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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 12/12/2023 13:19

When you have that talk later OP you need to give absolute, non negotiable deadlines.

If you do X, Y and Z starting today then you can stay until X month so need to start looking for a new place now or tell family member you really appreciate the offer of the flat and would like to accept it.

If you don't do X, Y and Z starting today then you need to be out of the house by X date.

Don't have the conversation without giving deadlines.

And if I was your DH I would be really pissed off if you let me do all the talking later. You need to lead on this OP so it doesn't look like you're meekly going along with what your husband wants.

Be firm. You're letting him down by letting him continue to live with you despite his disrespect tbh. You're not preparing him to be a thriving adult. You're preparing him to be a selfish and entitled one.

Ethylred · 12/12/2023 13:28

What a horrible situation OP. I can't imagine how you feel. However, I get the clear impression that things will only get worse for you if you do nothing, so the sooner that you act the better. And act has to mean kicking him out; there is no way of sugarcoating that.

fluffiphlox · 12/12/2023 13:32

I think I can see why his marriage ended. Out by the end of January.

Brefugee · 12/12/2023 13:35

agree with @monsteramunch you need to set absolute targets/goals/deadlines (a bit like fixing KPIs at work if you will)

Otherwise he's going to take the piss and you will lose your DH. Who, by the way, sounds lovely.

Aria999 · 12/12/2023 14:45

Hope your talk goes ok but really, he needs to move out soon anyway.

Even if his behavior improves this arrangement is clearly not sustainable for you and DH long term and it's not really good for your son either, it's just delaying him stepping up and becoming an independent adult.

Especially as he does have an option of somewhere to live!

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/12/2023 15:14

Your husband is being incredibly accommodating whilst your son ….isn’t!

If he’s too comfortable to leave , make it uncomfortable.
He needs to pay board and utilities equivalent to what he would pay in a flat.
If he can’t afford it he needs to get a 2nd job or sell the car he can’t afford
Stop cleaning , washing, cooking for him. He’s a grown up not a child
Employ a cleaner he pays for , either he cleans up or he pays for someone to clean after him.

Time to teach him to be a grown up OP not pander to his slovenly ways

DinkyDonkey2018 · 12/12/2023 19:25

Wishing you luck with the chat tonight. It seems you've got a good plan of action and hopefully it'll all go smoothly.

Original poster
timingout · 12/12/2023 20:26

Well, son came home poorly had a bath and went straight to bed so I guess we'll postpone our chat and see if he's better tomorrow.

OP posts:
NoNoNanette · 12/12/2023 20:29

timingout · 12/12/2023 20:26

Well, son came home poorly had a bath and went straight to bed so I guess we'll postpone our chat and see if he's better tomorrow.

Oh. Right. He's not daft then.

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:35

I also have a mum who would never choose me over any man so call me old fashioned but children come before partners.

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:36

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:35

I also have a mum who would never choose me over any man so call me old fashioned but children come before partners.

I meant never choose a man over me

toomuchtosay · 12/12/2023 20:42

@snuggleswithmygirlies he's not her little boy! He's a grown man behaving like a little boy.

Tourmalines · 12/12/2023 20:51

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

Pfffffft. He treats his mother so disrespectful and you think that’s ok ?? He’s a grown adult by the way . And I bet his future wife wouldn’t be happy with his behaviour either . Never mind , you do you .

Borth · 12/12/2023 21:04

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

Enabling poor behaviour is doing him no favours. It’s not a choice either. Poor behaviour should not be tolerated.

monsteramunch · 12/12/2023 23:30

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

This isn't about choosing between her son and her husband though.

It's about choosing between enabling her son to continue being disrespectful, lazy and entitled or giving him the best shot of becoming a decent, respectful, functioning adult. One of those choices will see him having a much better quality of life than the other. Spoiler alert - it's the latter choice.

Which is hardly a big ask now that he's in his 20s!

OliveWah · 12/12/2023 23:51

On a practical note; why not have a basin of water, some soap and a packet of wet wipes by the front door, so as soon as your DS comes in, the first thing he does is get his hands clean? He can still go straight up for a shower, but it should stop leaving oily marks everywhere.

I agree you really need to put your foot down, but you really need to mean it. All of the things you have said you are going to ask of him are perfectly reasonable, but he needs to be clear that the first time he fails to respect the house rules, he will be out. He needs to understand that he has used up all his "chances", this is it. If he wants to stay, he's very welcome to, as long as he doesn't leave the house in a mess or speak rudely to the other people who live there - put this simply, it really isn't a lot to ask!

femfemlicious · 13/12/2023 06:06

I can just imagine what his ex went through 😭. I'm glad she got away

Angelsrose · 13/12/2023 06:57

I am all for putting one's children first but your adult son cannot behave like this. There is no reason why you and your dh should have to live this way. I think having this chat asap whether your son is "poorly" or not is imperative. You're not doing him any favours by tiptoeing around him. Anyone who is fortunate to stay with their parents whilst they save for their own property, should make an effort to be an excellent house guest.

FinallyHere · 13/12/2023 12:58

Own your own choices.

Would you really put up with your son's behaviour if you did not have a partner?

FarmGirl78 · 13/12/2023 13:15

My OH is a mechanic and there are NO black marks on the bedroom, bathroom, lounge, kitchen, anywhere walls. The ONLY thing at all is one sightly discoloured patch about 2 inches across, in the corner of the porch where he bolts the door as soon as he's home, and the back of his knuckles brush the wall.

And you wouldn't be asking him to leave 'because of your marriage'. You'd be asking him to leave because he's a lazy, disrespectful, rude arsehole who's making your own life miserable, surely?

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 13/12/2023 14:11

His behaviour is awful. I really feel for you. Hope the chat goes well.

fluffiphlox · 13/12/2023 14:18

So the OP asked for advice, got it, didn’t like it and is now going to indulge this useless herbert while ditching her husband. 🤷‍♀️
Edit. No I’ve got it wrong. As you were.

LifeExperience · 13/12/2023 14:27

Your husband has every right to be upset. Your feckless son moved back in, you're acting as his skivvy and he's showing no respect to anyone. Why should your husband have to put up with that? Tell your son to take the little flat and move out. Or couch surf at a friend's house. Or whatever. He's a grown-ass adult and it's past time he started acting like it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 15:15

timingout · 12/12/2023 20:26

Well, son came home poorly had a bath and went straight to bed so I guess we'll postpone our chat and see if he's better tomorrow.

What you really mean is that your son is avoiding the situation and hiding in his room like a child. Unless his head has fallen off, he can be read the riot act.

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