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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

262 replies

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 09:46

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 11/12/2023 15:37

I hadn't RTFT. Fully supportive of her going off to create a new life for herself and no criticism of "only" 18 months in principle.

BUT a secret wedding, a court case... all sounds dodgy AF.

Has she got other funds he could access upon marriage and then do a runner? Have you checked his background story adds up?

DinoDays · 11/12/2023 15:42

BUT a secret wedding, a court case... all sounds dodgy AF.

Good god OP. Have you googled this man? Clare's Law.

Is he even who he says he is!!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/12/2023 15:45

You’re only a good grandmother on mumsnet if your life revolves around your kids and grandkids and you’re constantly on hand for ad hoc childcare wherever, whenever but at the same time you’re not too intrusive and happy to go along with everything on your offspring’s terms.

I agree re the house and dog thing but your mum is going on an adventure- this is her time now. The Caribbean is amazing. Just be happy for her Op @Ticklemeharder

anyolddinosaur · 11/12/2023 15:46

Helping your mum sort out one property is a lot different to solely managing 2 properties. You need to say no to anything to do with the second property and "I cant be solely responsible" for your mother's property. Dont take on a dog unless you want one but that could be an excuse for not having time to do anything with your mother's property.

Do check on his background and if he hasnt had any work in the 18 months why not? Unless he is physically ill he could have been working at something.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 11/12/2023 15:48

I’m probably around the same age as your mum and if she was my friend I’d be very worried that she was being scammed. Years ago, I had a friend that was taken in by a smooth talking scam artist. I knew there was something dodgy about him but she refused to listen as he hadn’t done anything wrong at that point. Her kids were young adults and she’d been a single parent for years and I couldn’t begrudge her being treated so well being wined and dined and nice holidays etc. She sold her house and put the money into a joint savings account and moved in with him then…, you can guess the rest sadly. The nice looking house he owned turned out to be rented and he scarpered with all her life savings. 😢

Has she been love bombed? How is she planning to fund this new lifestyle? Has she paid enough contributions to qualify for her retirement pension? Will she be entitled to work?

Birdcar · 11/12/2023 15:52

I think you need to appear moderately supportive. Just enough so that she doesn't feel she has to dig her heels in and stay there even if she's not happy but not enough that you're roped in to facilitating the move.

wronginalltherightways · 11/12/2023 15:54

GassyGirl · 11/12/2023 10:01

Tell her the move sounds great, but you can't sort out their properties or their dog, so they'll need to rent the flats out/arrange a home for the dog themselves.

Exactly this. Keep it simple and clear: Happy for her, BUT she'll need to sort her own stuff out before she goes. And you're not having the dog.

greencheetah · 11/12/2023 15:56

I would try not to piss on her chips. Agree with her that everything will be fabulous, but be firm that you won’t be able to help with the rental issues or the dog.

Bright and breezy, but no practical responsibility.

Sallyh87 · 11/12/2023 16:18

This sounds like the start of a romance scammer documentary, where I just keep asking

  • why did you do that?
  • how did you possibly believe that?

Anyway, do not take control of renting out two properties. It is a nightmare.

I think smile and say good luck.

BrimfulOfMash · 11/12/2023 16:24

OP I too would have been very sad to see my Mum move so far away - my kids adored her, I would have missed her, and missed sharing my children's celebrations with her, and having her as part of the day to day life. Of course you feel sad, and that has nothing to do with also being happy that she is living the life she wants.

I do wonder, given the other things you say about her, if she is rather in denial about how hard visits will be, how distant Facetime can feel, etc.

Do you trust this man?

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 11/12/2023 16:34

It’s sounding like he’s anxious to leave the country, is there a possibility of a jail sentence looming and he’s getting out sooner rather then later, to a country that doesn’t have extradition rights with the UK?
I would be seriously worried if it was my mum, she sounds completely infatuated with the guy.
No way should you be sorting out her responsibilities OP.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 11/12/2023 16:44

Cannot believe she is just buggering off and leaving her 8 year old dog without a care in the world to be honest, I find that sickening.

Andthereyougo · 11/12/2023 16:48

Your mum’s entitled to move overseas, I wouldn't begrudge her that.
But expecting you to deal with letting out two properties and I suppose getting gas and electrical certificates, EPC certificates, overseeing repairs, tenants who might not pay, inspections etc.. is very unreasonable.
And why is she not taking the dog? Again it is her responsibility to either arrange transport/ jabs/ health checks/ flight etc for the dog or rehome the dog to her satisfaction, not just expect someone will take the poor animal.

