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Original poster

To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

262 replies

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 09:46

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Iateallthechocolate · 11/12/2023 21:13

I don't think there is much you can do. Will you even have time with a 1 year old and a 3 year old?
Say you'll rent the house if she leaves it ready to rent and picks an agency. You can just be a local keyholder and liason with agency. If she leaves it full of junk you can't help obviously.
How old is your mother? If she's under 70 I see no reason why she can't sort it herself before she goes. She can always join him later if it takes her longer than anticipated.

telestrations · 11/12/2023 21:48

I'd try and persuade her inyo giving you POA in order to look after her affairs properly in her absence.

If you end up doing this for her, as it sounds you will, it will make it easier. And if there's any chance it goes tits up her only asset will be secure for her to come back to.

Apart from that all I think you can do is wish her well

occa · 11/12/2023 22:42

Well if you know where they're going then at least you will have some idea of cost of living (some of the Caribbean is extremely expensive, some much less so), healthcare, ease of access etc.

Be aware your mum will probably lose (legal) rights to use the NHS.

I think you and your siblings should definitely look into the court case if you can. The whole situation sounds very worrying

Lapun · 12/12/2023 17:52

Currently I live in the Caribbean. Most islands would have FB Expats Page. Ours gets lots of queries about living here: cost of rents, costs of living, price of cars etc. I live on a picturesque small island. The cost of living is high as is gas and electricity price. The people here are friendly and we have 3-4 supermarkets here ( all owned by the same company) I am ancient and I live with my son who works here. He has no wife or children so we can relax and enjoy life. The longer I stay the less likely I will return to live in London. Good luck but your mum needs to do some research and find an expats group on the island they intend to live on. I am in St Lucia ( 8.5 hours flight from Gatwick) Flights are expensive with only BA and Virgin airlines.

MarsandVenus · 12/12/2023 19:53

Oh OP, your DM’s situation rings so many alarm bells and if your intuition is telling you something about this man isn’t right, then listen to it. Is there coercive control going on here? I’ve experienced similar in my family - the love bombing, secretiveness, an apparent change in personality & soon a physical move away from family. Also, the guy sounds a bit of a fantasist selling an idyllic life in the Caribbean without really entertaining the practical downsides & ur DM seems to have been swept up in it.

I would definitely check her DP’s property deeds & also see what you can find out about his court case & work circumstances. Might sound melodramatic but I would (costs allowing) consider you & ur siblings hiring a private investigator to look into her DP’s background. Hopefully there is nothing sinister going on, but it’s better to know that for sure x

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2023 19:53

Sorry her partner sounds dodgy-cant work here because of a court case thats ongoing so hes leaving the country?

what are they going to live off if he doesnt manage to get a job there-why should you manage this mans house that you hardly know

you have to tell her you will not be clearing and renting her house out for her and she has to do it before she goes not negotiable

you cant just rent a house out anymore-theres inspections and safety things that need to be done or you can get in real trouble if the tenants complain

NaughtybutNice77 · 12/12/2023 20:26

Mojolostforever · 11/12/2023 09:51

Things seem to be going too fast, and it's putting too much pressure on you.

Why can't her partner move to the Caribbean on his own, and give your mum time to arrange house rentals and care of the dog herself?

As for keeping in touch with the grandchildren, it's true that she can FaceTime but it's not the same as a physical relationship. You can't hug your grandchildren through a screen.

Yes, this seems the sensible/normal way of doing things. The renting and the dog will be for them to sort. Make sure your mum has considered things like heathcare costs. I knew someone in their 50s who had to return to the UK when they developed diabetes due to medical costs.

Whatafliberty · 12/12/2023 20:55

It's the dog I feel sorry for.

ensayers · 12/12/2023 21:29

What would a private investigator cost, and how much more are they likely to discover about this guy's history, than the snippets that can be found on google by anybody.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2023 21:54

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 11:46

I can’t really divulge much about the DP’s work situation but he is British and high up in a regulated career. He is currently dealing with a dispute which means he is unable to work in his current field until it’s resolved (if ever) and his savings have all been used up in the court case.

Sounds madly dodgy!

They can get an agent for the houses, no way should you be dealing with that with 2 under three! There’s way too much involved. Do the houses need re-decorating to be fit for renting out? Who’s organising the gas safety certificate/epc etc? She’s very unfair if she is saying you’re doing all that. You really need to persuade her to get an agency to check credit references, do a check in (with a million photos) and vet tenants.

MarsandVenus · 12/12/2023 22:12

@ensayers No idea what a PI costs but cd reveal things OP can’t easily access such as: criminal convictions, financial status including outstanding debts/bankruptcy, current or previous marriage/relationship/children, property ownership. They could also follow him (covert surveillance) if OP wants to know where he goes & what he gets up to. They could also get to the bottom of the court case, which OP’s DM has been very vague about.

Caroparo52 · 12/12/2023 22:23

Renting professionally is full time job. Do you want a new full time job? If not then steer well clear. That's why letting agents exist.
Rehoming a new pet is an act of love and a part time occupation. Do you want to take that on too?
If not then rehoming the poor dog to a loving new home is fairer on both the dog and to you.

RiddlePiddle · 12/12/2023 22:57

I really hate to read what your DM is doing as it is so close to what my DM did. Just packed up and moved across the world with a man she’d known 5 minutes. It was so out of character for her.
Eventually we found out he was kind of on the run/had committed a crime and was hiding out there. He had a very well respected job and his criminal activity was connected to that. Ended up with my DM in an abusive relationship cut off from us all at home and she ended up with nothing. It was a truly awful time and we felt so helpless.
What I have said has probably done nothing to help so I am sorry especially if it has made you worry more. I can’t even offer any advice. But I really hope your DM’s situation is different and that everything turns out well for you all.

