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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
betterangels · 13/12/2023 15:25

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 15:15

What you really mean is that your son is avoiding the situation and hiding in his room like a child. Unless his head has fallen off, he can be read the riot act.

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Agree. He has read the writing on the wall, is avoiding you for now and hoping you let it go again.

Therealjudgejudy · 13/12/2023 15:29

Your husband sounds like a Saint putting up with your enabling nonsense of your son quite frankly

MrsPCR · 15/12/2023 12:41

'I'm sorry, this isn't really working. You're my son and I love you, but this is our home and I don't currently enjoy living here. If you were my partner, I'd have turfed you out long ago. A lot must change immediately for you to continue to live here, otherwise you need to find somewhere else to live in the new year and be gone by the end of January.'

If you could leave, you would, but it's your home so you're stuck, and that's not fair.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 15/12/2023 12:45

timingout · 12/12/2023 09:45

He's been offered a small flat by a family member who has property to let, but he's not interested in what he considers a pokey flat and is happy at home.

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Just tell him no choice. He either rents that flat or another one. My son - a few years younger - also works with cars - yes he can have muck on his clothes or hands/hair etc but I have no mess around the home as you are describing. A shocking lack of respect for you and his stepdad.

Mumsanetta · 15/12/2023 12:49

On a practical note; why not have a basin of water, some soap and a packet of wet wipes by the front door, so as soon as your DS comes in, the first thing he does is get his hands clean? He can still go straight up for a shower, but it should stop leaving oily marks everywhere.

My child is 5 years old and somehow still manages to go straight to the upstairs bathroom and wash her hands without touching the walls when she comes home!

TheBerry · 15/12/2023 12:50

timingout · 12/12/2023 20:26

Well, son came home poorly had a bath and went straight to bed so I guess we'll postpone our chat and see if he's better tomorrow.

Did you manage to speak to him in the end?

Eleganz · 15/12/2023 13:00

socialdilemmawhattodo · 15/12/2023 12:45

Just tell him no choice. He either rents that flat or another one. My son - a few years younger - also works with cars - yes he can have muck on his clothes or hands/hair etc but I have no mess around the home as you are describing. A shocking lack of respect for you and his stepdad.

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Indeed. OP is be being far too lenient.

Seen it happen countless times, seems to always be mum and her little boy in my experience.

Gooseysgirl · 15/12/2023 13:05

NRTFT

Based on the OP your DH is absolutely right - he needs to go!

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 13:28

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:36

I meant never choose a man over me

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@snuggleswithmygirlies

so OP should just put up with her sons disgusting slovenly behaviour then?

yeah, no.

Anisette · 15/12/2023 13:30

I have tried talking to ds but he just rolls his eyes and walks away, for eg if I moan about mess in the kitchen he'll respond with "oh do know what I just won't eat anymore" so it's impossible to find a solution.

Why take that as meaning you can't find a solution? Just say to him that it's entirely his choice - either he tidies up after himself or he goes out to eat for every meal.

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 15/12/2023 13:45

timingout · 12/12/2023 09:45

He's been offered a small flat by a family member who has property to let, but he's not interested in what he considers a pokey flat and is happy at home.

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Of course he's happy at home, it comes with a built-in maid and general dogsbody! He needs to experience living on his own and realising that mess does not clear itself up.

EvilLynz26 · 15/12/2023 14:09

Yowzah, he's never going to learn if you don't speak to him. He's properly taking the mick. Hope you spoke to him.
And I wonder why his previous relationship ended..

MarvellousMonsters · 15/12/2023 14:18

Did you not teach your son to clean up after himself?? Why does he think it's ok to make a mess like this in your house? Black grease smeared on your walls? Seriously, who thinks that's ok? I would've laid down the law the first time this happened, and insisted he clean it.

Make it clear, he cleans up after himself, and starts looking for his own place.

ClaireD1986 · 15/12/2023 16:30

OP, how did chat go?

OneLollipop · 15/12/2023 17:19

He's been offered a small flat by a family member who has property to let, but he's not interested in what he considers a pokey flat and is happy at home.