Tumbler2121 · 11/12/2023 16:57

You can also pay a couple of pounds to the Land Registry to see if he owns "his" house ...

Walkaround · 11/12/2023 17:02

Your mother sounds vulnerable - apparently incapable at sorting out her own affairs and far too trusting of someone whose back story sounds like something straight out of a conman’s playbook. She also sounds immature and selfish, tbh - like she is used to her children, or anybody else she can find, babying her. I would not be happy about the situation and her extreme presumptuousness.

minipie · 11/12/2023 17:12

If he is hoping to work in his regulated profession based on his UK qualification (I’m guessing lawyer) then any ban or suspension on practising here will also affect his ability to work there.

If he has no savings and can’t work in his career then he doesn’t sound like a great person to be moving countries with tbh. What is your mum’s plan if her DP can’t work after all? Is she willing and able to fund him?

Shellingbynight · 11/12/2023 17:13

The move sounds like a poorly judged idea, but she's an adult so thats up to her.

But because she's an adult making her own decisions she needs to take responsibility for both the dog and the property rentals, she does not get to dump that and run off into the sunlit uplands. If she is faced with the practicalities and difficulties it might make her pause for thought. You should not bail her out.

SaffronSpice · 11/12/2023 17:31

Going abroad for a year or two? Why not? She has raised her kids so should enjoy her freedom. Yes it would be disappointing not to have her near for the grandkids but would you let her hold your family back if you had a fantastic job offer in Australia? Or even sixty miles away from where you live now?

Definite no to renting house or dog. I suspect ‘sorting the house’ also includes sorting through a lifetimes worth of belongings and winter clothing for storage.

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 11/12/2023 17:37

You can't do anything about her sudden decision to move, and probably shouldn't try to dissuade her-it's her own risk to take, but you can certainly tell her to deal with her own rental arrangements and her own dog.

willingtolearn · 11/12/2023 17:48

Your mother can do whatever she likes. But her house and her dog are entirely her responsibility to manage.

I would refuse to help in any way.

She needs to get real and not live in fantasy land where all the difficult work is done by someone else and she gets to float around 'on holiday'.

Original poster
Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 17:51

Wow, lots of responses. Thank you all for taking the time to post, I’m slowly getting through them. To answer a few questions:-

  • Yes, I know what part of the Caribbean they are off to but trying to be deliberately vague.
  • Trust me, my siblings and I have all had these conversations with our DM about love-bombing, scams etc. She’s having none of it and has got very upset with all of us and we have been treading on eggshells around her ever since that conversation.
  • He seems a nice enough chap when you meet him but I honestly haven’t spent enough time with him to really get an idea. They are quite an insular couple and even inviting them round for dinner will end up with them excusing themselves after an hour. I see my DM quite regularly in the week though as she comes to a couple of playgroup sessions with me and the kids.
  • They met at a mutual hobby group and bonded over that so finances were never mentioned or discussed in the beginning.
  • We’ve had a bit of a google about him. Seems pretty normal. Obviously the court case is a big deal but part of the issue is that DM doesn’t really know what it’s about either but is adamant it’s all a big misunderstanding. So we are trying to figure out what’s actually gone on from the snippets of info DM is giving us. We are very aware we may not be getting even close to the full picture but we are having to tread carefully so she doesn’t withdraw from us even more.
  • I will definitely speak to her about the rental properties. She’ll have to get a wiggle on to get them ready for before their flights (bracing myself in the meantime for tears).
  • Annoyingly, she’s right about the dog. One of us would have her rather than see her be rehomed but it’s not ideal and very irritating that she just assumes rather than sheepishly asking.
OP posts:
Notellinganyone · 11/12/2023 17:54

I would be clear that the houses would need to be let and managed by an agency, otherwise you will be endlessly dealing with queries etc. I would also make it clear I wouldn’t be taking the dog. For the rest, so long as she isn’t putting herself in financial jeopardy I suspect she will find the reality different to the fantasy.

Mirabai · 11/12/2023 20:31

You also need to talk to her about securing her future by not marrying him. That will be a very difficult conversation to have but I guess you could project what would happen if the relationship failed and she had to give him half her assets - what would that look like for her?

Kyliemichelletaylor · 11/12/2023 20:34

She’ll have a relationship with the kids and you can’t be upset at her for this (it’s her life etc), but totally unreasonable to expect you to pick up a dog and rent out properties. You have your hands full as hell with two little children! X

DinoDays · 11/12/2023 20:46

I think the PP made a great suggestion to check on the land registry to see if he actually owns his house.

It's sounds so so so so dodgy!!