Page 8 | To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 17:33

LapinR0se · 10/12/2023 17:06

My husband was raised with a daily cleaner at home and then went to a boarding school where absolutely everything was done for him. He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic.
Having said that, he has incredibly high standards due to having been raised “with staff” and so moans on about the house being untidy. I work full time and it drives me MENTAL

OP, I too blame my mother in law.

He’s not incapable, he’s just choosing not to learn how switch on a dishwasher or the like… it’s a choice he’s making

ThomasinaLivesHere · 10/12/2023 17:33

I do think parents should get children to do chores etc as they’re good habits and life skills when they leave. I was so untidy and found it hard when I first left home as I’d never used a hoover or done any basic cleaning or tidying. I think my mum had to do lots of chores so went the opposite way with her children. However it’s totally my responsibility now to be tidy so I think it’s unfair to blame MIL now. People can change.

BluebellsForest · 10/12/2023 17:36

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

That's in the past so you can do nothing about it. All you can do is finish it. If he hasn't changed after six years with you, then he's not going to. So will he get to pass similar patterns on to your child?

I think focusing on MIL is a distraction from the situation you are now in. Presumably pregnant by this man by choice?

InefficientProcess · 10/12/2023 17:36

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 17:33

He’s not incapable, he’s just choosing not to learn how switch on a dishwasher or the like… it’s a choice he’s making

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It’s definitely a choice.

He can do all of these things. If he doesn’t know how, someone one YouTube will walk him through the steps.

He would rather a woman did it for him.

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:37

@BoredofBlonde I wasn't trying to be tongue o cheek I'm just not explaining myself very well it seems.

I will try again.

For the last 30 years (just based on our friendship group experiences) we've all worked, been independent without men and gone on to have kids and marriages.

From what we were talking about it seems like women younger than us and the same age of around 40 ish, we have all expected men to pull their weight with everything.

The men don't seem to have caught up with the everyday stuff so whilst we are working full time and doing the everyday admin that comes with life, the men (in general not all of them) are still not always being made to learn about pulling their weight in the admin area. They are not yet massively affected by women being more independent. We are still picking up some of the slack.

A lot of the chat we had was, yes we input equally financially these days, they are behind learning what we women just do to sort family life out. It's still falling to women mainly.

Basically women have moved on into equality and expect it these days and men are struggling to meet us there. Because they haven't moved on to the new normal as quick as we have.

I hope that's explained it better.

Newhere5 · 10/12/2023 17:37

Are you me? 😂
Thanks for making me feel not so alone

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 10/12/2023 17:40

MissyB1 · 10/12/2023 14:25

yet another thing to beat us women with - if our son's are useless at housework as adults then it must be our fault, after all everything usually is.....

So you say, but can you name something that women should be blamed for?

The vast majority of gendered criticism on MN is about men not women.

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:42

They are not needing prep they need to just get on with it. It's not hard.

But they are still leaving it to us when they can is what I mean

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2023 17:42

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 10/12/2023 17:40

So you say, but can you name something that women should be blamed for?

The vast majority of gendered criticism on MN is about men not women.

Show quote history

Not when it comes to Mils.

BluebellsForest · 10/12/2023 17:43

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

The thought of a you all complaining about the behavioural choices of three adult men to their mother is cringe.

These guys may have been let off chores as kids, but they've grown up in the 21st century ffs. Give them some agency over their adult choices to be lazy pricks.

MissyB1 · 10/12/2023 17:45

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 10/12/2023 17:40

So you say, but can you name something that women should be blamed for?

The vast majority of gendered criticism on MN is about men not women.

Show quote history

Here’s one, when women are suffering from relationship abuse people often say “yes but you married him/moved in with him” as though that means she somehow deserved it.

Oh and When he’s a useless father “well you chose to have kids with him”

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:46

@RantyAnty no one prepped us we just do because we can and it needs to be done.

A little if men will still be like oh what should I do to "help" you clean etc.

I know what I meant I just meant a lot of them still expect all this and we as women have changed massively in how we live our lives.

They haven't.

You still get a lot of men expecting their wives to sort a lot of the home stuff because that's what their mums have done.

It's not the case anymore

Pallisers · 10/12/2023 17:48

LapinR0se · 10/12/2023 17:06

My husband was raised with a daily cleaner at home and then went to a boarding school where absolutely everything was done for him. He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic.
Having said that, he has incredibly high standards due to having been raised “with staff” and so moans on about the house being untidy. I work full time and it drives me MENTAL

OP, I too blame my mother in law.

