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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

437 replies

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:45

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP posts:
Decimbir · 12/12/2023 00:31

It does sound to me like they were a bit ungracious, I think I would have cringed if I’d heard it. But I definitely wouldn’t dwell on it or let it change your opinion of the group or even of any individuals. It may not have been meant the way you think, and only one person said it, who knows what anyone else was thinking, people agree and smile to be polite. Hope you had a good event otherwise, don’t let it be spoiled by a remark.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2023 00:33

YNK · 12/12/2023 00:22

Linch paid, presumably a contribution for our guests.
Also raffle prizes and very generous donations and contributions to the charity.

However our friendship and support for each other is the glue that I felt dissolve when I heard this comment.

If they didn't want to be involved with our celebration, they were under no obligation to attend.
I feel the comment was unnecessary and hurtful.

Show quote history

The friendship and support is for the service users though, not the staff. Leaving because the staff weren't grateful enough seems pointless really

It wasn't very professional to point out at least it was a free lunch, in ear shot of service users, but I don't think it translates to them thinking that the service users are all awful and they hate being around you

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2023 00:35

Ah, OK, I think I understand.

You thought the carers would see it as an enjoyable Christmas celebration.

One of them has made a remark which suggests that they saw it as an obligation.

Don’t assume that just because one person said that, they all feel the same. People are often too polite or nervous to challenge mouthy people.

WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 00:37

threelittlescones · 12/12/2023 00:23

@WandaWonder

How on earth could this be linked in any way to ADHD?

Edited

I have no idea, it is used as an explanation constantly on here

JANEY205 · 12/12/2023 00:38

I really really can’t comprehend what has upset you here OP. They aren’t the service users and aren’t there to be ‘glue’ as you put it. I feel like context or something is massively missing as saying oh free lunch is hardly offensive? How has it devalued anyone? Or you think they should be grateful to be with their service users anyway?

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:38

TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/12/2023 00:22

So the replies didn’t go your way, so you are now saying they weren’t working. So why were they there then?

I thought they were invited to be our friends and not considered as mere dogsbodies. The man who said this has never been in the center for our weekly meetings although I have no reason to think they don't earn their wages.

If I was in there position (and I have been) I would never have been so rude as to suggest I only attended an event because it was free.

The charity supports sufferers and their carers and a fair few members have gone through bereavement this year and it hasn't always been easy but we are so supportive of each other and the charity.
That comment felt so crass, especially at xmas!

OP posts:
OftIwandered · 12/12/2023 00:39

I think the OP feels a strong connection with the other group members. They have come together through something they haven't chosen but she now regards them as friends. Some people who work as carers were invited to the Christmas lunch but were not actually working. She feels the kinship within the group is tainted because these guests were (possibly) not grateful to have been included. I think.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/12/2023 00:39

I'm really struggling to understand what your issue is here? You're not explaining it very well. Was the lunch not a way of including/thanking the carers for their work over the last year? It sounds like a very lighthearted aside to me. I can understand you may have felt a bit put out, but your reaction seems a bit OTT.

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:40

JANEY205 · 12/12/2023 00:38

I really really can’t comprehend what has upset you here OP. They aren’t the service users and aren’t there to be ‘glue’ as you put it. I feel like context or something is massively missing as saying oh free lunch is hardly offensive? How has it devalued anyone? Or you think they should be grateful to be with their service users anyway?

I didn't say they were the glue that held us together.

I've never seen them before in my life!

OP posts:
shoutandpout · 12/12/2023 00:41

As an ex-support worker. A free Xmas lunch would definitely be a small perk especially with the atrocious wages - I was there to work and not to be overly familiar with service users. Do my job and go home. 🏠 don't understand what you're annoyed about.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 12/12/2023 00:42

YNK · 11/12/2023 23:55

Yes it was a fact, and before my injury I had a position where I attended events in a similar capacity but I felt privileged and honoured to be invited, not that it was a compensation.

I really don't feel this was a comment in the xmas spirit at all.

They were working!

No need for them to feel 'honoured', how ridiculous

Certainly no requirement to be in any Christmas spirit either. Bet they are on minimum wage too fgs!

NoSquirrels · 12/12/2023 00:42

You wish the (paid) carers felt honoured to be treated to a lunch and Christmas celebration.

You felt this one person was ungrateful.

You’re probably right this one person was a bit not-in-the-spirit with that remark, but it would be a massive overreaction to think of leaving the group, that your contributions aren’t appreciated etc.

Not everyone is the same. Focus on the friends you’ve made, not someone you don’t know at all.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 12/12/2023 00:45

It's December but not yet Christmas

Original poster
YNK · 12/12/2023 00:46

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2023 23:57

They weren’t “invited”. They were obliged to be there under the terms of their employment.

No they weren't.

They were invited as friends, as part of paid work.
They could have opted out if they wanted.

OP posts:
mantyzer · 12/12/2023 00:47

I think I understand what you are saying.
But for the carers this event was like their works Christmas do. For most people a works Christmas do might be fun, or it might be something they feel obliged to go to. The carers have a different perspective to you and the others who need this charity.
Please do not stop going. It really would be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

HerMammy · 12/12/2023 00:48

One person made a comment that you've taken offence to, and now totally over reacting and ready to flounce away from said charity/service?
I'm sorry but you're completely ridiculous, ask Santa for a grip!

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 00:49

@YNK But they are not friends. I know they did not have to go the lunch. But they were there because of their job. If they got another job, you would be unlikely to see most of them again.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 12/12/2023 00:50

I’m so lost here about how this devalues your contribution (craft?) and dissolves glue and devalues support and friendship.

was there alcohol at this lunch?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/12/2023 00:51

'invited as friends, as part of paid work' - that doesn't make sense. They're either getting a bit of a bonus outside of work because they're valued, or it's part of work.

WandaWonder · 12/12/2023 00:52

YNK · 12/12/2023 00:46

No they weren't.

They were invited as friends, as part of paid work.
They could have opted out if they wanted.

Show quote history

I don't care if I am flamed for this either you are making this up or being ridiculous

JamieKnows · 12/12/2023 00:52

You're making no sense OP. The very best I can grasp is that the paid carers came along to a meal and commented that it was a decent perk, since it was free. Sounds reasonable enough

HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2023 00:54

The friendship and support is for the service users though, not the staff. Leaving because the staff weren't grateful enough seems pointless really

This. The carers are not there for friendship and support the affected members provide to each other, it’s a different type of (lowly) paid support. You are being offended unnecessarily.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 12/12/2023 00:56

They’re working. Why should they pay for a Christmas lunch. Presumably had one of the club members needed assistance then a carer would have done their job and helped them.

mantyzer · 12/12/2023 00:56

@WandaWonder has it ever occurred to you that someone with an injury may have cognitive issues? It is actually common in some care settings with certain conditions for people to misunderstand the relationship and see paid carers as friends.

HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2023 00:56

I’m so lost here about how this devalues your contribution (craft?) and dissolves glue and devalues support and friendship

It doesn’t. This would only be the case if a member of the support group said this. It’s not the case if a non-member (carer) said this.

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