To ask if you are living your best life?

[SoMuchOfEverything]

I had a conversation with a friend today who is very successful. She is from a fairly normal background and is very much "self made". She said that most people could have her success, but they don't want to help themselves to change their lot in life. I said that a lot of people are unable to change their lot in life. She said everyone could change something if they wanted to, they just don't want to live their best lives (or even their slightly better lives) because it is too much effort.

Thinking about it, I know there are lots of things I could do to improve my life (eg. get more exercise etc), but I never seem to have the energy 😕 So I guess she is right? Am I alone in not helping myself to improve my own life?

AIBU to ask are you living your best life? If so, what does that look like for you? If not, what is stopping you?

If you are not living your BEST life, what could you do to help get you living a slightly better life? (I don't mean like a lottery win or miracle cure for a long term illness, I mean things that you can personally control - better diet, exercise, more early nights, reading more books/newspapers, be more aware of current affairs, floss, declutter, travel, quit smoking/drinking, apply for a new job, learn a new skill, meditate, budget, catch up with old friends, paint, draw, yoga, play an instrument etc.)

If there are things in your control that could mean you have a slightly better life, what is stopping you from living a slightly better life?

Yabu - I'm living my best life
Yanbu - I'm not living my best life but I don't want to do anything differently even if it meant my life would be slightly better than it currently is.

I don't really accept the who idea of 'living one's best life'. I have a life. I'm really lucky in that I live in a stable, wealthy, peaceful and free democracy which automatically makes me much luckier than a good 65% of the world. That's a pretty good start. Plus, I rarely have to worry about going without decent food, electricity or clean hot water. So that makes me luckier than a good 70% of the world.

As to the rest, I think the most important thing, for me, is to try to be a good influence in my little tiny corner of humanity. So that means doing my best to be patient, loving and kind to my family, friends, colleagues and immediate circle.

Other than that, I'm lazy sometimes, driven at other times; easygoing sometimes, fussy at other times; well organised sometimes, flakey at other times. Sometimes I'll go for a run and eat steamed broccoli; other times I'll slob on the sofa re-watching my favourite netflix shows bingeing cadburys whole nut.

So just another human really, living a life, with the crucial difference being that luck and circumstance puts me in the upper third of humanity in term of wealth, peace and freedom. Which I think makes me unbelievably lucky, tbh.

Wow, that sounds impressive. Great to hear what other people's "best life" looks like. I'm very envious of your book tally, but don't think I'll be pursuing the cold showers in January! 🥶Good luck for whatever your next set of challenges will be.

@Strokethefurrywall You are admirable! In my dreams I am like you are. I'd love to know what makes one person activate these plans and another person intend to but just never get around to it.

Does pushing yourself make you fundamentally happy or do you feel driven by a need to achieve in order to feel worthy (of life/parents/self etc)?

@PoppyCup it honestly makes me fundamentally happy to push myself 😁 There is nothing I love doing no more than setting myself a challenge and then mentally or physically smashing through it. I'm not out there climbing Everest, my goals are always far more personal to me and always vary in size. As an example, one of my new goals in January is to become a whizz at Microsoft excel. I hate excel, have always hated it and now I'm so tired of hating it so I've decided to make it my bitch... 😅

Every challenge I set myself I keep in line with my family/work life so it doesn't negatively impact in other areas, and I don't really talk about what I'm doing unless it's something big that I need emotional support with.

It kind of started when I lost my younger brother 12 years ago, and I trained for a marathon to help me cope with my grief. My baby was 9 months old at the time so had to juggle a lot.

I'm 44 now and quit alcohol in May which was a big change in my life too but one that has seen the end to my low level booze related anxiety, has increased my mental well being 10nfold and contributed to me losing 20lbs+. I'm also now the fittest I've ever been in my life which is great.

The one thing I will say is that motivation might be the fuel, but discipline is the fire. I have trained myself to recognize that for every one "hard" thing that I get through, I'm rewarded in multiple ways and knowing this is what keeps me disciplined.

Start small, and start with one thing you don't want to do. Might be getting up at 6am and going for a 10 min walk. The idea of it is far harder than the actuality of it (although I live in the Caribbean so cold showers and 5am runs are far more palatable when it's not -5oc outside!)
But i just found that first thing to conquer, something that gave me the feeling of "I can do anything" and it changed my mindset.

I do it because I love it but it doesn't suit everyone. I know just how hard it is to take the first step and who knows if I'd be like this if I hadn't made the promise to my brother? Some people can leverage adversity/tragedy and use it as fuel for a goal, but others may not be able to and that's ok.

@Strokethefurrywall thank you for your brilliant reply. I'm fascinated that you suggest starting by doing something you don't want to do and turning it into a habit, rather than something you do want to do. I guess that helps with self discipline and a sense of achievement.

I find it hard even to stick to self discipline with things I really do want, so I love the idea of training my self-discipline with something even harder.

I might even stick with the idea of a 10 minute walk at 6am. Though with the filthy cold, pitch dark mornings for the next 8 weeks, I think I will go for 10 minutes of yoga sun salutations which I hate too, but are so good at stretching and waking the body up!

