To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

[YNK]

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

Almost correct, but the weary 'at least' that made it sound like it was hard work.
They didn't have to accept the invite.

OP your attitude towards carers and that they should be ‘grateful for paid work’ and enjoy an event they likely felt obliged to attend is a much bigger issue than any comment you overheard. This was a work setting for them. They aren’t your friends. There is a reason burnout is so high in these professions.

This makes no sense.

There's an increasing number of posts on Mumsnet written in the same difficult to follow way. I'd be really interested in whether they are written by the same person/people or if there's a spate of people joining Mumsnet that have very little ability to articulate themselves in an understandable manner.

Kindly OP, nearly everyone on this thread has told you it’s not a big deal and that they don’t agree with you. You have made it into a much bigger deal. At least probably means at least it was a good meal, why are you reading into it? At least it was a good meal I felt obliged to attend is still fine if that’s what they meant! If I ever went for a meal with service users I’d also feel it was a work event. They aren’t your friends and some boundaries would be helpful.

It was not their 'work setting' but an invitation to participate in our celebration while being paid by their employer (not us)

How can you not comprehend this is still very much a work setting. If I go for lunch with my boss it’s still a work setting! Going for a meal with service users is still a work setting. They can’t voice their opinions without considering how it may come across, they only know you all via the work and they have to still be in professional best behaviour. This is not a friends catch up for them. The fact you can’t see that really is the root of the issue. This IS work.

Yes I feel my boundaries have been disrespected and more to the point those who are forced to be passive recipients of this disrespect.
They were not forced or obliged to accept our invitation.

Weren’t they invited because it’s the kind/ right thing to show appreciation of the carers?
I’m glad you think they didn’t have to attend but what else did you offer by way of thanks for their efforts over the year?

This comment wasn't respectful.

And do you really think minimum-wage workers felt free to say no to their employers, OP? Or that spending their own time with clients is something they should be grateful for? Hell, my mother's carers all like her and are friendly, but I wouldn't dream of expecting them to give up more of their time to be in her company, even if they were being paid (unless it was a whopping big bonus) let alone be grateful for a damn lunch!

What does this even mean?

What boundaries?

Please spell it out, because this might get to the heart of the matter.

I'm beginning to wonder if the fellow who made the remark has heard of OP and was doing a subtle wind-up ... if he was, it worked!

Janey is saying that the carer’s boundaries have been breached.

OP, can you not see the power imbalance here? I used to employ a nanny for my children. We would invite her to come to a Christmas celebratory meal with us and the kids. She would come every year, and she enjoyed the fancy meal in town, but I was under no illusion that she’d probably rather be out with her mates but instead was with us to be kind to my kids and polite to me.

I haven't required or needed them.
I was only happy to show appreciation for their care of others, for which they are paid but I'm not party to their terms of pay or conditions, nor are any of our members.

You look for offence where there is none.

If you keep doing that, in life you'll constantly be in a sulk about something.

I'd rather not hear my friends being patronised like this.

They are there to provide personal care.
Not friendship.
It would be patronising to pretend to be friends.

So Brenda and Jackie weren't grateful enough to come to work?

Oh right.

This thread is mad!!

You yourself have said that the carers were paid to be there. You also said that if they didn’t want to come then they didn’t need to accept the invitation. Who on earth would miss out on a FREE lunch whilst also getting paid to be there? I surely wouldn’t as that is quite literally, a perk for work.

I’ve read all of your comments and I can’t see why you’re offended? It was a free lunch for them whilst they attended and got paid. This is their job, they’re not there to be your best buds just because you guys have had a difficult time. If you no longer want to attend the group then you don’t have too, but there’s absolutely no reason to be offended here

It was not their 'work setting' but an invitation to participate in our celebration while being paid by their employer (not us)

They had an opportunity to be paid by their employer and get a free lunch. Of course they’ll accept, but they don’t see or value the group in the same way as you do because they’re not members. You need to accept that.

@YNK
I understand why this comment upset you

But try not to dwell on it, or let it spoil your connection to and enjoyment of the group

It was probably a silly throwaway remark, ill thought out

Draw a line under it and look forward to the next event

It was not ill thought out it was what the person saying it at the time meant, there was nothing wrong with it and just becauase the OP has serious issues that would take a life time to unpick does not make it a wrong thing to say

No pat on the head and 'there there poor you' does not change the fact the person who said it did nothing wrong

Neither of us know what the person meant by the comment @WandaWonder
Or if they even meant it

I've said similar at work events, that I've been glad to attend and found valuable

I think people often assume that people who are in caring jobs or who work for charities are happy to do lots for free. People forget that it's their job, so they probably accepted the invite because theu felt obliged. They may even have missed paid work to do so. The meal then was the compensation for the inconvenience.

They are being paid to be there, so they are at work, even though it is a celebration. If they were not being paid, they would probably not go. They are there to facilitate you/ the group to have your celebration.

You need to try and accept this - it's not about them being nasty or unpleasant - it's just that this is their paid job and it always has been a transactional relationship.

You can't expect them to enjoy working for free just because their work involves people and relationships.

A nice meal paid for by their employer is a perk of the job.