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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying a house with bf AIBU?

275 replies

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:37

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2023 15:43

Every day on here women tying themselves to absolute car crashes of men.

Where are we going so wrong that women think it’s ok to be treated like this?

wellwellso · 10/12/2023 15:46

well, you said the baby was not planned. Please tell us you are no longer sleeping with this man? He wants a sharer's, friends with benefit kind of arrangement which benefits him more and you lose out, and not a relationship where you are a team. I hope you now know how not to get the second 'unplanned baby' from this man, right?!?! Why are you with him still?!

This is a legitimate LTB case if I ever saw one on MN.

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 15:50

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:28

He said he was joking with "grabby" but it didn't feel that way at the time!

He hasn't said outright no to marriage, his answer is along the lines of "one day we will" but vague.

Other times he said he isn't keen as he's seen his parents have an unhappy marriage.

He refers to his own mother as wanting his "fathers" money. They've been married 40 years and his mother still works and always has done!

His Dad did have a successful business. He does speak of this as his "Dads" money. "Well Dad worked hard for it" etc etc... so I guess he doesn't see his own mothers value in contributing to the home, raising him and his siblings and working a less well paid job so Dad could run his business?

I mean he doesn't like or have any respect for women.. and will be raising your child to be like him if a boy (a misogynist), or to have low self esteem and feel inferior if a girl. Coupled with how he treats you that they will grow up witnessing. Is this really how you want to spend the next 30-50 years? I can guarantee this type of man will also cheat on you and justify it as his right because you were being too demanding or let yourself go or were not conceding to his demands - because he sees women as the enemy.

Rewis · 10/12/2023 15:51

I don't think his suggestion was wrong. It is a sensible thing to discuss. However if he immediately jumps into saying you're a gold digger then there is no need to discuss or buy a house together.

Bigcat25 · 10/12/2023 15:51

He sounds very sexist, both to his own mom and you. Thinking you're both grabby after money and discounting your contribution. Your work at home enables his earnings, so he should pay proportionally towards expenses.

wellwellso · 10/12/2023 15:55

OP, having read further updates, he is not only a bad partner for anyone, but you two are certainly not compatible. If i put myself in his shoes, yes, you are being grabby. However, it is because the situation is being set up to screw you from the start: buy house together before marriage. So he is taking advantage wanting 70% equity so, according to him, for you to demonstrate that you are not grabby. However, taking 70% makes him very grabby, a user and out there for what he can get for himself. His example of his parents is case in point.

You can find a better man.

PickAChew · 10/12/2023 15:59

Hmm. The grabby one is the guy who wants to pay 50% of the mortgage but keep 70% of the equity.

Haydenn · 10/12/2023 16:01

You either pay 30% of the monthly mortgage and retain 30% share or you staircase your ownership overtime as your 50% contributions match his.

his attitude is condescending though

KarmenPQZ · 10/12/2023 16:03

DixonD · 10/12/2023 11:23

This is what I was going to suggest (we do these deeds at work) - splitting the mortgage 70-30 would make his desired equity split fair.

Edited
Show quote history

But let’s be clear it’s 70% across the board not just mortgage. So 70% heating bill. 70% bill to fix leaky roof. 70% new carpet / kitchen / boiler / washing machine. It means every time anything needs doing OP is going to need to remind BF that he has to pay more because he’ll probably ‘forget’ at that point it’s not 50:50 and it’ll create a massive imbalance in the relationship that will be the elephant in the room. bF might niaively not thought of the impact of this. Or it might be calculated. We do t know him and only oP can decide but it doesn’t sound the basis of a healthy relationship. Better plan is deposits get ringfenced. Everything else is split equally (or in salary proportion)

ElizaMulvil · 10/12/2023 16:03

So, has he taken out an insurance policy to pay out an income for you until the baby is 21 eg if he died? Has he named you/your child on any in work benefits?
Has he nominated you for his pension benefits?

If not, why not?

If he is resisting marriage and won't provide the financial protection marriage would give you and your baby either then he doesn't love you or care for you or the baby.

You are not the one. If you were he would be doing everything in his power to help you with child care, household jobs and be frightened you would be over burdened. His prime concern would be for you and baby.

He has already partly opted out or rather never opted in. He's already thinking and calculating for a future without you rather than one with you. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't see you as anything but a temporary fix/convenience for sex, household and child care.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 16:04

Your last post where you talk about his parents and his attitude towards their money is a huge red flag.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/12/2023 16:07

I think you have 3 options.

  1. Stay in your house with baby. Just date. He still pays half nursery fees and then essentially pays the equivalent of CMS as you have baby all the time. It's not fair for you to shoulder the entire cost of baby's necessities, planned or not.
  1. Move in with him. Keep your house to rent out. Pay nothing towards the mortgage/deposit of his new house. Then pay % of the other bills split proportionately to your respective incomes. You have no claim on his house. He has no claim on your house.

If/when you split there will be no joint finances to sort out other than CMS.

