To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

[Ticklemeharder]

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

Reading your updates this guy sounds extremely dodgy and I would be surprised if half what he has told you is true. I’d have words with your mum about the possibility he is lying and scamming her. Moving to the Caribbean sounds lovely, but it also means he has her isolated and far away.

Completely agree. Refuse to get involved. She can deal with an agency.

I have to say I agree with the PPs saying he sounds dodgy. A little bit of background checking wouldn't go amiss, just for peace of mind.

Tell your mum it’s too much to take on if you have to rent out both their places and she will have to use an agent. She can take the dog with her! Lots of people emigrate with pets.

Every single part of this screams romance scammer. No doubt once they get out there and she's isolated from everyone, he'll tell her he just needs a contract to come good and she needs to sell her house in the meantime to tide them over.

After reading this again, can you do a background check on him?

I wonder if him suddenly wanting to relocate is a way of avoiding some type of legal action against him?

This.

Honestly, this scenario varies from being pretty plausible to totally bonkers depending on which part of the Caribbean you're talking about. Where are they thinking of moving to?

A bit of general advice about possible romance fraud in this link:

https://www.surrey.police.uk/romancefraud#:~:text=Romance%20Fraud%20is%20a%20serious,Romance%20Fraud%20anonymously%20to%20Scamalytics%20.

Not saying he is a scammer but you can check him out a bit without them knowing or risking upsetting your mum.

Just. Say. No.

Honestly, I'm sick of reading here about daughters (myself included) run into the ground by ridiculous demands of extended family.

I understand you're disappointed she's moving so far away, but I do think she should be able live her life. It might be amazing or it might be a mistake but she needs to find that out for herself.
I think you need to be clear that you cannot take on managing two properties. I know you said you would help with hers, but you could say you've looked into it and there's a lot more to it than you realised , and you've got enough on with your small children so they would be better off with a letting agent. You could offer to help by preparing it for rental eg. Helping her clear it out/ helping her hire a skip or removal firm/ storage, so you're not completely going back on this.

She needs to decide what to do with her stuff and look at her budget and how much money she will need to live on once letting fees, storage costs and whatever else will be deducted, although this isn't your problem . She also needs to look into taking the dog with her. They've got a lot to sort out by January. It does seem very quick.

PPs are correct that a professional letting agent needs to deal with your mother's property while she is away. I would also strongly recommend to her that she does tnot sell up her property, thinking she will be spending the rest of her life in the Caribbean.
I know of several retirees who did sell up and move back to the Caribbean. A big proportion of them realised that the Caribbean wasn't what they thought it would be, would love to move back the UK, but can't because they can no longer afford to buy anything here.

Op honestly this sounds really dodgy and unlikely- The world is so joined up now that it’s not like you can “have a spot of bother” in London, and pick up in HK or Bermuda with no one any the wiser. What is this guy’s house like? Is it consistent with someone who has a well paying job?

it also sounds like your mum is a bit vulnerable and classic romance scam fodder. I think you need to do some major digging.

This sounds well dodgy, is he really who he says he is?

He sounds dodgy. The way you worded your post made me think he's a doctor/medical professional and he's at risk of getting struck off, so he's trying to jump ship and get a job abroad instead?

Life is short and so is be happy for her but explain that you won't be dealing with the rental side or her dog unless you want it. Give her time to think through the logistics. Just because she's not around the corner doesn't make her a bad grandparent, she had her family brought you up and so now it's her time to live her life the way she wants to and i'd be happy and supportive. It may just be a flight of fancy and the idea goes away or she may move and absolutely love it. Love shouldn't be conditional, allow her happiness she deserves it as do you.

