2023 15:49

It's the people being cared for who the event is for. You can't expect the carers to share your outlook and enthusiasm for the event - they are just there to work, and obviously see the free lunch as the highlight - I really wouldn't give it another moments thought.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 15:52

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 14:42

The OP was there. She was upset. I think that sounds reasonable.
pp wasn’t there, wasn’t upset, and thinks op is unreasonable for being upset, or possibly just thinks I am unreasonable for strangely thinking something different to herself given the information posted. Either way it’s I’m sure OP was looking for some understanding of what happened and hopefully she’s read what a myriad of both strange and “normal” people think and it will help her decide what, if anything to do about it.

Op was there and over heard one small part of one conversation. So even she doesn’t know what was said before or the context.

Being upset because you over heard one small part of a conversation isn’t a reasonable response. And it doesn’t automatically mean someone is a dick.

The Op hearing a few words, assuming context and getting upset doesn’t mean the other person actually did anything wrong.

TomeTome · 13/12/2023 16:38

Your guess is just as valid as any other.