Gracious me, OP. Your son is behaving like a spoiled brat! Tell him he's to move into the flat pronto, before the end of the year. He can sell his ridiculous car if he needs cash to fund it.

You need to give him some firm boundaries now - 23 is not a child. At 23 my (male) cousin had been married for 18 months (granted, they got married young, but my point is he was an independent adult running his own home with his wife) and was in the final year of a medical degree. Your son is taking the proverbial and you are too afraid of losing him to stand up for yourself, but by allowing this situation to continue you are losing him anyway. I imagine this isn't the life you want for him? He needs to buck up. He might appreciate you more when you stop allowing him to wipe his feet all over you (and his hands on your walls, bleurgh) and has to do things for himself.

Welshmonster · 15/12/2023 19:32

My toddler is expected to keep dirty hands of the walls and carpet as we head to bathroom to wash together. An adult can wash hands before he leaves work as all workplaces are expected to have handwashing facilities. If he behaved like this for his partner then that may be to blame for relationship breakdown.
your house. Your rules. If he doesn’t like them then tough.
husband could be more supportive rather than making you piggy in the middle

Vonesk · 15/12/2023 20:12

Why don't you Ask your son what his plans are.
He's a grown up; I should think he's got a life plan in his minds eye. T. B. H. Whether he drops towels and dirt everywhere is prob not the issue, the issue is being taken for granted.
If you was privy to his life - plan I'm sure it would make a difference. If he was living with friends I. Shared house he would have to buck up. It's so sad when family fall out like this and a few years down the line will make you sad when you remember it. I think you need a end point to work through, not a nasty eviction of your child.

CleaningAngel · 16/12/2023 10:38

I feel.sorry for your husband having to put up with this.
Your son and his feral ways are due to how you have brought him up, he was obviously never taught to be clean , tidy and respectful from a young age.
He just thinks this is the norm.
Ever heard the saying 'create a monster you have to feed it'
Completely down to his upbringing

BackAgain2023 · 16/12/2023 11:11

No wonder his relationship broke down!

I'd sit down when you're all calm and discuss the house rules. Ask him to agree to them and if he doesn't, give him a months notice to move out .

Bobsyouraunty · 16/12/2023 12:32

Any update op?

Beachwaves127 · 16/12/2023 16:04

you May find your relationship with your son improves too if he’s not under your roof. Can you work with your son to look for a new place together, work out what his priorities are with him etc etc?

LowLevelGrumpMostly · 16/12/2023 21:02

socialdilemmawhattodo · 15/12/2023 12:45

Just tell him no choice. He either rents that flat or another one. My son - a few years younger - also works with cars - yes he can have muck on his clothes or hands/hair etc but I have no mess around the home as you are describing. A shocking lack of respect for you and his stepdad.

Show quote history

Agree, most 23 year olds struggle to afford an independent flat or to find a landlord who doesn’t prefer a two salaried couple to rent such a flat. He has choices, that flat, find his own flat, go get a room in a shared house, go get a room as a lodger.

Are you charging him the going rate for being a lodger? Point him at spareroom.co.uk. And let him appreciate the costs.

I am amazed your husband is still there. He sounds really decent and must love you a lot to have put up with this in his home.

One of them has to go.

Spicastar · 17/12/2023 00:54

I hope your intervention goes well. If it doesn't, you still must persist and give an ultimatum: son goes to therapy (to understand why he's so cantankerous about basic life skills he'll need to do everywhere anyway; and if he has mental health issues, he might need medication). AND then he'll move out. To the relative's pokey flat or council housing, doesn't matter, but anywhere but yours.

There's a similar person in my extended family who behaves exactly like this and has returned home to his mum three times after failed jobs & relationship. He abandoned his child. He's been a pain for the whole family for 15 years now and it's just getting worse.

He won't help himself so everyone finally put their foot down. He's living in the streets -- we don't now where. Don't let that be you and him. Stop enabling him and get him into therapy. Being that antisocial and anti-cooperative is not normal and won't serve him well.

Bobloblaw84 · 17/12/2023 01:01

Jesus H Christ. Have you read your own post? Pack up his things and put them on the front lawn.

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 08:10

You are being way too soft on him. I suspect he’s played you tonight.