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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

258 replies

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:06

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

OP posts:
TreesWelliesKnees · 10/12/2023 18:21

I totally agree. And the reason they haven't caught up is because it suits them better not to.

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2023 18:22

TreesWelliesKnees · 10/12/2023 18:14

I haven't read all 8 pages but did she raise four boys all by herself? If so, she deserves a fucking medal for getting them to adulthood in one piece. That is serious parenting. I'm surprised any cleaning happened at all! Your DH is a grown man and is going to have to learn to fill in his own gaps in his adult functioning. Unless there's some massive backstory then don't blame the mother. If you're about to become a mother yourself, pay attention to your own socialisation as a woman. You're about to enter the club that is blamed for all of society's ills. If you don't wise up you'll realise in about 20 years when you are run ragged that your mil was not to blame, and it will be too late.

Hear hear! I raised one boy as a single parent and it nearly broke me. Four is heroism on a major scale.

evryevrytime · 10/12/2023 19:12

It's so depressing to see you blaming another woman for your DH's failings. He is a grown adult who makes choices and controls his actions. It is literally nothing to do with his MIL cleaning up after him decades ago.

C152 · 10/12/2023 19:19

I get it, as my ex-MIL was the same. But I voted YABU because your partner is now an adult. Whilst parents don't get everything right, at some point, one has to stop blaming them and take personal responsibility.

BingoWings85 · 10/12/2023 20:06

My DH is like this. It’s obviously partly his fault as he’s an adult man but I think it’s in large part to do with having a mother who has spent the last 40 years doing more or less nothing except racing round tidying up after her sons and husband.

She even clears their plates off the table from in front of them while they stay seated. They don’t even PASS them to her.

hihihihihihihihihihi · 10/12/2023 20:08

Your DP needs to take responsibility for his failings as an adult, the blame isn't always it's someone else.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2023 20:13

I raised my DS now 40 to cook, clean, iron and keep the place tidy. I was a single mum and drilled into him the importance of keeping his home environment clean and tidy as he lives there too. DIL recently told me he doesn't pull his weight round the house and I was absolutely livid. I wanted to give him a good talking too but she begged me not to rock the boat. I'm still livid. I did not raise him to behave like this. I think men are just entitled. I dont know where they get it from.

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 20:16

@LapinR0se "He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic."

No he isn't. He chooses not to do anything domestic.

waytooearlyforthis · 10/12/2023 20:20

TreesWelliesKnees · 10/12/2023 18:14

I haven't read all 8 pages but did she raise four boys all by herself? If so, she deserves a fucking medal for getting them to adulthood in one piece. That is serious parenting. I'm surprised any cleaning happened at all! Your DH is a grown man and is going to have to learn to fill in his own gaps in his adult functioning. Unless there's some massive backstory then don't blame the mother. If you're about to become a mother yourself, pay attention to your own socialisation as a woman. You're about to enter the club that is blamed for all of society's ills. If you don't wise up you'll realise in about 20 years when you are run ragged that your mil was not to blame, and it will be too late.

Agreed

IhaveanewTVnow · 10/12/2023 20:39

I’ve spent weeks away in mobile homes/ lodges with other mums and their kids. So usually 6 of us, 2 mums, 4 kids. What I’ve found is we help each other. So one will be getting the breakfast out and putting it on the table whilst the other mum offers to make the pack lunches, then one will wash up and the other will today up and start getting the bags together. We often say that if a dad was here too he would take his coffee and have to watch the news, or catch on the football scores etc. he would help but need to be told. With mums we just get on and do it. It’s entitlement. There is also an element that we let them do it. How many times on MN do we read”oh he works very long hours so can’t help with kids, baths etc”. Yet women manage. We have full time jobs too. We take the work home and do it later, we don’t do the social networking so much when we work and have kids etc etc. it’s just accepted.

Simonjt · 10/12/2023 20:42

LapinR0se · 10/12/2023 17:06

My husband was raised with a daily cleaner at home and then went to a boarding school where absolutely everything was done for him. He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic.
Having said that, he has incredibly high standards due to having been raised “with staff” and so moans on about the house being untidy. I work full time and it drives me MENTAL

OP, I too blame my mother in law.

My husband was also a boarder and had staff at home, he isn’t however a lazy, moaning prick.

laclochette · 10/12/2023 20:52

Honestly, I never had to do any chores growing up (I was expected to tidy up after myself etc but never had actual chores) and I still managed to become an extremely tidy and clean person. Children learn more by mirroring than they do by direct verbal instruction, and mirroring also happens based on gender identification, ie girls mirror what women around them do, boys learn by mirroring men - IN THE MAIN. There are exceptions and nuances of course. So it's a very complicated picture. We also learn not just from what we see at home but what we see in wider society, in the media, etc etc.

