To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

God he sounds a bit like a sociopath! I wouldn’t want my DS being friends with him.

You need to call in and catch them both together.

It'll show on Little Damien's (love this!) face if asked in front of his mother.

Unless he really is a budding psycho in the making. In which case you and your DS need as little contact as possible with him.

Oh, and if you decide to ask him for the bits back while he's in your van you need to have your phone recording first. Or fit a little cam in there somewhere.

He sounds like a nightmare - the typically over-indulged little angel who can do no wrong in his parents' eyes and will ultimately end up bringing a load of trouble to the door.

It seems from most other replies that a lot of people have encountered this type of kid before and a few have contributed with their own.

I would tell the mother that the lifts are stopping as her son has deliberately damaged your van & messes it up in spite of repeated requests to stop.
& that the plastic pieces (name?) he removed cost x & you want to be refunded.
(Print out the item
If she tries to deflect, you tell her he unstuck them then showed you the damage & pocketed the pieces.
Lifts are over... Too bad.

I wonder how he turned out like this 🤔

I think factual description and not giving lifts is the way forward.

If she has any sense she will give him a major bollocking and send him to grovel to you.

If not… no loss.

Once you’ve cooled down I’d just message explaining as non emotively as possible, because she’s unlikely to just accept you saying you can’t do it without an explanation why. Say
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to give ds a lift anymore. I’ve had a few issues with him ignoring basic requests around respecting my vehicle, but nothing serious enough to talk to you about, and something I felt I could manage myself. The other day though he removed some items from the van though which has caused some minor damage. He did show me he had them as I drove off so are you able to check if he still has them so I can fix the damage.” I feel like that evidences that you haven’t just jumped to saying you can’t take him but his behaviour has escalated.

"Hi, Friend. Damian took the end bits off the curtain runners in the van on Thursday. Can you ask him to give them back. Thanks. The curtain won't stay on without them."

Perfect

It is good advice but I thnk you should also ask her to get the black things back.

And I would definitely tell her about the deliberate smearing of food too - and tbh I really couldn't not say something about her being 'in a bit of denial about how he is.' But that probably would cause a 'froideur at the very least...

I'm afraid its a sign of bad parenting on her part. By letting him get away with things he will continue to behave like this, there's no deterrent.

100% tell her, me i'd be letting rip.

Lol at 'Damian'.

He is a little shit. Tell the mother and cut the rides off. Apology or not she needs to see that just because she doesn't understand actions have consequences the rest if the world does

Right? I couldn't agree more! Even suggesting that is nuts!

@SeasonsGreasons - if it was a genuine accident, why did the boy show the bits to @MidnightMidwinter, smirk at her, and pocket them? Surely he would either have hidden them (for fear of being told off) or handed them over and explained the accident.

Also, if it had just been one that 'came off by accident', I could understand that - but if one comes off accidentally, you don't go on fiddling with more of them so they all fall off too. Once may be an accident, but the second, third and fourth times look increasingly deliberate.

He's a little pshcitt.
Don't give this bratty boy a lift again.

i think if you call him a little shit to the mother she will not respond well. Approach it reasonably and ask her to help.

100% this. Don't waste your time talking to her without Damien there.

What does your son say about it. Surely he saw him take the things off the curtains and deliberately make a mess

Why the two extreme options? Theres a place between letting unacceptable behaviour go and a character assasination. If you go down the line of 'your DS is a shit' then obviously you're going to alienate your friend as its the first she will have heard from you that there are any issues. A factual account of what happened and request for return/replacement as suggested by pp is enough. If you want to make more of it, you could add that you don't allow eating in the van, and her DC seemed a bit put out by that, so could she please remind him, so you didn't have to telling him.

I would explain to her what has happened matter of factly and say that because of this you will not be offering a life to someone who is destructive of your property, if she defends hers son the way you say she does I would also being keeping a close eye on whether he takes it out on your child at school.

I agree with politely letting her know, with him there, what's been going on. This might be a eye-opening moment for her - you're obviously not making it up to get him into trouble, and it's such a pointlessly spiteful (spoiling someone's pride and joy) and irritating thing to do. Something that's going to cause him and her the inconvenience of finding a new lift. If he whines that they came off in his hands, you can say in a calm adult way, That's impossible, Damien, they're stuck on for a reason, to keep the curtains fixed. And I know you've got them because you showed them to me. Can I have them back please? [hard stare]

Call him out on his behaviour in front of his mum. She'll be morified. Don't loose a friendship over this.

What a little shit! I would definitely tell her and definitely not give him further lifts. When telling her, I would keep my language factual and non emotional. "Your son has repeatedly eaten and caused a mess in my van despite my asking him not to do so. He has removed parts from the interior, damaging it, showing the removed parts to me before taking them home with him. I do not wish my van to suffer any further damage, so I won't be giving him any further lifts. I'd also like the removed parts returned so that I can fix the vehicle. If he won't return them, I would like the cost of the replacement parts covered." No judgement on his character, just facts that speak for themselves.

Let her bring the emotion if she wants, ultimately not your problem. If she doesn't believe you, also not your problem (except I hope you can get replacement parts somehow or other!).

Unless there's more backstory here, I agree with this. OP has known this kid since he was tiny and I guess would have some view on whether he's been building up to creepy types of behaviour. His behaviour definitely needs checking, just not sure I'd escalate from the get go to the degree an 11 year old friendship was potentially at risk. If the kid lies and the mum takes his side or responds in a 'how dare you' sort of way, then that's another matter.

This is an absolutely perfect response, OP.

You have to tell her and I think potentially not have him in the van again.

5128gap- I assume OP isn't serious about calling him a little sh*t to his mum. She would just tell her what he's been doing and that it's not ok.

Tell her.

I remember doing it when ds was about 7 and his friend drew on my leather car seat. His mum said it must have been an accident but I could see she was mortified. I told her if my own son did it, I would have seriously punished him. She got the message alright.

And also tell her that if she gets numerous complaints from other people it’s not normal. The issue is her ds. Tell her your ds does not get complaints.

Hate destructive children touching my stuff. They and their parents can piss off as they are not good enough for my children or my home/car.

Seen it multiple times, parents defending them saying others are jealous or the problem lies with others … nope it’s your kid and it will blow up worse as they grow older…seen it, been vindicated.