He is not incapable. He simply thinks is it menial work that a woman should do. I'll bet a lot that the daily cleaner at home and the cleaners at boarding school were all women. your husband is completely capable of doing housework. He just thinks he is better than that and you are not.

It is amazing how many things adults are expected to be able to learn as an adult - driving, riding a horse, programming a computer, cooking a meal, all of the stuff we learn for our jobs. And yet apparently housework is the one thing that if a man doesn't learn it from his mummy then he is doomed to be incapable forevermore.

waytooearlyforthis · 10/12/2023 17:48

FuckingHellAdele · 10/12/2023 14:16

There is literally nothing that women can't get blamed for.

Agreed

TrixieFatell · 10/12/2023 17:49

Out of my three, two are very tidy (girl and boy) one is messy (girl). Me and my sister are poles apart when it comes to tidyness. I think you are either a tidy person or you are not.

PlimplePlop · 10/12/2023 17:50

Seedsout · 10/12/2023 14:33

This can’t be real?! You blaming his mum is as bad as him being a lazy fucker

This

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:51

I think prepare was the wrong word. I mean all kids these days should know how to turn a washing machine on and understand about housework and bills and house admin etc.

You get so many threads saying my DH doesn't know how or doesn't pull his weight etc and it's usually because it's always been done for them. Or it's been done for their dads in the past. It's not the same these days

KatBurglar · 10/12/2023 17:54

Your independent, adult DP is responsible for his own household skills, not his mother.

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 17:55

@InefficientProcess "the bar for men is so low, and still people trip over themselves trying to excuse men for not reaching it"

And men are surprised and outraged and blame women when they bash their heads on it!

IhaveanewTVnow · 10/12/2023 17:55

As a child I refused to help in the garden. Saw it as my parents role. I now have a garden and I cut the grass, sweep the leaves etc. no one taught me. It’s just a domestic job that has to be done.
It doesn’t require any skills at my level. Just like housework. There are no skills. I wasn’t born able to wipe the surfaces down. It’s just something that all adults should be able to do? Really worrying that there are men that can put a dishwasher on? Really ? Are these men managing companies, driving fork lift trucks, stacking shelves, etc etc but can’t turn a dishwasher on??? Just incredible? Women’s fault? Schools fault? Or perhaps they just can’t be arsed.

Elfontheshmelf · 10/12/2023 18:03

My in laws are lovely but thier house is grim and my dh was also not encouraged to clean and tidy up after himself. My parents by contrast were very house proud. When me and dh moved in together at a young age, our standards were very different and it caused arguments. He thought I was insane but soon learnt that if the house was tidy I'd be in a much better mood and if he left things for me to pick up it would annoy me. His standards have slowly raised over time and he can see how awful his parents house is, which he genuinely couldn't see growing up.

So I guess my point is that how you are raised absolutely has a bearing on how clean and tidy you will be as an adult (in my experience), but it's not necessarily a mother-son thing. More a parent-child thing.

TheHateIsNotGood · 10/12/2023 18:11

YANBU - whilst having to make various allowances over the years due to ds's autism I am fearfully aware that whilst I'd like nothing more than for ds to form a relationship, if he's a 'man-child' in terms of household chores then not only is that unhelpful but if I ended relationships over it I can hardly expect anyone to put up with it from ds.

I'm actively training him now.

TreesWelliesKnees · 10/12/2023 18:14

I haven't read all 8 pages but did she raise four boys all by herself? If so, she deserves a fucking medal for getting them to adulthood in one piece. That is serious parenting. I'm surprised any cleaning happened at all! Your DH is a grown man and is going to have to learn to fill in his own gaps in his adult functioning. Unless there's some massive backstory then don't blame the mother. If you're about to become a mother yourself, pay attention to your own socialisation as a woman. You're about to enter the club that is blamed for all of society's ills. If you don't wise up you'll realise in about 20 years when you are run ragged that your mil was not to blame, and it will be too late.

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 18:19

@Achildbelongstoitsmother "So you say, but can you name something that women should be blamed for?"

Women can be blamed for many things. Just not the behaviour and emotions of other people.

NeedToChangeName · 10/12/2023 18:21

LapinR0se · 10/12/2023 17:06

My husband was raised with a daily cleaner at home and then went to a boarding school where absolutely everything was done for him. He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic.
Having said that, he has incredibly high standards due to having been raised “with staff” and so moans on about the house being untidy. I work full time and it drives me MENTAL

OP, I too blame my mother in law.

@LapinR0se your DH isn't incapable. Just chooses not to do it. No great skils required to dust, hoover, clean the bathroom etc. He thinks it's beneath him