Escaperoom · 12/12/2023 23:11

If she is a hoarder is her house going to be fit for rental purposes? Also is she actually going to be able to clear it - real hoarders find this really difficult. If OP makes her DM responsible for sorting her own problems, by refusing to get involved, she very likely won't actually sort them at all and the 'dream' won't happen.

Also if she hasn't (apparently) been able to work for years that implies she has health issues in which case how will she cope without NHS input?

Also I agree with people who say this has red flags all over it. It sounds like a scam relationship to me.

pollymere · 13/12/2023 00:15

I had my honeymoon in the Carribbean. The beaches were lovely but look out of the bus window at the poverty in some areas and it's a different world. We were shocked by the contrast of rich and poor. I think your Mum thinks it's all paradise rather than hard graft. You are right to be worried.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/12/2023 00:24

GassyGirl · 11/12/2023 10:01

Tell her the move sounds great, but you can't sort out their properties or their dog, so they'll need to rent the flats out/arrange a home for the dog themselves.

This really

fingerguns · 13/12/2023 00:29

Selfishly, I feel sad that she won’t be around for the DC’s birthdays/Christmases and they won’t really remember who she is.
While I totally understand your frustration and sadness, especially as visits will likely be infrequent, Facetime is a remarkable thing. My PILs live abroad and there are many, many time zones between us. However, we call frequently and they have a great relationship with their grandparents. I'm impressed given they've only actually met a handful of times.

Fingers crossed that brings a bit of hope, but I am sad that she's kept secrets from you and has made a quick decision without taking loads of factors into account.

CelestiaNoctis · 13/12/2023 01:29

Sounds like all those take a break magazine stories. I guarantee she'll be returning within the year with a story about being scammed and him being a massive liar etc, just be there for her when it happens. You may wonder how this happens but if you read all those kinds of magazines there's endless stories about older women falling for manipulative men quickly and loving being desired. Often in the story they're after a green card but I'm sure there's something this man wants. The way she's acting and being secretive says it and that she knows something isn't right but is loving the attention and desire, sadly.

Flippingnora100 · 13/12/2023 02:22

You have every right to feel the way you feel, but your mum has every right to live her life the way she wants to. You don’t have to do any of the things she wants you to do to make it easier for her though!

In my own experience, in some ways having more ‘selfish’ parents is quite liberating because you don’t need to feel the need to put them first, because they haven’t put you first so there isn’t such a feeling of ‘duty.’ For example, my dad moved abroad when I was a child. Now, as an adult I feel like I can live wherever in the world I want without a feeling of, ‘It’s not fair to him…’ I live in Costa Rica now and love not feeling that sense of duty/burden that I probably would feel had I been put first. I love my family and step up when there’s a crisis, but only if I want to. Not because I ‘have to.’

Flippingnora100 · 13/12/2023 02:28

PS My post assumes she is not being scammed. You can definitely try Googling the circumstances to see if it’s a common scam. Older people dating are unfortunately common targets for scams.

coldcallerbaiter · 13/12/2023 02:46

Why is she not a good grandmother because she moves abroad? She can be on Skype every day if you all wish,

Airfates are £1k return anyway, that’s affordable once a year? If it isn’t then she should have a rethink, the Caribbean (varies where) is not cheap to live well in.

The dog? Course you do not have to take it.

it might not last anyway. The majority of cohabitation doesn’t!

coldcallerbaiter · 13/12/2023 02:53

You mentioned he was high up in a career and is having at dispute/ cannot work.

How did she meet him, online?

Sounds scammy?

No offence, but how old is your mum? A professional guy in the Caribbean who is legit is not going to be interested in a 60-70 year old other than to fleece her with a story…

Libra24 · 13/12/2023 13:35

As others have said, you can be 100% supportive of your mum, a grown adult, making rash decisions and not bursting her bubble.

What you can also do is say sorry mum I won't be renting out your houses or taking in your dog. Please make sure you sort that before you go.

Her excitement might pressure you to feel obligated but you'll be so angry and resentful once she's gone and you are juggling all this work and getting facetimes off her on the beach.

Just imagine cleaning up doo poo whilst she sends selfies. It should spur you on!

momager1 · 13/12/2023 19:53

OMG lol.. I had to double check you were not my daughter as we retired to the carribean this year. Here is the thing about the dog. He can be brought here safely on the plane (even if he has to be in a crate in cargo hold) both mine were. I would not have moved here without my dogs. My daughter was not happy that we were leaving. Even though the grandkids are no longer needing a babysitter (me) as they are 13 and 14 now. I babysat for over a decade and worked my hours around that as I was the owner of a large restaurant with a large amount of staff so I could do it. Since they were old enough to walk to school and my usefulness died off.. I saw them maybe 3 times a week..when they came for a free meal in restaurant. I told my daughter that I love her but this was always our plan for retirement, yes we did it 10 years before we thought we could, but we earned it. Been here 8 months, both been up seperately once already (dogs lol) and both going up seperate in January. Sadly our daughter and our two sons are only worried if we have made a will here as well just in case.. we are 55 and 56. Yes you greedy arses, we have made new wills. grandmonsters get it all. We were called selfish, we were told we were being stupid. OK GUYS with yours so busy lives that we may see you at our house or yours every two months when you lived 5-20 min from us depending on which child..or, when you called because you wanted something from us. OMG so sorry for the hijack of the thread. My rant is over.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 13/12/2023 20:55

I think it is exciting for her and nice that she has got a second chance at some fun and a life for herself after rearing her own family. But tell her firmly they can sort out their own rentals with an agency and their beloved dog. Why can they not arrange for the dog to go with them, know there is conditions but I could not part with my dog.