Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

289 replies

MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 09:12

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 11/12/2023 10:29

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

Hello mum of little shit

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/12/2023 10:29

Imagine if he is really called Damien!!

Tracker1234 · 11/12/2023 10:34

Sister Michaels - what a daft response.

YouBelongWithMe · 11/12/2023 10:35

Damien 🤣

CheshireCat1 · 11/12/2023 10:35

If one of my children behaved like that I’d definitely want to know so that I could deal with it. You need to speak to his mum.

badger2005 · 11/12/2023 10:38

Kevin.

LongDarkTeatime · 11/12/2023 10:39

Please don’t use the label ADHD to excuse this behaviour. Hyperactivity (or reduced inhibitory control for any reason) does not cause you to smirk or stop you from apologising for going against someone’s wishes. It would be awful for those with ADHD to be labelled with this behaviour.
If this child does have extra needs it’s their parents responsibility to identify and meet them.

WowOK · 11/12/2023 10:39

I'd say..

Hi Sue,

I won't be giving Teddy a lift to school anymore moving forwards.

@MidnightMidwinter

He can think about his shit behaviour on his 45 daily bus journey. I might even wave when I pass.

PogoStickPrincess · 11/12/2023 10:40

Anyone defending the kid in this thread is part of the reason why 11-year-olds who 'innocently' do bad things become teenagers who are constantly in trouble and not fun to be around for other kids.

Be very firm and frank with his mother. He broke the pieces. He showed them to you, but didn't tell you where they had come from or why he had them, and didn't offer to give them back to you or apologise for breaking them off in the first place. He either learns to sit down and behave himself, or he no longer gets to enjoy the privilege of being in your vehicle.

If his mother argues, you just reiterate: it's not up for discussion, you're not having an unruly pre-teen who can't listen to simple instructions in your vehicle. She has two choices: ensure he complies with your simple instructions, or tell him he's getting the bus.

If she goes with the former, let her know the consequences for any further damage or mess, deliberate or otherwise, are that he has to get the bus until you receive a genuine and sincere apology from the child himself. And you don't have to accept any BS apologies; kids like this learn from their parents that the words are what matters and not the intention behind them, so it's probably about time that he figures out that drawling 'I'm sorry' while smirking isn't going to cut it.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/12/2023 10:41

You need to tell her what happened. She may have passed off other incidents as people trying to get her son into trouble, but if your friendship is as strong as you say, she won’t be able to dismiss what you say so easily. If she does, or she takes offence, I think you should maybe step back a bit from the friendship and have as little to do with her DS as possible because there sounds as though there are problems, both with his behaviour, and with her ability to discipline and set boundaries for him. The problem will get worse if she doesn’t take ownership of it as a parent so yes, I’d say something but keep it factual and calm.

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:44

LongDarkTeatime · 11/12/2023 10:39

Please don’t use the label ADHD to excuse this behaviour. Hyperactivity (or reduced inhibitory control for any reason) does not cause you to smirk or stop you from apologising for going against someone’s wishes. It would be awful for those with ADHD to be labelled with this behaviour.
If this child does have extra needs it’s their parents responsibility to identify and meet them.

Hang on a minute, your the first person to mention ADHD on this thread!

Rosscameasdoody · 11/12/2023 10:44

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

Are you his mum ?

SallyWD · 11/12/2023 10:46

You have to tell her when you explain why you won't be giving him lifts. I would really want to know if this was my child.
I wonder why he does it. Pushing boundaries, attention seaking, doesn't like you? Weird behaviour!

PieAndLattes · 11/12/2023 10:46

I’d message the mum and say, ‘Mavis, can you tell Arnold to return the plastic stops for my camper van blinds? He removed them on Thursday and showed them to me as he got out of the van but I didn’t realise what they were until the curtains fell down on Friday morning. While you’re at it, let him know that he is not to be eating in the van. He doesn’t listen to a word I say but hopefully he’ll listen to you. He’s on his last legs and if there’s any more of his nonsense he can walk to school. You must have the patience of a saint’.

Yalta · 11/12/2023 10:47

Get him to do the repair

I think asking him to hand the things back is too easy. He took them off so now he needs to put them back

I would be careful at doing anything too drastic as your ds still has to meet him at the bus stop 3 days per week.

