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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying a house with bf AIBU?

275 replies

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:37

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 16:57

When he's been showing me houses he will pull up right move and be like "what do you think of this house"

"We can only get something like this if we both put together"

He definitely needs my part of the deposit and I guess contribution towards the mortgage/bills to be able to afford the kind of house that he wants... is the impression I get.

Don't get me wrong I'd love a nicer house in a better area, who wouldn't? But I'm also perfectly happy where I am, I've done a lot of work to my house since I've had it and I do love it.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 10/12/2023 16:57

if he wants that equity then he pays 70% of the mortgage and you 30%. As he earns more he also pays a higher percentage of t( bills, not 50/50

if he doesn’t agree to that I would not be moving in with him and would be rethinking the relationship

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 16:58

@Parker231 it's never occurred to me to ask him for a proportionate contribution towards nursery.

I suppose I kinda see it as half my child half his, we pay half?

If I bought this up I suspect he would say that my earnings are my problem and I need to earn more, get a better job etc

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 10/12/2023 17:06

Wary
Uncomfortable
Risky
Unfair
Business arrangement
Worried
Cold
Transactional
Begrudgingly pays for childcare

OP, the above is a list of words used in your posts to describe the relationship or your partner. Your gut is screaming at you, maybe start listening to it.

You describe yourself as loving your home and feeling happy in it, for all the 70%-30% maths on this thread you cannot put a figure on your own sense of security and happiness in your home. The next time he pulls up a house for sale online I would look him straight in the eye and say "I was thinking about when you called me grabby, and I can see how it would appear so I have decided you're right, and we should not buy a property together. I will be staying put in my own home". Then hot foot it to claim maintenance as you may be entitled to more than he is currently paying.

Newgreendress · 10/12/2023 17:08

Wakemeup17 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Their mortgage will be lower due to his bigger deposit.

Show quote history

So what? If OP is paying 50% mortgage for 30% equity, it sounds higher rate to me, not lower. Well, it IS lower for her DP - paying 50% mortgage for 70% equity - who is the greedy one here?

Parker231 · 10/12/2023 17:15

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 16:58

@Parker231 it's never occurred to me to ask him for a proportionate contribution towards nursery.

I suppose I kinda see it as half my child half his, we pay half?

If I bought this up I suspect he would say that my earnings are my problem and I need to earn more, get a better job etc

But you earn different amounts so have different available money.
We pay both salaries into a joint account and then transfer an equal amount to our personal accounts to spend as we wish. The amount of personal money is the same, regardless of our different income levels, as we are a partnership.

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:25

If you ring fence your deposits then the rest is 50% profit if you are paying half the mortgage each.

So you would have 50% of everything after that or am I being gullible here? I have form for this.

tachycardigan · 10/12/2023 17:28

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 17:25

If you ring fence your deposits then the rest is 50% profit if you are paying half the mortgage each.

So you would have 50% of everything after that or am I being gullible here? I have form for this.

Your suggestion is sensible but OP’s bf doesn’t want to do this, he wants to screw her over.

BlueGrey1 · 10/12/2023 17:29

What would happen if you said you were not happy to join forces and get a bigger house and felt as an unmarried mother your financial position would be safer to stay in your own house and build up equity in that

WaddyDarbucks · 10/12/2023 17:30

I think in terms of logistics it would be the case that he would be entitle to 70% of the equity on the stake covered by the deposit and fifty fifty on the rest.

For example if the house is 400k and you sell up later at 500k and total deposit was 30k from you and 70k from him then as the deposit was 25% of the vale you would take the 25k that is 25% of the 100k increase and he would get 70% of this and you 30% and then 37.5k on top each. So he’s made 55k (17.5 + 37.5) and you’ve made 45k (7.5+37.5).

To make it very clear why his proposition is fishy, imagine if your deposit was £3 and £7 to give £10 in total. So a 99.999999…% mortgage - you would not agree for a seventy thirty split on this.

Likewise if the combined deposit was so large the mortgage borrow was only £10 to pay off over 25 years he would understandably be getting a raw deal to give you fifty percent equity.

obviously as you are a couple rather than just investors there are other aspects to consider when deciding what is reasonable.

ConsuelaHammock · 10/12/2023 17:40

Stay where you are in your own home bought with your own money. He wants an easy life and all the financial benefits of sharing bills. Don’t give it to him! He won’t commit so he doesn’t see a future with you.

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 17:57

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 16:57

When he's been showing me houses he will pull up right move and be like "what do you think of this house"

"We can only get something like this if we both put together"

He definitely needs my part of the deposit and I guess contribution towards the mortgage/bills to be able to afford the kind of house that he wants... is the impression I get.

Don't get me wrong I'd love a nicer house in a better area, who wouldn't? But I'm also perfectly happy where I am, I've done a lot of work to my house since I've had it and I do love it.

That's the benefit of him dating someone with her own property. Your salary is irrelevant because you could be a high earner and still not have enough saved for a deposit. That's why he's chosen a woman with a house rather than a big salary - if it was all about being 'equal earners' it's his problem he chose to go out with you know knowing what you earn.

Also it's a control tactic. He wouldn't be able to control a high earning woman because he couldn't accuse her of being 'grabby' if she wanted 50:50. So he's with you instead, except he still can't control you as you have your own place. He wants you to sell because then you'll be the lower earner AND not have your own assets/property - making him the more dominant partner just like his dad was with his mum.