@PoppyCup - I don't love waking at 4.45am, but I do love that I get to workout in peace for a few hours before work, or I read quietly on the couch with a coffee.
Once you get through the necessary evil of an early start, it's just something you do because it's so ingrained in you (like brushing teeth) and you do it to get to the reward 👍🏼☺️

i don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that you can live your best life at every stage of your life. At some point you have to be prepared to sacrifice your current happiness for your future happiness, or pay back for the years you already had. For instance I have been through years of hard work, emotional, physical and financial sacrifice in the last 15 years to get to where I am now. Today, I am fifty, divorced, career minded and am definitely living my best life. The skills and confidence I accumulated over these 15 years are now serving me well.

I thank my 35 - 49 year old me for putting short term wants aside and doing what was necessary to get me to where I am today.

really, how much sacrifice you need to make and how much suffering you are willing to put yourself through (i.e. doing without luxuries or beasting yourself for a good body or working extra hours to upskill) will depend on what ‘living you best life’ looks like. Mine was about freedom, security and independence not about Instagrammable holidays and fun with friends, so I feel mainly that I have achieved it but I also still have more than enough to do to keep me motivated.

How lucky for your friend that she's not grappling with serious illness, caring for a family member with a disability, dealing with a bereavement, trying to bounce back after redundancy, going through a challenging divorce etc.

It's easy to be a self-righteous, smug cow when everything is going your way....

She is happy in her life and strives to achieve her goals. That isn't the same as having everything going your way. Why do you assume that she hasn't been dealing with any of the things you mention?

She has dealt with redundancy (twice). She has had her share of bereavement. She has been in a horribly abusive relationship (and got out). She has had a lot of therapy and worked hard to get to this point in her life. She is neither self righteous nor a smug cow - what makes you think that she is? The fact that I (her friend who has seen her graft and grow over 25+ years of friendship) thinks that she is successful?

I'm baffled by some of the comments and assumptions on here.

And you didn't even answer the question of whether there is anything you could change in your own life, you just choose to call other people names for making the most of theirs.

Thank you, yes, this is a good way of looking at things. Some choices are to enjoy life now and some choices are to set you up for the future.

It all sounds very Kim k when she told joe average to “get off your ass and work.” Not acknowledging the huge advantages she has of money, help with children, house, make up, hair etc etc
i don’t really like that attitude, I’m currently running myself into the ground between a full time job, keeping a house and raising 2 young dc (and trying not to look like a corpse doing all that!)
I’d love to make time for the gym / self care / hobbies but I don’t have a lot of help with my dc and when they are in school- I try cram in my work hours! I’m exhausted!

@dressedforcomfort Read the room. OP is only interested in replies about getting up early to run, reading books and journalling. Anything else you are just a big meanie.

What a silly response.

She's made it quite obvious that's not what she's interested in and a lot of people.have understood that.

Lots of people who make the best of things and find happiness and contentment don't have everything going their way. But they choose to focus on the positives and make small changes.

Some people.have situations that make that more difficult and the OP has acknowledged that too.

Other people are just coming across as bitter and angry 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm interested in the responses where people have answered my question.

I'm not as interested in the responses where people ignore the question and just go straight to calling someone smug / sanctimonious / twat /arse etc. for having the audacity to enjoy their own life. So she actively tries to make her life better - is that really such a horrible quality?

For those posters who don't enjoy their lives, I'm saddened to hear that. Sadder still for the ones who don't think there is anything at all that they have the power to control or change. But I don't personally feel that way and I AM interested to hear the responses of people who have changed their lives/mindsets because this is something on my mind and the reason I posted the question in the first place.

So @GoingDownLikeBHS - if you would like to answer the question I would love to know your thoughts... is there anything you could do to make your life a teeny tiny bit better? Or not?

There's been a lot on Twitter today about discriminatory attitudes towards disabled people on MN and although I've been a member for nearly 20 years and have benefitted from a lot of support here, I have to say I agree. Here I am now having said I'm a carer for my disabled DD, being snidely asked what I need to do to make my life better. Well yeah I could have a nice hot chocolate and do a bit of journalling and then that would make me all cheerful and positive, and then I'd be an "acceptable" person. Carers get this shit all the time because people who have a lot of crap in their lives are required to be brave and positive, to make people like the OP feel better about themselves.

But anyway to answer your question OP, I think the best thing I can do to make my life tonight a teeny tiny bit better (head tilt included) is to leave the thread. HTH hun.

GoingDownLikeBHS

I don't see where the OP has been snidey. She did also acknowledge in her OP that some people were limited by personal circumstance.