  1. Split up & claim CMS.
FourteenTog · 10/12/2023 16:10

Don't buy property together without being married! He sounds cold about the business side of life.

ElizaMulvil · 10/12/2023 16:12

He's prepared to tolerate you as long as he's gaining financially - but not otherwise. Be prepared for him to break off with you as soon as that is not so ( or if he gets a much better offer financially ie if he meets a woman who earns as much as he does and has eg 'family' money. )

sandyhappypeople · 10/12/2023 16:17

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:28

He said he was joking with "grabby" but it didn't feel that way at the time!

He hasn't said outright no to marriage, his answer is along the lines of "one day we will" but vague.

Other times he said he isn't keen as he's seen his parents have an unhappy marriage.

He refers to his own mother as wanting his "fathers" money. They've been married 40 years and his mother still works and always has done!

His Dad did have a successful business. He does speak of this as his "Dads" money. "Well Dad worked hard for it" etc etc... so I guess he doesn't see his own mothers value in contributing to the home, raising him and his siblings and working a less well paid job so Dad could run his business?

He wasn't joking about calling you grabby, I think he's just realised it's offensive to call you that to your face so has backtracked, out of interest has he apologised for calling you that or just written it off now as a 'joke'?

My two pence worth is that you paying 70 of the bills is a good idea in theory and the first thing I thought of when I read your OP, but what happens if you have more children or you fall ill and you can't contribute your 30%, does that mean your contribution is nill so your equity is nill? I think that is how he will want it.

I don't mean this to sound horrible, but he has no intention of marrying you, if he did he wouldn't even be considering anything other than 50/50 (after the deposits are taken care of of course), because as a future married couple you would be entitled to half anyway, it wouldn't even cross his mind to try and force something so transactional on his family unit, so he wouldn't be trying to dig his heels in about it now.

I think you should trust you gut on this, don't let him wear you down, I'd hold on to the independence you've got as tight as you can.

KCSIE · 10/12/2023 16:28

Also if you're working on percentages and he understands those.

What percentage of the house value does your shared deposit represent?

E.g. Is it 10% deposit and 90% mortgage (in which case his 'share' of the property would be 52% (7% for the deposit and 45% mortgage) whilst yours would be 48%. You could write that into your paperwork that any increase in value he gets 52% and you get 48%.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 16:34

@confusedgf2 he pays you £700 for childcare which I assume is £1400 pcm.
If he is earning 80k child maintenance is at least £1300pcm although if ypu put a claim in for CM I bet he wouldn't still cover his half of childcare separately but you could claim help for the childcare costs in addition if you earn a certain amount.

Wakemeup17 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 10:57

“Although I would get my deposit back to buy again.”

This sentence makes me think you may give in to him on what he wants. Don’t do it. How is it fair if you’re both paying 50/50 on new mortgage? Has he gave any logic?

Their mortgage will be lower due to his bigger deposit.

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 16:43

Wakemeup17 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Their mortgage will be lower due to his bigger deposit.

Show quote history

But they would then both be paying the mortgage 50/50. They agreed if they were to split he’d get his 70% back and she’d get her 30% which is fair but if she’s contributing to the remaining amount an equal share why should she get a lower amount of equity? That’s unfair

amiold · 10/12/2023 16:45

Similar position here op. We have two house but baby was planned. I felt like he should have committed and sold or rented his to live with me but he thinks I should. I'm not comfortable to lose that financial security.

I earn about 54. He earns about 60 so similar. We do stay mostly at mine. I pay all bills and utilities and we split shopping. I've save 11k for my maternity. I buy babies clothes. Nappies wipes etc. he buys milk (he buys some).

I have around 100k in my house. He has about 35. If we buy together I'd ring fence our deposits but going forward I'd expect we would split profit. Even though my partner would gain from my higher equity.

In the mean time he pays me "maintenance". Relative to his wage and same as he pays for his first child.

Don't let your partner take you for a ride.

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2023 16:47

Wakemeup17 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Their mortgage will be lower due to his bigger deposit.

Show quote history

And your point is?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 16:51

Wakemeup17 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Their mortgage will be lower due to his bigger deposit.

Show quote history

Their mortgage will be cheaper because he has proceeds from OPs house sale, he can't get a bigger house ( for his greedy self ) without ops money.
She's happy where she is, it's him that's trying to convince her.

tachycardigan · 10/12/2023 16:52

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:55

@Bobcat246 I do have a child with him already.

I own my own house with a mortgage already. It's small but I can afford it.

It feels risky to go in with him when he's thinking like this. Although I would get my deposit back to buy again.

But your 30% of the deposit will be worth a lot less due to inflation. Don’t do it.

Parker231 · 10/12/2023 16:52

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:04

He only pays half of the nursery fees @DelphiniumBlue, he doesn't contribute towards anything else. He does buy clothes and toys occasionally.

I never thought of the fact that maybe it should be proportionate? I guess it does adversely affect me as it's a higher portion of my wages.

Why would you pay half the bills when you earn a lower salary?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/12/2023 16:54

He's a misogynist. Don't marry him, don't buy property with him.