He's doing what his dad to his mum. Make himself richer by using you to enable his lifestyle - and then he'll tell everyone who'll listen how all women are grabby and how hard he's worked for his money. Forgetting conveniently your deposit and house sale facilitated it.

Newgreendress · 10/12/2023 18:00

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 16:57

When he's been showing me houses he will pull up right move and be like "what do you think of this house"

"We can only get something like this if we both put together"

He definitely needs my part of the deposit and I guess contribution towards the mortgage/bills to be able to afford the kind of house that he wants... is the impression I get.

Don't get me wrong I'd love a nicer house in a better area, who wouldn't? But I'm also perfectly happy where I am, I've done a lot of work to my house since I've had it and I do love it.

He definitely needs my part of the deposit and I guess contribution towards the mortgage/bills to be able to afford the kind of house that he wants... is the impression I get.

He can't buy without you, but dictates the terms? Why? Also, he does want to marry, just doesn't want to marry you, sorry. When he meets the woman he wants to marry, he will do it pretty quickly

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2023 18:01

It would be reasonable as a couple with a child in a long term relationship to pay bills paid proportionally. So you both end up with the same pin money/savings after. And that would not be reflected in assets at a later date. Regardless you should get 50% of any profits from a house sale (less deposits)

His attitudes stinks tbh not just towards u but towards his mother too.

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 18:01

@tachycardigan thank you for explaining

Menomeno · 10/12/2023 18:05

thesnailandthewhale · 10/12/2023 10:57

When I bought my first property with ex I paid the deposit which was 20% of he value of the property. It was agreed that if we split I would get 20% of the property's selling price back first then we equally split the remainder. Could you suggest the same?

My son and his gf are currently buying and that’s exactly how they’ve done it. It’s definitely the fairest way.

TheMadGardener · 10/12/2023 18:09

Red flags. He doesn't want to marry you because he knows that if you split the house would be a marital asset, plus he'd have to pay spousal maintenance as well as child support. Shame you had a baby with him before finding out what he was like, but too late now.

This man does not love or value you and isn't prepared to do equal parenting. He values his own benefit more than that of his partner and child. You deserve better.

Sorry to say I don't think he'll ever improve. Ditch him, go through CSA to claim the maximum support for your child and see how much he steps up as a non-resident parent (I bet he gradually becomes less and less present in your child's life). You deserve the chance to meet someone else who loves you and wants to be part of a real family with you.

Marmight · 10/12/2023 18:10

Personally I wouldn't buy with this man.

He wants/needs your contribution/deposit to buy the house that he feels he deserves. He is projecting his feelings on to you about being grabby when in fact he needs you and your money.

However, if i did buy with him, it needs to be proportional to income.
You pay 30/110 and he pays 80/110.
This should include everything, mortgage / bills / food / childcare.

Conveniently 30/110 is 27% which is near enough 30% which is the % he thinks you should get from you deposit/contribution.

This is only way I would buy with him, an agreement absolutely that you pay proportional to income.

nomadmummy · 10/12/2023 18:13

Run!

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2023 18:24

When dh and I bought a house I paid 75% deposit. I didn't ring fence it because he had spent a lot of money and time doing up my old house to increase value. Now I work part time and dh earns 10x more than me. We pay proportional amounts into the bill's account and should we split and sell wewill split profit 50/50 .

Dh and I respect each others roles. My working part time enables him to focus on his career. It's a partnership.

ElaineMBenes · 10/12/2023 18:43

If I bought this up I suspect he would say that my earnings are my problem and I need to earn more, get a better job etc

And will he facilitate this by taking on more childcare/housework?
Does he appreciate the impact that mat leave may have had on your career?

LifeExperience · 10/12/2023 18:46

Don't do it. He doesn't want to marry you even though you have given birth to his child. He is using you.

TheGrimm · 10/12/2023 18:58

He’s a Suckubis!

magicofthefae · 10/12/2023 19:00

Definitely DO NOT move in with him. Keep your own home and security.

Whether you stay in a 'live out gf/bf relationship' or not, claim child maintenance and organise a contact schedule for his days to look after his child.

He will kick up a fuss about paying his share for childcare with his money/child maintenance and time/contact schedule. But better to rock the boat now and see where you stand, so you can plan your future accordingly. Don't let him screw you over even more than he already has, by not marrying you, and not paying child support or looking after the child on his own.

If he wants a bigger house, recommend a good mortgage broker, who specialises in 100% mortgages or 40 year mortgages, or suggest an interest only mortgage. (These are terrible financial products for the average person btw). But since he's trying to screw you over financially, I don't think you should care about giving him sound financial advice either. Just give him that advice to get him off your back.

If he insists he wants you to sell your house and pool finances, say you don't want to pool finances as you don't want to be 'grabby'. Use his words against him. Fight fire with fire.

letspopthekettleon · 10/12/2023 19:54

C1N1C · 10/12/2023 10:52

Out of curiosity, what would people's responses be if the situation were reversed?

Do you mean if the OP were a man? People would say exactly the same thing. Ring fence the deposits if you have to, but to put in 50% of the mortgage to only receive 30% forevermore is nonsense and completely unfair.

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