Ticklemeharder
Unfortunately, I’ve dug myself a hole with regard to renting the properties as I offered to help rent my mums property (as she moved in with her DP 2 months ago) so she had some income coming in but she is a bit of a hoarder and there is so much stuff in her house that needs to be sorted out before she can even look at renting it. She’s lovely but gets overwhelmed very easily at anything she feels is “hard work” which is why nothing has been done at her house for the last couple of months. This is clearly part of the reason they now have an expectation that I will sort it out when they are away

Then say its overwhelming so you can't do it anymore, and they ll need to make alternative arrangements immediately. Honestly I cannot understand people who take on big family commitments and then complain when it's all too much. Perhaps you thought you owed your Mum but as you can see, it's not about what do you think. Your Mum is moving away and moving on with her life. She's not letting you and her grandchildren and her dog and he property here alter her plans. The most you can hope is that she'll be safe, and happy.

Caribbean is fine it's not somewhere deemed remote. There'll be Brits on every island. Very likely a Consulate, too. People move all the time, your mum can come back if she doesnt like it. & maybe you can have some nice Caribbean holidays too. Your mum is an adult you cant stop her.

It’s not that easy moving anywhere, OP. The ‘Caribbean’ ( I presume you do know what country, they are not just one amorphous blob, but you are not mentioning it to avoid outing) is just as tight on whom they let in for other than a holiday as any other nation.
‘UK Gov: ‘in order to immigrate to the Caribbean, you first need to obtain the right to reside there. There are a few ways to do this: Obtain a digital nomad visa, find a local job or start a business, or obtain citizenship. One of the most popular ways to obtain Caribbean citizenship is through investment.’

Is the partner already a citizen of the destination country? If so, does he have dual nationality or just right to remain in UK ( which might be impacted if he loses his case, gets struck off or debarred or whatever)? How are they intending to transfer the funds from the rentals, because that is not as easy as it sounds.?

I would be prepared to think that all this is just enthusiasm leading to rashness, until you told us about the covert marriage. I just can’t imagine anyone behaving like this except for questionable motives on one side at least.
Still, at least he is not telling her to sell her house. Yet.

When married your mum’s assets will become his assets which is a concern if he has a lengthy legal battle ahead of him. Particularly if he loses. Where will she live when the assets are all gone?

It all sounds barmy OP but at the same it also sounds balmy - so I’m conflicted.

I’d be devastated if it was my mum, but if it were me I’d love to live in the Carribean while She’s probably only in her 60s so she’s got time to go and come back again.

Definitely don’t let her marry him though.

It all sounds barmy OP but at the same it also sounds balmy - so I’m conflicted.

😂

Unfortunately, I’ve dug myself a hole with regard to renting the properties as I offered to help rent my mums property

No, you haven't. You offered to HELP her, when she would still have been on hand to assist and to deal with any issues (both in clearing and in renting) - not to be dumped with clearing and sorting two properties. I'd be telling her she could dream on if she thought I was taking that on, even with a managing agent once you had it/them clear.

This. The secrecy about the wedding is such a red flag! And the marriage will give him entitlement to her property and money?
Think I'd be doing some investigating into him. What your instincts are about him. Is he really "genuine"? What's his track record with relationships like? What's the court case about? Is it criminal? illegal actions? breach of ethics? financial irregularities?
At the end of the day, if she's determined, there may be nothing you can do. But I'd certainly withdraw the offer of managing the rental and insist it's put in the hands of professional.

YANBU to be annoyed, but you need to separate out the myriad of issues and associated feelings.

Missing her = totally natural but doesn't mean you & DC won't have a relationship, it will just be different to how it is now. It's ok to feel sad about that, but it doesn't have to be bad.

Her house = set her some deadlines. Be clear what you will and won't do; that it can't drag on. Perhaps if she has what she wants out by the time she goes in January, you use a house clearance firm.

His house = not your problem

Managing her house let = tell her she needs an agent. Give her the details of two, arrange for them to come round and let her choose if it helps,

The dog = she is prioritising the Caribbean over the dog. That doesn't mean you have to prioritise the dog.

@Circularargument I agree with you. Lots of posters on this thread criticising the woman for wanting to go abroad, "you can't make someone be a good granny" etc. If the OP wanted to go overseas, it would be "Go you, tell Granny she can't complain about you moving away, she can come and visit if she wants to see the kids"

But I agree it's UR to expect OP to deal with leases and a dog