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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

437 replies

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:45

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:57

HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2023 00:54

The friendship and support is for the service users though, not the staff. Leaving because the staff weren't grateful enough seems pointless really

This. The carers are not there for friendship and support the affected members provide to each other, it’s a different type of (lowly) paid support. You are being offended unnecessarily.

They are not staff for the group, they care for some of our members.

OP posts:
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/12/2023 00:58

@JamieKnows That's where I am with this! A previous boss used to take us all out for dinner in November, and we saw it as a bonus. Most colleagues thought it was great, some really took the piss (literally - hoovering up any bottles left on the table) & then whinged if they didn't get a doggy bag.

Nowt so weird as folk.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:02

WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 00:06

OP I am wondering are you going to drip feed you have Autism, ADHD or any other diagnosed reason why you are saying this?

I have no idea what you are talking about.
I never said anything about ADHD.

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/12/2023 01:03

YNK · 12/12/2023 00:46

No they weren't.

They were invited as friends, as part of paid work.
They could have opted out if they wanted.

Show quote history

They weren't working, but they were being paid to work?

NoSquirrels · 12/12/2023 01:03

YNK · 12/12/2023 00:57

They are not staff for the group, they care for some of our members.

Show quote history

As part of their paid role (carer to members) they were invited to a free meal.

You feel them saying ‘it was a decent free meal’ is disrespectful. Other people think it was factual. They’re not obliged to be grateful. They’re not obliged to feel the same way about the charity as you do.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 12/12/2023 01:05

How does something a carer you’ve not met before, of a group member, said after lunch devalue your contribution to your friend group and dissolve the glue between you and your fellow service users?

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 01:07

@NoSquirrels they said at least it was a free meal.

FiveShelties · 12/12/2023 01:09

Why would you leave the group and feel grubby about a comment from someone who is not part of the group.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:10

I feel that our invitation was grudgingly accepted only because it saved them money, not because they wanted to be part of our celebrations.

OP posts:
Myotherdogsanoodle · 12/12/2023 01:10

I understand what you mean, OP, and can see it would leave a sour taste after a lovely Christmas meal together. But I don’t think you should dwell on it, and certainly not leave a group that means so much to you. It doesn’t reflect in any way on the purpose of the group or the closeness of its members.

FiveShelties · 12/12/2023 01:12

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:10

I feel that our invitation was grudgingly accepted only because it saved them money, not because they wanted to be part of our celebrations.

So the carers were not working, they were just invited guests?

coldcallerbaiter · 12/12/2023 01:18

It seems like banter…doubt they were saying it in a nasty way. Also you said they said it, but surely it was just one person and maybe the rest laughed or whatever?

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:18

FiveShelties · 12/12/2023 01:12

So the carers were not working, they were just invited guests?

Show quote history

No, they were being paid and attending as the groups guests, in gratitude for their efforts in working for our friends.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 12/12/2023 01:19

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:10

I feel that our invitation was grudgingly accepted only because it saved them money, not because they wanted to be part of our celebrations.

Why are you taking all this so personally, OP?

You're literally allowing a throwaway comment you overheard to ruin something you otherwise enjoy.

Let's work on the basis that you're right for a moment - I think you know lots of people see a free meal as a perk, it's hardly unusual, and if that was a crass comment to make then that's on them, BUT how much you are allowing this to get to you is 100% on you.

FiveShelties · 12/12/2023 01:21

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:18

No, they were being paid and attending as the groups guests, in gratitude for their efforts in working for our friends.

Show quote history

But they could have just seen it as work and therefore the lunch was a bonus, especially as it was good.

steff13 · 12/12/2023 01:23

If the carers were there but not working, who was caring for the people there who needed care?

penjil · 12/12/2023 01:23

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:57

This comment came from carers who were not actively assisting anyone today.

Then why were they actually there....?

Did they get invited? And why?

Pookerrod · 12/12/2023 01:24

I think you are being very naive here. In my corporate job I have to go to a lot of lunches and dinners. Well, I don’t HAVE to, but it’s the done thing. I’m always relieved if it’s a decent meal or at a lovely place I wouldn’t normally go to.

It’s unfortunate that you overheard the comment but it’s life. Some of those carers were there because they felt they should attend, not because they were grateful for the invite.

Please don’t begrudge carers their feelings. They get paid a pittance, often on zero hour contracts with very little security and have to work extremely long hours to make ends meet.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:28

I appreciate all your comments especially those who understand how demeaning this comment felt to me personally but more for my friends who need to accept they need assistance through no fault of theirs.
They are not to blame for needing help and we have all contributed to financing this.
They benefit from paid work and we appreciate their help, which is why we wanted them to have a nice time with us.
If I had a guest in my home I wouldn't invite them back if that was their parting shot at xmas!

OP posts:
Pookerrod · 12/12/2023 01:31

YNK · 12/12/2023 01:28

I appreciate all your comments especially those who understand how demeaning this comment felt to me personally but more for my friends who need to accept they need assistance through no fault of theirs.
They are not to blame for needing help and we have all contributed to financing this.
They benefit from paid work and we appreciate their help, which is why we wanted them to have a nice time with us.
If I had a guest in my home I wouldn't invite them back if that was their parting shot at xmas!

Oh come off it, you’re now going too far. You gave a bunch of minimum wage workers a bit of a Christmas do. Nothing more, nothing less. And you expect them to fall over themselves with gratitude. And in fact, they were grateful, for the nice free meal! What more do you expect?

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 01:32

If they were being paid to be there then they were obliged to be there. Not there as guests. Paid carers are not there to be service users friends, to be friendly yes. But it's a job at the end of the day and you have to remain a professional distance.

MissTrip82 · 12/12/2023 01:32

Caring is very hard work and typically poorly paid.

I think you’re being very very unreasonable if you think they should feel privileged and honoured to attend. They appreciated a free lunch, as we all do.

It would be a real shame if this silly thinking spoilt the event for you.

NoSquirrels · 12/12/2023 01:33

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 01:07

@NoSquirrels they said at least it was a free meal.

From the OP:

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 01:35

Cupcakekiller · 12/12/2023 00:06

Caring is a tough job and usually underpaid. You'd begrudge them a free Xmas meal?

Not at all!
I have made significant financial contribution to the charity as have most of my friends and I attended in hope we could all enjoy each others contribution as equals.
We are all just an accident away from needing that help.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 12/12/2023 01:37

OP I think your poor communication style is contributing to a lot of confusion here. It is very difficult to follow.

You use the services of a charity, but you also pay for those services? The charity employs carers who you believe should think of you as a friend rather than a client?

the charity paid for a Christmas lunch - or a small number of service users paid for a Christmas lunch - carers/charity employees had their lunch paid for. One employee commented that it was a free lunch and you don’t think he was being a good friend or sufficiently grateful for having his meal paid for. I assume this man earns a low wage? Or is he the solicitor your referenced?

all very muddled and odd.

I think you are too emotionally invested and need everyone to be ‘friends’ and fully supportive. Perhaps you need to develop some better and deeper support networks from family and real friends? The comment on a stranger shouldn’t affect you this much.

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