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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

437 replies

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:45

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:09

Are you saying something like, people attend this charity as service users e.g. having received a brain injury and their paid carers were essentially making disparaging remarks about having to be there (for work) so said at least we got a free lunch? If so, I agree that's not on and akin to a SEN TA commenting on how they'd rather not have to sit next to Jonny who does XYZ but at least we get school holidays off. There but for the grace of god they should be thinking if this charity supports people post injury!

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 00:09

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:55

Yes it was a fact, and before my injury I had a position where I attended events in a similar capacity but I felt privileged and honoured to be invited, not that it was a compensation.

I really don't feel this was a comment in the xmas spirit at all.

I don't think the statement suggests compensation.
A free lunch is a bonus, a gift, an extra trear, not compensation.
If it was expected as a reward/payment they wouldn't say free.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:09

I have no issue at all with them getting a free lunch and as I said I have enjoyed activities myself in this capacity although I didn't feel it was compensation.

I don't feel that my contribution was accepted in the spirit it was given.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 12/12/2023 00:10

I'll assume the charity paid for a xmas lunch for the service users and their carers? So similar to a workplace xmas lunch and you're offended the carers had a day off and were treated to lunch? Is that the gist of it?
I think it's you who is missing some xmas spirit.
What an odd thing to be annoyed about.

HerMammy · 12/12/2023 00:11

Cross posted with you OP, your contribution? did you pay for lunch?
did you want thanked?

LittleBearPad · 12/12/2023 00:12

YNK · 12/12/2023 00:09

I have no issue at all with them getting a free lunch and as I said I have enjoyed activities myself in this capacity although I didn't feel it was compensation.

I don't feel that my contribution was accepted in the spirit it was given.

So you think they weren’t appropriately grateful for being invited?

Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:13

Your contribution to their lunch?

BrimfulOfMash · 12/12/2023 00:13

I am genuinely confused by your explanation OP.

It sounds as if you attended the lunch and paid for your own lunch as part of the social activities you enjoy with the group?

And other group members have carers… who also enjoyed the lunch which was free to them as they were there as carers?

What is your contribution in this context?

FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 12/12/2023 00:14

So essentially those carers not working today have been invited along to join others for lunch?

I think YABU. They have given up their time to attend . My work Christmas dinner is this week, I’m giving up my evening and in return I expect a decent free dinner..it’s an acknowledgement of the hard work everyone puts in all year round. They don’t need to prostrate themselves in gratitude.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:16

Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:09

Are you saying something like, people attend this charity as service users e.g. having received a brain injury and their paid carers were essentially making disparaging remarks about having to be there (for work) so said at least we got a free lunch? If so, I agree that's not on and akin to a SEN TA commenting on how they'd rather not have to sit next to Jonny who does XYZ but at least we get school holidays off. There but for the grace of god they should be thinking if this charity supports people post injury!

Yes, I feel really bad for the people they are paid to help.

I feel this was unnecessary and mean spirited after we all had such a lovely time and feeling we 'belonged' in the group regardless of our injury, Those who have recovered have a bond with those with more severe (and sometimes permanent) conditions and it really jarred with me.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/12/2023 00:19

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 23:55

Carers are employees and being paid to be there. Of course the food will be expensed. Did you think they would pay?

This

they were working and won’t get paid much?

why would you begrudge them a lunch?

presumably if they weren’t there some of the service users couldn’t have gone?

SENparenting · 12/12/2023 00:22

I honestly don’t understand where you are coming from at all.

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 00:22

Who pays the carers day to day? Service users or the charity?
Why were they not assisting anyone today?
Who funds the charity?

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:22

Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:13

Your contribution to their lunch?

Linch paid, presumably a contribution for our guests.
Also raffle prizes and very generous donations and contributions to the charity.

However our friendship and support for each other is the glue that I felt dissolve when I heard this comment.

If they didn't want to be involved with our celebration, they were under no obligation to attend.
I feel the comment was unnecessary and hurtful.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/12/2023 00:22

So the replies didn’t go your way, so you are now saying they weren’t working. So why were they there then?

threelittlescones · 12/12/2023 00:23

@WandaWonder

How on earth could this be linked in any way to ADHD?

Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:23

Basically they were looking down their noses then and moaning about having to be there when the rest of you were there for a social gathering based around a common/shared experience. That's actually very rude of them to comment at all.

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 00:23

You talk about bonding as a group. But carers are not your friend. They would not be there if they were not getting paid. They may like you and get on well with you, but they are not going to feel grateful that they had a Christmas lunch paid for.

Cupcakekiller · 12/12/2023 00:24

But they're there because they work there. You choose to go to socialise/belong. Totally different reasons- can't you grasp that?

SawX · 12/12/2023 00:25

Can you just explain clearly what the situation was - who paid for what- and why the comment upset you?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/12/2023 00:25

I genuinely cannot comprehend why this is in any way a big deal at all

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:28

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 00:22

Who pays the carers day to day? Service users or the charity?
Why were they not assisting anyone today?
Who funds the charity?

It's a charity so it's funded by donation and the members generously contribute (as I said some have had legal compensation), either monetary or in selling 'crafts'
The patron is a solicitor who has acted for members, presumably generating income, however the money is not the issue - I feel my friends have been devalued.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 00:29

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:55

Yes it was a fact, and before my injury I had a position where I attended events in a similar capacity but I felt privileged and honoured to be invited, not that it was a compensation.

I really don't feel this was a comment in the xmas spirit at all.

They're carers, paid probably not much. And you want them to feel honoured to have a job there? O find it odd that as a paid carer previously, you felt privileged to have a job on low wages. Or is it the free lunch they should feel honoured and privileged to eat because they don't deserve to get it for free?

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 00:29

Isthisexpected · 12/12/2023 00:23

Basically they were looking down their noses then and moaning about having to be there when the rest of you were there for a social gathering based around a common/shared experience. That's actually very rude of them to comment at all.

Or possibly the problem is that they weren't suitably humble and grateful. Its not clear.

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 00:31

In what way do you feel they devalued your friends?

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