Everyone's circumstance is different. There was nothing wrong with her asking because you are personally in a difficult position. She didn't single you out in the whole of the Internet to ask and berate you. You came on to her thread angry with her for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

@SoMuchOfEverything
It's not as simple as you make out.
From a psychology POV, your ability to take risks and your confidence in your own ability not to fail is usually down to your upbringing. Having stable attachments, parents who modelled work effort and responsibility, who loved you, who installed confidence in you is not a given for all, many people grew up in a home with none of these and without their basic needs being met. Imagine what this must do to you, growing up? Thinking that you're not good enough or not worthy or not loveable?
So imagine you're that child and then you receive relatively minor setbacks. You do not have the confidence in your own ability to overcome these, you don't have the safety net of parents or other family who will bail you out if you go broke, you don't feel secure enough to dominate a space which isn't meant for you.
This isn't just a class thing. There are people all over the country who have never felt secure or loved or celebrated growing up. And for these people it will take ten times more resilience and confidence to take risks or make themselves financially vulnerable by changing jobs.
Add to that cultural or gender factors. My foreign born dad wanted me to be a secretary. He said that was a good job for a woman. Having that repeated throughout childhood must have affected me. I did go on to retrain but I worked in admin for the last fifteen years.
There's nothing wrong with being in admin btw!
I'm just saying that when we deem people lazy or un ambitious, we need to be mindful of what they were or weren't brought up to believe in themselves. My ex was brought up to believe that you stay working in the same job forever, and he would never go for a job elsewhere. That's due to the fear of instability, do you know the other job as well, do you have the same level of security? Nope oh well better stay where you are. It's all very well to jump ship when you know someone will bail you out or when you know you will definitely be hired again. We don't all have that luxury. Especially people of colour. If you have found a workplace where you're not the victim of racism, where there is a good inclusive culture, where there might be more diversity in the workforce, why would you leave that? Why would you put yourself out there again when you know how bad things can be?

I agree with everything you have said. And you are describing me and my background almost perfectly.

I'm beginning to feel a bit like a sock puppet now! (I'm not!)

But the OP wasn't talking about everyone abandoning the rat race to follow a nebulous dream but rather the small things we can do each day to make our lives better. What that 'better' actually looks like is down to us and what is important to us.

If my idea of 'my best life' was a large house, mortgage free, a new car, ££££££ in the bank, great holidays, a long, happy and healthy marriage, confidence, self assuredness etc, well I've not achieved that in nearly 50 years on this planet and I'm never likely to for all the reasons you outline.

So I choose to find it in different ways. I have found ways to live my best life which means that, on a day tonday basis, I can be content and have peace. I still worry about stuff, I'm plagued with anxieties, my job is insecure and I rent. All a direct result of the reasons you state.

My peace doesn't look like someone else's. My happiness doesn't look like everyone else's. And my success isn't measured in the way society measures success.

And then my life completely imploded 12 years ago because of the reasons you have given (a culmination of 37 years of abuse and absolute shit in many ways) and I had one thought in mind. A line from the Shawshank Redemption - you can get busy living or get busy dying. And I chose living. I've spent those 12 years working on myself. Things aren't great. I'm not great.

But, from where I was 12 years ago, I am living my best life. Could it be better? Of course it could! I had to work really hard just to get to other people's starting point for a start. But I had a choice to spend each day dwelling on the past and ruminating on the shit or to make the best of what I had and who I am and make small changes that had a positive impact.

And that started with drinking a cup of tea in the garden each morning. Regardless of the weather or temperature and just taking it from there. In those days, at that moment, whilst I was drinking tea from my favourite mug, I was also living my best life.

Also, to add, given the position I was born into, I should have achieved a lot of what society measures success by.

I'm physically healthy, I'm intelligent, I'm academically capable, I grew up in a nice middle class area in a nice home. But behind closed doors there was significant abuse.

But what is the point in feeling aggrieved that my life looks nothing like those of my peers? What is the point in feeling bitter and angry at the injustice? What is the point in lashing out at others and calling them smug and sanctimonious for not having had to deal with the same shit I have?

There isn't one. And doing so wasn't going to improve my life in any way.

@GreyCarpet I understand what you're saying, it's a bit like the introducing one good habit thing. I think James Smith the PT speaks about making his bed every day. I agree hugely with that. That is not what the 'friend' in the OP was saying. She said that her success was due to her wanting it more than others, and therefore it being in the grasp of others who don't want it as much or are too lazy to grab it. That's what I fundamentally disagree with.

I have never met a more skilled, proactive, intelligent, diplomatic group of women than those I get through support groups for parents of autistic children. Those women are incredible. When it comes to challenging a decision or advocating for their child or writing and compiling evidence for an EHCP. Yet these women were mainly powerless when it came to improving their lives. What can you honestly do? Some of them were with their children full time, lone parents, a lot of them had given up good jobs and careers. I think the OP's friend would have a hard time if she were in their shoes.

You're right but that is one woman and one perspective. She is obviously wrong that everyone could be a successful business woman if they only tried/wanted it for many reasons. And society would collapse if they did because then who would be doing the other stuff?

But the OP's question was did she have a point that we could all make small improvements to make our own lives better (obvious impediments to this aside) and what people had done to achieve that.

A lot of people who have responded haven't been able to see past the idiocy of what her friend said in order to answer her question and it would actually have been a completely different thread if they had.

Those women are incredible.

I meet those women through my work too and I couldn't agree more.