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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
Pengwuin · 17/12/2023 09:09

Gosh I feel like I could have written this. A few years ago, me and my brother lived at home as adults whilst we were figuring things out. We both worked full time, but despite this, my brother behaved the same of your son and my mum defended him, stating that because he worked a manual job I should be quiet because I didn’t work as hard as him 😂You might be surprised to learn that years later, despite having moved out and going our separate ways, we do not have a relationship and do not talk. My mum has no idea why(?!) So OP, act fast because this will damage more than you were realise.

Beexxxx · 17/12/2023 11:22

Yeh sorry it’s not about your husband “not being his dad”, your son is 23 and living in yours and your husbands house. He needs to grow up and understand that that means being respectful to the homeowners rules.

jannier · 17/12/2023 13:25

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

And this is why we have so many useless partners and dads who abuse everyone and everything around them. I guess if you grow and abusive inconsiderate twat you get what you wanted a man child who boomerangs back to mummy

NippySweetie16 · 17/12/2023 13:29

Is the sullen teenager act new, or was he like this before he left home last time? If it's how he was before, why did you not lay down ground rules for his return? Otherwise you have permitted this situation IMO.
Time to read the riot act, tell him the status quo is not tenable and, within a timescale, he needs to sort himself out and have a plan for moving on.
He is an adult, not a child, and needs to start behaving like one.

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/12/2023 13:32

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 11/12/2023 21:18

You son is taking the piss, you tried to help him out, and he isn't respectful, I would ask him to move out after Christmas

This.

Your sone is taking the lend - and TBH if he treated his gf like this I can see why his relationship ended.

Your son will move on to some other unsuspecting girl and walk away from you without a second thought. Don't risk your marriage for this lazy nowt or when he does find another woman to take him on, you will be alone (and your son won't give you so much as a backward glance . . . until the next time he wants somewhere to stay when his relationship doesn't work out.)

Tell him to move out after Xmas before your own relationship with your DH is completely effed up.

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/12/2023 13:40

timingout · 12/12/2023 20:26

Well, son came home poorly had a bath and went straight to bed so I guess we'll postpone our chat and see if he's better tomorrow.

How very convenient.

Imagwine · 17/12/2023 13:46

He’s behaving like this because he knows you are scared he’ll go no contact again.

Things will only change if you force them. He’s on a cushy number right now.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/12/2023 13:46

so 4 days later and the OP hasn't been back, so I guess the little chat never happened...

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 17/12/2023 13:51

Is the child his?
Can his wife become free of him or will she be forever tied?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 17/12/2023 13:53

oh interpreted that wrong. It’s the dad with wife and child.
tfft

Beautiful3 · 17/12/2023 13:59

Your 23 year old son is a man. You need to give him a month to move out. You and your husband have been very kind so far. It's not worth breaking up your marriage, when he may leave to move in with a new partner. I'm sure he will find a room to rent.

Bleechy · 17/12/2023 14:04

Give him a very clear ultimatum,shape up or ship out.Give him a realistic time frame to find his own place and explain why he has outstayed his welcome.
You and your partner have bailed him out when he needed it .Its time he went his separate way.
Don't let guilt stop you from doing what's right for you,it doesn't mean you love your son any less

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/12/2023 14:05

There’s no need for him to come home pitted like this. Ive got manual workers in my family and none of them come home pitted in black grease like this. They all get a wash at work. Even service vans have hot water, soap and sinks on board, they have to.. Health and safety etc.
I wonder if his attitude and disrespect for his surroundings contributed to the breakdown of his relationship?
He’s an adult now and he should behave like one.

Daisyblue77 · 17/12/2023 14:11

Ive lived through this . Its utterly soul destroying, you dont feel its your home. He needs to stop or move out, you need to sit him down and tell him what needs changing, be stern and lay down the rules. Tell him he has a week to put right the dirty walls and clean his room . Or he has to leave, your not his servant

Daisyblue77 · 17/12/2023 14:12

Tell him he had no choice but to take the flat,

Ladyj84 · 17/12/2023 14:18

23 year and old and you let him act like this. First he should respect both of you and second put your foot down

Jomasell · 17/12/2023 14:19

Theres the answer. He needs to take that flat

viques · 17/12/2023 14:22

Anyone else not surprised that the OPs feckless son’s relationship didn’t work out? I bet that is how he behaved towards his ex - after a lifetime of being indulged by his fond mama.

If he is ever to have a chance of another relationship he needs to learn a few truths.

TonTonMacoute · 17/12/2023 14:31

Tarbert12 · 11/12/2023 21:19

Tell him he has to change his ways or move out. Don't say the message is from your husband, own it yourself. Why would you want to live as a ridiculed skivvy to your ungrateful adult offspring?

This.

RudsyFarmer · 17/12/2023 14:34

Op you need to reparent your son. Something went wrong somewhere and you’ve ended up with a manchild. I’m going to guess it happened as a guilt response to the divorce and subsequent remarriage. You’re going to have to go back in and try and get him to adult up. It usually requires the child to move out for this to happen properly so the small flat would be a far better option than new rules that he will ignore.

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 14:45

If your dh wasn’t involved how would you deal with this situation? I think it would be relatively straightforward.

Obviously with adhd in the mix, it does slightly complicate the picture. He’s probably a bit immature compared with his peers, and from the sounds of his reaction to any comment, there might be RSD, and some elements of PDA. None of these are excuses, but they are explanations.

I don’t think we discuss what it’s like parenting adult dc and we don’t have many blueprints or advice sources. But this is a situation that requires some tough parenting. And honestly I don’t think it’s going to be resolved with a chat or in a short time frame.

I don’t think you should involve your dh in this though. I would go as far as to say that it’s a really bad idea to. You need to step up here and deal with your ds, call
him out on his attitude or conduct towards your dh, but this is your responsibility. By all means seek support, resolve and comfort from your dh but it’s not his job to parent your ds.

What is needed here are strong boundaries and consequences. But they need to be upheld and enforced over time. It’s easy to lay all the blame at your ds’ feet but you’ve played a role in enabling it too. So don’t lay the responsibility at your DH’s feet because that’s unfair to both of them.

moonbeammagic · 17/12/2023 14:47

You are allowing your husband to be disrespected in his own home. I understand that he's your son, but his behaviour is appalling and he had already moved out. In DH's shoes, with you seemingly unwilling or incapable of supporting me, I would be gone - leaving you to deal with your son alone. Your son is a grown man - treat him like one.

GerriKellman · 17/12/2023 14:48

You actually sound a bit frightened of him.

Gettingbysomehow · 17/12/2023 15:12

I wouldn't put up with that shit from my own DS and nobody else should have too either. If he cannot respect your home and rules then he can find his own place.

Gettingbysomehow · 17/12/2023 15:16

He hasn't "always been like this" OP, you and your ex have not taught him how to behave. My DS would never disrespect my home like this because he knows full well I wouldn't tolerate it for one second.