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Original poster

To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

258 replies

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:06

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

OP posts:
BoredofBlonde · 10/12/2023 16:47

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 16:16

I've been with some old friends this weekend and we deduced that whilst we are all strong women and can see that women are moving in the right direction these days, independence without men, careers etc, it has happened quickly, no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal.

Please explain what you earth you mean by this?

Is your tongue in your cheek when you say "no one has prepared the men for this"? Please tell me it is...

PikachuLightning · 10/12/2023 16:47

Yabu

We are not destined to become carbon copies of our parents. For example I have an abusive mother but I’m not an abusive mother myself.

Your partner chooses to be untidy. If he was an adult who cared about you then he would do housework and make an effort. Your choice is to suck it up and accept that you are part of the problem because you tolerate him being like a child or you tell him to grow up and learn to do some adult stuff like housework.

He is a grown man who probably saw his father treat his mother like a domestic slave and sees that as your function too as you are female.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 16:48

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 16:16

I've been with some old friends this weekend and we deduced that whilst we are all strong women and can see that women are moving in the right direction these days, independence without men, careers etc, it has happened quickly, no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal.

Who prepared all the women?

Who is supposed to prepare all the men?

Women with careers and independence didn't just suddenly happen. It's been going on at least 50 years.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 10/12/2023 16:51

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law

You clearly think that kids do exactly what their parents tell them to do. I hate to tell you this (I assume your kids are quite young) but they don't.

My DH did nothing around the house but is very domesticated. Oddly enough, when he didn't have anyone to do it for him, he did it.

My parents didn't make me do much (because I was lazy and wouldn't do it). Oddly enough, I too found that I can do things because I have to (although no doubt I wouldn't remotely reach your high domestic standards).

Your DP is lazy because he is lazy. Nothing to do with your MIL (I assume there is no father in law to blame or are you just being sexist?)

LylaLee · 10/12/2023 16:52

Duckingella · 10/12/2023 15:26

My MIL never made DH lift a finger;she literally waited on him hand and foot;she'd prepped all of his food and put it on a tray and would come trotting through with it like a butler.

She'd put his socks and pants out for him in the airing cupboard each morning and would clean and tidy his room for him daily once he went out.

She'd do all of his laundry right down to putting it away in his room for him.

My FIL was in the picture and he'd try to do housework but my MIL wouldn't let him and insisted he do "blue jobs" such as gardening and DIY instead.FIL would try to get DH to do chores but MIL would let him get out of doing them which undermined my FIL.

And when DH and I lived together she would do the whole "My poor son works so hard he shouldn't have to be bothered by housework etc" routine.

We've lived together 21 years and honestly I tried til I'm blue in the face but he will not do housework;I refuse to do his laundry though;he of course uses weaponised incompetence and does stuff like living baskets of his wet washing all over the kitchen so they are in the way or leaving his wet laundry in the dryer so someone else is forced to dry his laundry so they can use the dryer.

Plastic bag of his wet clothes. Dry your own.

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 16:52

@BoredofBlonde
"no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal."

Oh ffs. I have no words.

PikachuLightning · 10/12/2023 16:54

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law

This works to a certain extent. For example my teen/young adult kids iron their own clothes and don’t moan about it because they get the advantage of looking good when they go out. They benefit directly from the effort put into that job too.

PikachuLightning · 10/12/2023 16:57

no one has actually prepared the men for this.
What preparation do men need? Modern appliances like dishwashers and washing machines make household jobs very simple.
Who prepares the women and why wouldn’t a man think like a woman and say “ I’m hungry so I’m going to cook” or “I have work tomorrow so will wash my uniform” Women aren’t born with the ability to cook and clean. Women do it because they are adults and have to.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/12/2023 16:58

He's been old enough to know better for a long time now, blame him.

aramox1 · 10/12/2023 17:04

His dad?

LapinR0se · 10/12/2023 17:06

My husband was raised with a daily cleaner at home and then went to a boarding school where absolutely everything was done for him. He is utterly incapable of doing anything domestic.
Having said that, he has incredibly high standards due to having been raised “with staff” and so moans on about the house being untidy. I work full time and it drives me MENTAL

OP, I too blame my mother in law.

PastelHouses · 10/12/2023 17:07

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

spanieleyes · 10/12/2023 17:09

I have two sons, one is a neat freak and the other a slob! Both were brought up entirely the same way!

crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 17:19

Why blame MIL he is an adult, he can change?

MintJulia · 10/12/2023 17:20

I've spent the last 12 years teaching my ds to put his dirty washing in the laundry basket, to hang his clothes and towels up, to put dirty cups and plates in the dishwasher and so on, but if I'm absent for a couple of days I come back to a smelly damp floordrobe and used crockery everywhere.

Anyone blaming me for his laziness would get pretty short shrift

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2023 17:24

Ironically you haven't managed to get him to clean up for himself either. And he's an adult now. Doesn't sound like mil holds you accountable for that tho.

InefficientProcess · 10/12/2023 17:27

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 16:52

@BoredofBlonde
"no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal."

Oh ffs. I have no words.

It’s pathetic isn’t it?

the bar for men is so low, and still people trip over themselves trying to excuse men for not reaching it.

These men are choosing not to catch up. They want a live in housekeeper with benefits.

InefficientProcess · 10/12/2023 17:27

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Lots of people - including lots of people who practice gentle parenting - mistake it for permissive parenting.

laveritable · 10/12/2023 17:27

YBVU. Take your frustration out of your adult DP! Parenting is NOT cut and dry: do you feel same way about FIL ; why lay sole blame on his mum?

thelonemommabear · 10/12/2023 17:28

To be honest OP I also put my ex husbands negative traits squarely at his parents door too. Lived at home until 30 - useless with money as had zero financial responsibility until that point, no ambition because he worked with his dad and he bought all the work in, untidy....the list goes on. He's also an only child and stereotypically so - hated sharing his time, money, space and very selfish.

I'm going my best to raise our children in a completely different environment so that my future DILs and SILS don't have to put up with that shit

JanefromLondon1 · 10/12/2023 17:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 17:30

Eh? These are things you learn by doing just once 🤣 they don’t need to be trained into doing it 🤣 Jesus Christ 🤷‍♀️

randomuser2020 · 10/12/2023 17:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

bonzaitree · 10/12/2023 17:31

This thread really highlights how patriarchy impacts families, relationships and attitudes.

She didn’t give her boys tricky tasks and teach them about household management.

That combined with societies messaging has left you in a difficult relationship where you’re working over the odds.

And now rather than blaming the man you’re blaming her.

All seeped in patriarchy.

BungleandGeorge · 10/12/2023 17:32

He’s an adult now, it’s on you. Many of us do loads of household jobs that we didn’t do whilst children. Perhaps he’s just not that bothered? Perhaps he doesn’t have to because you’ll do it for him. If you’ve chosen to be with him it’s totally on you. I’m not sure why you’d think it’s easier for the MIL to train 4 teen boys to do household jobs when you can’t do it with 1 adult man who has chosen you as their significant other!

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