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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are living your best life?

171 replies

SoMuchOfEverything · 11/12/2023 19:05

I had a conversation with a friend today who is very successful. She is from a fairly normal background and is very much "self made". She said that most people could have her success, but they don't want to help themselves to change their lot in life. I said that a lot of people are unable to change their lot in life. She said everyone could change something if they wanted to, they just don't want to live their best lives (or even their slightly better lives) because it is too much effort.

Thinking about it, I know there are lots of things I could do to improve my life (eg. get more exercise etc), but I never seem to have the energy 😕 So I guess she is right? Am I alone in not helping myself to improve my own life?

AIBU to ask are you living your best life? If so, what does that look like for you? If not, what is stopping you?

If you are not living your BEST life, what could you do to help get you living a slightly better life? (I don't mean like a lottery win or miracle cure for a long term illness, I mean things that you can personally control - better diet, exercise, more early nights, reading more books/newspapers, be more aware of current affairs, floss, declutter, travel, quit smoking/drinking, apply for a new job, learn a new skill, meditate, budget, catch up with old friends, paint, draw, yoga, play an instrument etc.)

If there are things in your control that could mean you have a slightly better life, what is stopping you from living a slightly better life?

Yabu - I'm living my best life
Yanbu - I'm not living my best life but I don't want to do anything differently even if it meant my life would be slightly better than it currently is.

OP posts:
Staggersaurus · 11/12/2023 19:09

Your friend sounds like a sanctimonious twat.

pinkfonie · 11/12/2023 19:13

You're friend is right. But the problem is people CAN'T change themselves, usually because they have too many other stresses going on in their lives, relationship issues, raising children, obesity, smoking, alcoholics, stressful jobs etc. and a lot is also to be said about who you surround yourself with.

But I do think if you are positive, positive things will happen.

pinkfonie · 11/12/2023 19:14

My issue is in addicted to my phone. Absolutely addicted and I can't get off it in order to do better things with my time.

fruitypancake · 11/12/2023 19:15

Also need self awareness to even know what needs changing etc

Pigeonqueen · 11/12/2023 19:16

Your friend is an arse. I hope that helps.

She’s obviously been very lucky in either her health, support network or background or all of those things. Many people are not so lucky.

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/12/2023 19:18

I’m uncomfortable with the “any could have what I have if only they’d bothered to work for it” rhetoric because it’s never a level playing field - in terms of help, background, genetics, health, luck…

But there is a lot to be said for doing what you can to make your life better where you can - finding small joys in day to day life, prioritising yourself where you can and seeking a good work-life balance. Doing what you love when you can, rather than being constrained by what society / people expect.

And by that I mean that “living your best life” is pretty individual and not nearly as straightforward as your friend seems to think!

27icey · 11/12/2023 19:19

pinkfonie · 11/12/2023 19:14

My issue is in addicted to my phone. Absolutely addicted and I can't get off it in order to do better things with my time.

Same. I need to read Atomic Habits

GoingDownLikeBHS · 11/12/2023 19:21

I’m a carer for my DD20. Fuck my life. I’d like 5 minutes in a room with your smug friend. You buy into this too?!

BertieBotts · 11/12/2023 19:24

I am happy with my life. I don't agree with your friend's definition of "living your best life" at all! I more often see it used as a jokey phrase when someone is luxuriating in relaxation, not in the sense of being relentlessly "successful" (whatever that means!!)

Desecratedcoconut · 11/12/2023 19:24

Yes, I'm living my best life. But I'm hopelessly unambitious and easily pleased. The trick is to keep a low bar. 😁

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/12/2023 19:25

She said everyone could change something if they wanted to, they just don't want to live their best lives (or even their slightly better lives) because it is too much effort.

Maybe it hasn't occurred to her that for many people, expending less effort can be precisely what makes their lives better. Ambition and constant self-improvement (or constantly telling yourself you should make more improvements) are not necessarily what makes you happy. It all depends on how you define 'best/better', doesn't it? I suspect that for many people, the idea that their life will feel better if they lose that stone / get that promotion / do more exercise turns out not to be actually very true. And even if it is a bit true, they soon turn to the next improvement and are never satisfied.

Greenshake · 11/12/2023 19:26

I hate that particular phrase, it’s so MLM and patronising.

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 11/12/2023 19:26

But what is my best life?!

I do my best; I'm generally happy. I'm not as successful as I could have been because I prioritised spending time with my kids. I don't really understand what my best life is according to her.

Mumdiva99 · 11/12/2023 19:27

How is her life better than yours? Because she makes more money?
Because she goes on expensive holidays?
Because she's thin?

What values do you and she have?