SabbatWheel · 11/12/2023 10:49

I think you need to at least give his mum the facts calmly, ask for the rings back / some money towards replacing them, tell her that he has one last chance of a lift but needs to behave himself or it will end.

Don’t be so wet in the van if he plays up. Last chance for me would mean ‘Damian I told you not to do that, I’m taking you back home and I won’t be giving you a lift any more.’ and do it!

TreesWelliesKnees · 11/12/2023 10:50

ButterCupPie · 11/12/2023 09:40

What, they deliberately do stupid things to other people's property just so someone will say 'don't do that'?

Show quote history

They're crying out for their parents to contain them and make them feel safe. All behaviour is communication. So yes, this is exactly the sort of thing they do. I feel bad for him.

OP, I would ask the boy for the bits back in front of the mother. Whether he has binned them isn't the point. She needs to see how he responds. If you ever did give him a lift again he could be made to put all bags in the back and sit next to you in the front. Though I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. What a horrible situation for you - it's you that is having to pay the price, with your van and your friendship.

Yalta · 11/12/2023 10:50

He might well have binned them so then he needs to get some more

Maybe he will think next time before ping something if he knows he has to put things right.

I would also keep tissues, wipes and a Hoover in the cab and every time he makes a mess then he cleans it up. I would stop an awkward distance before you drop him off so he can clean his mess up.

SabbatWheel · 11/12/2023 10:50

DD had a few friends where we had the ‘We don’t do that in this house’ conversation (fridge raiding, splatting food and kicking a ball around inside are three that come to mind.)

Eddielizzard · 11/12/2023 10:51

I would absolutely stop the lifts. He knew how much you love your van, yet he deliberately vandalised it. I would give him one last lift, drop your DS at home, and then quietly tell him you know he vandalised your van and you want the stoppers back that he showed you he took.

He'll deny / obfuscate / whatever. I'd say, we both know what's happened. I'm not saying anything to your mum, but you will not set foot in my van again.

Then get CCTV outside your house because I wouldn't put anything past this kid.

Say nothing to the mum as you know that's the end of a long friendship, just that the lifts are no longer convenient, so sorry.

LongDarkTeatime · 11/12/2023 10:52

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:44

Hang on a minute, your the first person to mention ADHD on this thread!

Show quote history

You’re right, my mistake. With references of kids being fidgety as a reason and the use (or not) of fidget spinners (which are designed to help with symptoms of ND) I assumed some were moving towards ADHD. It was an assumption too far 🙏🏼

Haydenn · 11/12/2023 10:53

Just tell his mum it’s no longer convenient to give him lifts and move on. She can keep thinking he’s a little angel, but he’ll understand that shit behaviour generates shit consequences.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2023 10:54

Spot the two 'boys will be boys' parents on this thread.

Yanbu op, there are lots of behaviours in children that can be attributed to a reason (bullied at home, special needs, anxiety etc) but this isn't any of those. It's spiteful and nasty.

ManateeFair · 11/12/2023 10:55

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:00

Well first of all, not all 11 year olds are created equal, some are more mature than others. Some can sit still on a 45 minute journey, others are more lively and will get bored and restless. I would suggest your friend's DS is the lively type, hence the sport playing in his break times, and wanting to eat his lunch in the car to pass the time. And kids fiddle with things when restless, and may unintentionally break things in doing so. I have a 9 year old who does that a lot. I find it's a good idea to give them something to occupy them if they're fidgety.

But you seem to know the kid well, so you know more about his personality than I do. Maybe he is just a spiteful child.

Good grief. He's not a fucking toddler and it's not the OP's place to deal with rude and destructive behaviour, regardless of whether it's down to being 'less mature' than other kids. He isn't her child; he is her friend's child and she was doing him a favour by giving him a lift to school. If he can't manage a car journey to school without causing damage and mess and being rude when asked to stop, his mother needs to deal with that.

The fact that you describe this behaviour as 'lively', and suggest that the OP should be providing him with things to fidget with to stop him wrecking the curtains in her van, is exactly the attitude that his mother has and that is why this kid gets away with being a nasty piece of work.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 11/12/2023 10:55

Say no more lifts. Actions have consequences and it is important for children to learn that with the small things, before they move on to actions that cause others harm or have a much larger cost.