To expect after school club to provide a proper tea?

[Fummymummy]

Genuinely don't know what the norm is here so looking for perspective.

Dd is in reception and goes to wrap around after school.
After she'd come home starving several times, I asked the staff for more info about the tea set up.
They serve tea at 3.30pm, DD says she isn't hungry then so doesn't eat. Fair enough.The food is then taken away and they can have a cracker or a biscuit as snacks later on.
Every single day last week she has had crackers for tea, and today she's had 1 biscuit!
I get that she's offered tea but if she isn't hungry they can't force her to eat, and they have to have a cut off - that's fine, so I asked if they would at least save her plate for later so she at least gets her tea even if it's cold.
She came home yet again today absolutely starving. Doesn't seem like they're keeping her plate back.

We don't get home until about 6pm so she's going from 11.40 (when reception eat) til then.

AIBU to be pissed off that she's living off crackers and biscuits when she's meant to have tea there?
I don't get why it's so early, or why they need to take plates away if some clearly haven't eaten.
Is this normal? Do most kids have to have a second tea at home later? (We usually have bedtime snacks, not a full meal). I know it's not like a nursery where the ratio is lower, but it feels poor that they're letting her go without (bar the crackers).

She's in bed for 7pm so it's a struggle when I'm having to rustle something proper up between getting home, doing her reading and bath/ bedtime.

Am I expecting too much?

The bottom line is that she needs to eat proper food. Even if she ate the hot dogs at 3.30, that’s not enough to get her through to the next morning.

You need to find a way to make sure she has dinner, either keeping her up later or picking her up earlier. Or have dinner already cooked (slow cooker) for when she walks in the door. If she cannot stay up late enough to eat dinner with your current work times then you need to find a way to adjust those, or put her to a childminder who will feed her a proper meal instead of ASC.

But you cannot just carry on wither her eating cracker and then just having a slice of toast when she gets home. Her poor diet will be contributing to her tiredness.

I was a single mum to two kids and had to use ASC so I could work. I still fed them. Stop acting like no one else understands. We do. But she needs dinner so you have to change something.

You need to work part time your hours and the lack of proper food are not fair on your dc. You are not a single parent, you have two incomes you don't have to work full time.

I think maybe you were a bit spoilt by nursery?

What does she get for her school lunch/dinner? Mine only wanted something light like scrambled eggs, cheese on toast, sandwiches, pitta bread with veg sticks each as they had a full meal at lunch time. So most could be prepared in advance so could be produced very quickly if necessary.

And judgemental people... bore off. Its a mother doing their best. It would be lovely if OP could earn a full time wage for school hours work... but thats not how life works. Shes working to pay for food, housing, clothes etc, not going down the pub while her child lingers in an orphanage...

I haven't said I don't want to give her proper food. I've taken on board comments, realised what they provide isn't what I thought, and have since given her tea at home and plan to continue to do so.
And I've made it pretty clear that she's always had something when she's got home - just supper rather than a home cooked hot meal.

I have said several times flexing my hours isn't an option right now but it should be in the new year. No, I can't just afford to go part time "because we have 2 incomes" on what planet are some people on? And not only that, but my job isn't doable on less hours - I wasn't able to drop any after asking my employer. Which is why I can't be available for pick ups.

And to be very clear, I do not give a fuck what time anyone else thinks is appropriate for my child (that you have never met) to go to bed at. She goes to bed at 7. End of.

Mine started needing a full meal in the evenings as school meals and snacks just didn't really do the job. Hopefully as yours gets older, she'll be able to have a simple meal at 6:30 or 7pm and then go to bed around 7:30 or 8pm. Good luck!

I wish you and your daughter all the best, op.

No idea why people are giving so much grief to the OP who has asked a question, taken on board responses and seems lovely!
OP - I found the change from nursery to school and wrap around tricky with food. Like your DD mine had an early tea at nursery and was happy with a snack when they got home. This was enough for her.
Our ASC didn't offer a meal so I knew in advance I needed to make dinner when we got in around 6 but it was still HARD! Extra meal planning and batch cooking, and a really hungry little girl who couldn't even wait 10mins for something to be heated. It did get easier as she got bigger, and eventually I was able to move my start time even earlier so we could get home a bit sooner. Now my youngest has just started school and she's also been soooo hungry for tea even when getting in and fed earlier than her sister was. She's adjusting now and I'm looking forward (in some ways!) to bed time getting a bit later so the evening is less of a rush.
Good luck with it all x

When DS was at after school club they did things like sandwiches, wraps, pasta, spaghetti hoops on toast, chicken burgers. Not hugely substantial but better than just crackers!

You have no idea of OP's circumstances and it's none of your business what hours she chooses to work, that wasn't what she was asking.

Ours used to do early tea because they had 2 pick up slots and that was the only way to accommodate those picked up earlier.

is she actually not hungry or distracted by other activities she could be doing instead of eating? This was always a problem with my son - they started making them all remain at the table for a set time (couldn’t choose to go play instead) and he started eating then as did lots of them!

A cup of tea surely wouldn't be normal for a small child?

3.30 sounds about right for a light tea, if children have lunch at 11.40. Most will be peckish by then. I'd check your DD is only not eating because she isn't hungry and not because she is upset at not seeing you for what sounds like 8/10 hours and then goes to bed very nearly as soon as she gets home (if you are collecting her and then going straight home). Most families will be sharing an evening meal, before getting their children off to bed (and how will you do later, when DD has evening things to do, e.g. sports clubs, Brownies, music lessons etc?). And YABU to expect an evening meal from an after-school club; they aren't expected (nor being paid by the sounds of it) to provide the evening meal, that's your job. Mine (admittedly a long time ago) went from school (from age 4 and a half for DD, and lunch was at 12.00) to childminder (who picked them up and provided a snack and drinks) to home, where they'd have a light snack (toast, etc.) before dinner, which was a full meal with a pudding, before bed at about eight. Children eat a lot, even though in small amounts at a time, so if your DD is refusing food at 3.30 (over 3 hours since lunch) then something else is going on.