I value time over money. Time to be with my family. That's better to me....but maybe not better to her.

betterangels · 11/12/2023 19:27

She said everyone could change something if they wanted to, they just don't want to live their best lives (or even their slightly better lives) because it is too much effort.

Is she always this sanctimonious?

cathyj77 · 11/12/2023 19:29

I half agree and half disagree with your friend.

On the big stuff, there’s a huge amount we can’t control, so maybe she is lucky in some ways, to not have any serious health problems in her life or tragedies or whatever.

But assuming all is basically well in one’s day to day life, there are small things one can do to really make things better - eating well and exercise, doing whatever makes you happy rather than wasting time on your phone etc, ruthlessly prioritising and ensuring you don’t spend time with people who make you miserable. Some people just don’t try very hard to be happy, usually because they prioritise everyone else over themselves.

betterangels · 11/12/2023 19:29

Greenshake · 11/12/2023 19:26

I hate that particular phrase, it’s so MLM and patronising.

Yes, it's giving huge MLM vibes. She might as well have said 'we all have the same 24 hours in a day."

MintJulia · 11/12/2023 19:34

I don't much like your friend's definition.

I'm doing OK I think. Certainly I feel good, I work full time, I run & cycle and practice martial arts. Have fun with my ds. Dance in the kitchen, Enjoy my food. I genuinely enjoy most days.

Two years ago I was poorly, frightened, going through chemo. Things are much better now. I have my hair back, my energy is back. Life is good😊 That'll do.

Genericusername3 · 11/12/2023 19:37

Sounds like your friend doesn’t have a clue about bio-psycho-socio-economic-political (plus others) factors that affect a persons life.

Plus she’s assuming other people actually want her version of ‘success’ in the first place. Success is subjective.

bakewellbride · 11/12/2023 19:39

Your friend is an arse with no clue about the real world! Is she that tory who called homelessness a lifestyle choice?!

betterangels · 11/12/2023 19:46

MintJulia · 11/12/2023 19:34

I don't much like your friend's definition.

I'm doing OK I think. Certainly I feel good, I work full time, I run & cycle and practice martial arts. Have fun with my ds. Dance in the kitchen, Enjoy my food. I genuinely enjoy most days.

Two years ago I was poorly, frightened, going through chemo. Things are much better now. I have my hair back, my energy is back. Life is good😊 That'll do.

I love this so much. Fabulous.

GreyCarpet · 11/12/2023 19:47

I don't think your friend is an arse or a sanctimonious twat at all.

She's right to a degree.

No, not everyone has the capacity, skills or personality to become 'self made' but all of us could make small changes we need to improve our lives if we wanted to.

I grew up in abuse and with a parent who undermined and actively sabotaged me. As a direct result of this, I was homeless with a newborn baby at 23 (I won't go into the details). I've been nc with my abusive parent for 12 years and the other is dead. But the scars remain.

I'm not living my 'best' life but the things that get in the way of that are largely trauma related. I could have more therapy to address these but I don't.

But I made choices and changes along the way that resulted in me getting a first class degree and a MA and having a career.

There are undoubtedly small things I could do now to improve my life - things that would give me a better work life balance; things that would improve my health and fitness; things that would improve my social life but I don't for various reasons.

We all have choices. Some have more than others and some people's choices are better than others as a starting point. Eg, one of my friends is a millionaire. He is self made in the sense that he earned his money himself but his parents were successful gave him the self belief to think he could achieve anything he set his his mind to and he did. He also hasn't had to deal with a lot of the shit other people have to wade to just to get to zero.

But we can all change one small thing to improve our lot.

Brexile · 11/12/2023 19:48

This is basically the avocado toast debate, in which both sides are right: some people really could save up a house deposit if they stopped wasting money on stupid stuff, and some people can penny pinch all they want and never achieve much financially, because there are unsurmountable obstacles in the way of their ability to earn a decent amount.

So your friend has a point but also needs to consider people in difficult circumstances which can't be overcome with hard work and positive thinking.

GreyCarpet · 11/12/2023 19:50

Plus she’s assuming other people actually want her version of ‘success’ in the first place. Success is subjective.

I very much agree with this though.

I had an argument with an ex about it once because he measured 'success' in material wealth whereas I don't. He hated his job but it earned him a 6 figure salary and afforded him a nice house, flash car and nice holidays. None of those things mean anything to me!

To me, success is peace. And, in that sense, I am successful. And, I guess, I am living my best life...

topbananarama · 11/12/2023 19:51

Staggersaurus · 11/12/2023 19:09

Your friend sounds like a sanctimonious twat.

Is it really necessary to use such a vile word?