To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

Actually I would take him to Disneyland as a reward for behaving so badly.

I can't believe that you carried on giving him a lift after he smeared jam on your seats.

Give over!

Are you also the mother of a child who can do no wrong? Some kids are just nasty and are deliberately provocative.

Also - I doubt that OP would allow any child young enough to put small things into their mouth and risk choking on them, into the back of her van without making sure that they were safely secured and unable to hurt themselves.

He sounds like a fucking psycho, he'll be in prison by the time he's 25

She has two choices: ensure he complies with your simple instructions, or tell him he's getting the bus.

If she goes with the former, let her know the consequences for any further damage or mess, deliberate or otherwise, are that he has to get the bus until you receive a genuine and sincere apology from the child himself.

No - no choices. He could very well do a lot of damage out of spite - or even do something that makes the vehicle unsafe. Don't risk it.

Why hasn't your own son said anything (to you, if not to him) OP

If she doesn't want him walking in the dark she can drive him herself! That is not for you to work out.

Assuming they're a pain to replace so ideally you'd want to get that sorted, I'd try presenting your friend with the facts in a very plain way: "Hi friend - little shit showed me some black plastic fixtures he picked up the other day and I've just realised they're from the van. Can you please ask him for them? Thanks". If he denies knowledge or says he lost them I'd then elaborate about him fiddling with the curtains.

"Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH."

Of course they can be removed by an 11 year old! How difficult should it be to remove curtains on a van in order to clean/wash them? We have similar in our caravan, stoppers at each end of the curtain rail; any child over the age of four could remove them with a firm push, and probably many younger than that. That's why you supervise very young children. Not eleven year olds who should know better. Stop making excuses for the boy.

I think you're doing the right thing stopping lifts. If you don't put your foot down hard it will only get worse.

It's really unfortunate when things like this happen. A friend of mine has been recently taking a friend's child to tutoring and got loads of mouth from him about her car being embarrassing and that his Mum wouldn't be seen dead in it etc. Really rude stuff. About the same age. His Mum wouldn't believe he'd act like that either. That's how they get away with it - absolute denial from home. It's a shame for the kid, really. He's going to end up learning a way harder lesson in the long run, all because Mummy couldn't handle telling him off.

No more lifts for the wee shite. Tell his parents why.

Try and get the bits back by being nice and then, whether you get them back or not, NO MORE LIFTS.

Anything else with this little shit would be insane.

Is little fuckwit any better?

Perfect!

YANBU. Tell her why you're stopping and ask her if she can return the black plastic bits to you, send her a photo of what they look like so she knows what she's looking for. Say something like you were prepared to overlook the food smears on the seats but the vandalism crossed the line for you. He is a little shit.

A friend of mine is the same about her kid - he is a little sh*t who lied to his class about passing the 11 plus (he hadn't) and she excused it to me saying 'he saw he'd passed one section and just meant that.' No he didn't! He gaslighted his whole class and told me that 'I passed but my mum doesn't want to send me to grammar school.' On another occasion, he wrote a poison pen letter to his next door neighbour's kid and managed to blame a bunch of other kids, including my son (none of whom actually knew the neighbour's kid involved), and his mum insisted he had nothing to do with it and he was off the hook again. (I punished my own son for his involvement btw as he should have stopped that letter being posted).

I guess there are mothers of men in prison still insisting that he's a good lad who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I think this is perfect advice. Don't continue lifts and don't explain unless friend asks. Saves an awkward conversation if she already knows son can be hard work and doesn't want to deal with it.

Dot Cotton

I’d pop round and talk to them both over Christmas in a jokey manner ‘Oi Jack I need those clips back for my van that you swiped, my curtains fall down with them. If you no longer have them, you need to order me some, call it my Christmas present! Also I’m imposing a new ‘no food rule in my van’. I love that van more than the kids and life itself, so I want perfect behaviour or you can all literally jog on.

Then at least you’ve said it and if he plays up again, you can tell him to walk next Thursday.

This is what I would do.
Let both the boy and his Mum know that he is on thin ice, give him one more chance to behave, and if he doesn’t then no more lifts. A cheery “I don’t have people in my lovely van who don’t behave properly “ end to any lift giving.

Good choice of name 🤣🤣🤣

If she’s a friend I’d speak to her about it. You haven’t actually given her the opportunity to do anything about it?

I think he doesn’t want a lift with you anymore and lacks the brains to deal with that in a mature way

Firstly, the lifts end now. You don't need to name call him to his mum (that will never end well) but tell her the facts and that unfortunately you can no longer give him lifts.

Honestly, it's sad that you might lose a friendship with a nice woman but on the other hand is any friendship worth such a lack of respect? I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from my nieces/nephews never mind some kid I met at an parent group.

I could almost guarantee as well that he's tormenting your DS in similar ways. Is sports the real reason your son stays away from him or is he just a good judge of character? If you don't stand up to him then your ds is going to struggle to and that could lead to real issues in future. Model the correct way to deal with this assertively.

Your son is 11 now. You needed to have made his needs and his friendship preferences a priority 10 years ago and you definitely need to now that he's older and trying to navigate his friendships independently

Just tell her that he took the bits and ask if he can return them. Then advise that due to the repeated damage to the vehicle, you are unable to take him any more.

Just tell her what he did and that therefore you won’t be giving him a lift any more. If she acts defensive you can just say, ‘I have no reason to lie to you about this; if it were me I’d address it with my child’ and leave it at that.

This is a horrible situation to be in when it involves a friend who won’t acknowledge or deal appropriately with their child’s wrongdoing.

I had a friend for years who I was incredibly close to, and who was lovely in every respect EXCEPT that she could never accept that her child had behaved inappropriately.

Over years, her daughter hurt mine repeatedly. Other people witnessed it, and other people’s children were also on the receiving end of some horrible, bullying behaviour. A number of us on a number of occasions tried to bring the issue to my friend, and she would become defensive, angry and deny everything, to the point of flipping the script and telling others it was their child, not hers.

Her daughter damaged things in our house, helped herself to my products and makeup (I started locking my bathroom door when she was in our house!), stained our new carpet. The final straw was a few months ago when she attempted to steal something which belongs to my daughter. I caught her in the act and told her to give it back which she did, straight away. She then rang her dad to come and collect her and told him a bunch of waffle in the car about being falsely accused etc.

Once again, my friend chose to believe her, asserted that myself and my daughter were lying, and the friendship has come to a very sad end. Others stopped bothering with them years ago, and we should probably have done the same.

I don’t envy your position. Ultimately your good nature is being taken advantage of and if had my time again, I wouldn’t put up with as much as I have.