All these lessons, however, can be overridden and overcome with intent and will. So I suggest directing your practical rage towards your DH's lack of these things on this issue, rather than his mother. (I'll join you on fuming against the sexism of society and the lessons it teaches mind you!) Not least because it's the only way things are going to change, unless you have a time machine.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 10/12/2023 21:17

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2023 17:42

Not when it comes to Mils.

Show quote history

I see so many women are irrational about and unfair towards their MILs. And that is not the fault of men. Progress.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 10/12/2023 21:20

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2023 20:13

I raised my DS now 40 to cook, clean, iron and keep the place tidy. I was a single mum and drilled into him the importance of keeping his home environment clean and tidy as he lives there too. DIL recently told me he doesn't pull his weight round the house and I was absolutely livid. I wanted to give him a good talking too but she begged me not to rock the boat. I'm still livid. I did not raise him to behave like this. I think men are just entitled. I dont know where they get it from.

Wow. This is the identical problem the OP has identified and you have conclusively shown that in your case it is the fault of a man and to sign off you conclude with a generalised criticism of all men.
What a great solution to a thread that at one point was threatening to turn into misogynistic criticism of women.

BoredofBlonde · 10/12/2023 21:59

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:37

@BoredofBlonde I wasn't trying to be tongue o cheek I'm just not explaining myself very well it seems.

I will try again.

For the last 30 years (just based on our friendship group experiences) we've all worked, been independent without men and gone on to have kids and marriages.

From what we were talking about it seems like women younger than us and the same age of around 40 ish, we have all expected men to pull their weight with everything.

The men don't seem to have caught up with the everyday stuff so whilst we are working full time and doing the everyday admin that comes with life, the men (in general not all of them) are still not always being made to learn about pulling their weight in the admin area. They are not yet massively affected by women being more independent. We are still picking up some of the slack.

A lot of the chat we had was, yes we input equally financially these days, they are behind learning what we women just do to sort family life out. It's still falling to women mainly.

Basically women have moved on into equality and expect it these days and men are struggling to meet us there. Because they haven't moved on to the new normal as quick as we have.

I hope that's explained it better.

I appreciate you explaining a bit more.

I still don't understand why any career oriented, modern woman would use the words "no one has actually prepared the men for this.
They are largely still catching up with the new normal" as though men NEED some preparing - by WHO? Women?? Why? We are all equal, why are men such poor little mites they need help?

Women don't need (or have the luxury) to be prepared, we just get on with it.

BluebellsForest · 10/12/2023 22:24

Absolutely, @BoredofBlonde.

Blueink · 11/12/2023 17:41

Yes, just as childish to blame his DM for his slovenly attitude, he’s an adult and on him if he’s not pulling his weight

Whathappenedtomyvag · 11/12/2023 18:13

I despair when a man is being an arse, and we still look for a woman to blame. Women, we are our own worst enemies.

OhcantthInkofaname · 11/12/2023 18:17

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

It started because your DP is a lazy arse.

NoTouch · 11/12/2023 18:24

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

What happened before he moved in with you is completely irrelevant.

Your acceptance of his lack of respect for your home and you is the issue.

Darlingx · 11/12/2023 18:51

My partner is domestically inept Thanks to his mum running after him and putting him on a pedestal. My brother is the same never had to do a single domestic chore went to prep school private school snd had a cleaner at Uni whilst my sister and I were working as cleaners whilst doing degrees . Only guy I met who was houseproud was a complete womaniser it seems I can’t escape this dynamic . I cannot afford to live on my own my partner earns more our rent has doubled. Its more expensive being a woman . Haircuts etc all priced higher . Every guy I dated had a cleaner basically its all outsourced to a woman somewhere down the line and yes it makes me furious the only way to win is to become a domestic slob and not see the mess and dirt it seems or outsource it to another woman ☹️

brentwoods · 11/12/2023 18:57

Teefndrama · 10/12/2023 14:18

I read that you only moved in together after 6 years but how did you not get a little sense of how bad he is if he's that bad? Did you not go to his place? Was it always tidy and if so how? Didn't he ever cook for you? Were his clothes washed and tidy and if so how? Surely you get a feel for your partner before you move in together?

Indeed. You picked him and chose to create a child with him. And you're blaming his mother? Ridiculous.

Keeper11 · 11/12/2023 19:31

Are you so super confident that you will teach your child to be a perfect partner, that you just know your future daughter/son in law is going to simply adore you?

Mememe9898 · 11/12/2023 21:32

To blame the MIL for your husbands failings is ridiculous.
My mum didn’t get me to do any cooking and tidying up as a kid and now I’m very tidy and constantly cleaning. He can change if he wants to.
Its not your MIL fault plus one day when you have your own kids you might realise it’s not that easy getting them to do what you want esp that you said she was a single mum. We were all the perfect parent before we had kids 🙄

Goodluckanddontfitup · 11/12/2023 21:34

Another unnecessary MIL bashing post.