To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

I wouldn't be offering anyone a lift in my car that huffed and puffed at me, and certainly not someone who would purposely cause damage out of spite. He's not a toddler accidentally making a mess or pulling a curtain, he's 11 years old. Your kids are not even friends anymore. While I wouldn't go in hard and call him a shit (although he is), I'd certainly be absolutely truthful. He wouldn't be setting foot in my car again -he doesn't give a shit what you say and is clearly not worried about the consequences of damaging your property and actually showing it to you. Fuck that.
Good luck!

Stand firm with your boundaries op. Don't let the other mum guilt trip you into thinking it was just an accident. Don't let an 11 year old make the rules.

@SnowSwan
Damian 😆

In a few short years he'll be on Crimewatch

I'd be bloody fuming! I'd definitely tell her and ask for them back. Just give her the facts, not emotionally charged. It's up to her then how she reacts.

I really think you need to give your head a wobble.

Agree. With his mum in a clip saying 'he's a lovely lad really, heart of gold. He's just misunderstood'.

I would tell the parents you think he has the clips. See what happens.

11 yrs old and to be acting like that? He can find his own way to school.

I am guessing your DS will also be mightily relieved if you stop giving lifts to this boy. I find with my teenage DS car rides are the best (only) times for having any half decent conversations. Make the most of that time with your DS and stop the lifts straight away. x

I did wonder 😂😂

I like this response. You're letting the mum know he's a pain in the arse so she can address it, or not. If she won't - then go ahead and tell her you won't be giving him a lift as he can't be trusted to not destroy your van.

I would give him one last chance with the curtain stoppers (by which I mean if he doesn't still have them - which I doubt he would) I would replace without issue so long as I got an apology. If not, I'd be letting both of them know how upset I was.

I am going through something similar. DD and her close friend are drifting apart and her friend is a nightmare! But the mum became a close friend but now our friendship is drifting too because the main thing we had in common were the children and I really don’t enjoy being around her DD - neither does any of the other children!

My case is different as this isn’t a long term friend but I would find a way to tell your friend politely and just mention it.

I find parents are so precious about their children these days. When I was younger adults would openly share their concerns and other parents would listen. Being a parent in todays age, I had had parents tell me about my DD misbehaving and I see it as an opportunity to do some character building whilst many become so offended and end up with spoilt children.

I hope you are able to have some form of conversation x

It really sounds like your friend is a permissive parent and her son is looking for limits she isn't providing.

She might make it a "huge issue" if you stop giving rides, but if you give in, that lets the kid kick the can down the road until he comes up against the next set of limits he wants to push. So no, don't feel bad at all. If I were the kid's mum I'd have him in your van vaccuming the carpet and doing what else he could to put things right.

I'd have stopped the lifts by now because of the food mess.

I'd ask for the bits back & then stop the lifts.

Or Prime Minister's Question Time . . .

My friend has a DS I can see ending up like this.

Mummy’s little soldier can do no wrong… other friends are already avoiding meet-ups due to this!

Be factual, tell her he took the plastic off and ask for it back. After that, stop giving him a lift. You don't get anything out of it.

I wonder if the people thinking that eleven year olds aren't responsible for their actions have spoken up when ten-year-old are considered criminally responsible

He sounds like a brat, tbh (though the last time I used that word on MN it was met with shock and dismay). I would never tell her that, of course, but I'd limit time spent in his presence. The fact that his mother moans to you about all the other people who have taken an irrational dislike to her little angel is proof enough that he's not an easy child to get on with.

YANBU to put an end to this arrangement.

Tell his mum, ask her to replace the parts, stop giving lifts.

Yes, I get that he’s a pain in the arse but I don’t understand why he’s continuing with poor behaviour, if you’ve already pulled him up on it?

I once gave a lift to 3 lads (plus my DS) to an after school event and the oldest lad (by 3yrs) was showing off and swearing. I gave him a quick verbal bollocking to shut him up and he was fine after that. He realised I wasn’t someone to be messed with.

“Say that one more time and I’ll be dumping your sorry arse on the side of the road and will drive off without you”, whilst glaring hard at him.

A gentle “please don’t do that” invites them to piss about, in my experience.

Sorry if this has already been asked, but is he eating his lunch on the way home because he doesn’t eat it at school at lunchtime, due to playing football?

It’s not usual to eat lunch on the way home!

Yes you should tell her. Parents need to be put on the spot and held more accountable for their offsprings' behaviour. Why continually give this family a pass for its abhorrent actions?

Tell her you'd appreciate replacement cost for the curtain things, too. And that you no longer will provide transport because he's trashed the interior of your van.

Post of the day for me 😂