There's no suggestion this after-school club does not do that, it is that the DD won't eat it. Crackers are a light snack later.

That's true enough though her job doesn't sound like split shifts at a supermarket. She may have a crippling mortgage or aged parents to help out, we don't know. But DD seems to be in school (reception probably starts at 8.30) from early morning to early evening, which is a long time for a small child. I dislike this idea that everyone has to go out to work and that bringing up one's own children is a waste of a woman's education, qualifications etc so I am rather biased but 8 hours seems a long time to be in school, and then practically straight to bed with a snack at 7pm. At the very least the OP needs to re-organise her thoughts here and think about providing a proper family meal at the end of the day, even if it's pizza and chips and mushy peas (even cack-handed DHs can do that), and a slice of bought apple pie, all sitting at a table together and not watching TV, bustling around getting the child ready for bed.

If they’re things like sandwiches and sausage rolls, could she put them in a lunch box when they’re served and have them later when she’s Hindu?

But it's absolutely none of your business what other women want to do. It's not your place to tell someone else how they should live their life.

Hilarious that OP should provide a ‘proper family family’ but cack-handed husbands can get away with pizza and chips.

Should not eat 'when hungry' but when it is time to eat. Routine is very important to children and also teaching children that they are the centre of the world and should eat when they please is not a good way to bring children up, nor lead to a healthy eating pattern in adulthood.

@Mummymummy89 I totally agree. Bed time at 7.45- tea at 6.45 - and you don't have to eat then although it's better for socialisation if you do sometimes. If you are getting in at 6 - then I wouldn't expect to have a child bathed, bed and fed by 7pm.

Use a slow cooker or batchcook and heat up curries, bolognese or chilli etc when you get in or if you can afford to do it - get some great quality ready meals and just add some extra veg or a salad on the table. We ate an awful lot of M&S and Cook meals when we were in this situation and lived to tell the tale.

If you don't want to eat as early as that then use an airfryer and bang in some breaded/battered fish portions or sausages, quiche , pie or good chicken nuggets and a jacket potato or waffle and add beans or cook a bit of frozen veg etc
Other options my son used to like were pasta pesto with some cooked chicken and peas added, an omelette with tomato's and cucumber and toast, crumpets with cheese on top and a side salad, pre done meatballs added to good quality pasta sauce on spaghetti with added peas , cooked breakfast type thing sausage, bacon (done in airfryer) plus an egg and tinned tomatoes and bread

Honestly I think they will adjust to a slightly later bedtime - my friend got into the habit of a 6.45 bedtime with her little one because her partner was bad tempered when he got home from work and more so if the little one was messing around- sad I know.

Can you throw something in the slow cooker on days you’re picking up later so it’s ready when you get in? Or leftovers you can quickly microwave?

Offensive and sexist - these are the only words than spring to mind.
If you’d bothered to read, the OP took on board the suggestions (even the rude ones!) and is now offering a bigger meal after ASC.

That's true enough though her job doesn't sound like split shifts at a supermarket. She may have a crippling mortgage or aged parents to help out, we don't know. But DD seems to be in school (reception probably starts at 8.30) from early morning to early evening, which is a long time for a small child. I dislike this idea that everyone has to go out to work and that bringing up one's own children is a waste of a woman's education, qualifications etc so I am rather biased but 8 hours seems a long time to be in school, and then practically straight to bed with a snack at 7pm. At the very least the OP needs to re-organise her thoughts here and think about providing a proper family meal at the end of the day, even if it's pizza and chips and mushy peas (even cack-handed DHs can do that), and a slice of bought apple pie, all sitting at a table together and not watching TV, bustling around getting the child ready for bed

You can ‘dislike the idea’ all you like but the reality is people more often than not need two incomes to support their family. To tell someone they don’t need to work full time is the height of condescending. You know nothing and she didn’t ask.

The op doesn’t need to ‘reorganise her thoughts’ for fuck sake. She is already taking action to get her child to eat properly by seeking advice on here (Brave lady.) No suggestion the father should ‘reorganise’ his thoughts or working hours?

And for the record, working mothers are still parenting their child when they are at work. They are providing for them, they are being positive role models, they are making the money that buys the food, the activities, the family days out and the decent standard of living that so many children lack.

I didn’t quote properly I don’t know how to. When i press ‘reply’ it doesn’t quote for me. How do you do it please fellow MN?

She asked for advice so I gave some. I am not criticising her, but society that makes women go out to work full-time when they have small children, which does not seem to me either women-friendly or a feminist stance I support. When I had no children I thought 24-hour nurseries and off-loading the children on relatives so I could work was a good thing, but really, they are just ways of making women act like men, rather than women, and disparage everything that makes us different from men. A society where women were truly equal would value motherhood, would understand and cope with the biology of women, and their life arc being completely different from men's, and work out ways to allow women to have a career and rear children without outsourcing childcare or losing promotion prospects. Our current method only values making money, so a woman going out to work provides work (less well-paid and with less status) for other women who look after her children, which makes money for someone and supports a capitalist system which values nothing but profit and the ability to make profit. I don't like it and it disadvantages all women - and all men.