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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying a house with bf AIBU?

275 replies

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:37

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:04

He only pays half of the nursery fees @DelphiniumBlue, he doesn't contribute towards anything else. He does buy clothes and toys occasionally.

I never thought of the fact that maybe it should be proportionate? I guess it does adversely affect me as it's a higher portion of my wages.

OP posts:
CliantheLang · 10/12/2023 15:05

In fact I'd ditch him altogether.

OP, I'm sure you know the boiling frogs trope. Well, it turns out that frogs actually do have the sense to jump out of the pot when it gets too hot.

Women, on the other hand...

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:05

He didn't top up my wages on mat leave.

At times I feel he begrudges paying half of the nursery because he says it was my choice to pick one that cost more.

Out of the ones I looked at with spaces available this was the only one I was comfortable leaving baby in.

OP posts:
tachycardigan · 10/12/2023 15:05

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:04

He only pays half of the nursery fees @DelphiniumBlue, he doesn't contribute towards anything else. He does buy clothes and toys occasionally.

I never thought of the fact that maybe it should be proportionate? I guess it does adversely affect me as it's a higher portion of my wages.

Work out how much you’re spending on baby and make him pay half.

He is getting a very easy ride.

Happytohelp2 · 10/12/2023 15:07

That would be fair. You own and be paying in 30% so would take out 30% after any sale.
next negotiation would be on bills. If this was friends I’d say you’ll probably both be using roughly the same utilities etc so pay 50:50. Any improvements or house maintenance should be split 70:30.
however you’re not friends - you’re parents and supposedly in a partnership. In this situation it would be fairest for each to put in to living costs in proportion to their earnings.
That he doesn’t see it as a cooperative and supportive partnership makes me suggest you don’t enter into a joint house purchase.

tokesqueen · 10/12/2023 15:09

Bear in mind you would be the one very highly likely to be left as a LP with your child if you were to split. With all the financial disadvantages that entails. Would he do 50/50? I almost guarantee not.
Protect yourself here OP. Make sure your contraception is watertight.
You are not married and lining yourself up to be stuffed quite frankly.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 15:12

How much is his half of childcare?

Stilldigging · 10/12/2023 15:13

It is not you that is grabby, or after money. I can't believe he can say that with a straight face, when he is currently letting you take almost the full cost of raising your joint child, and proposing a blatantly unfair arrangement for if you do buy together.

BMW6 · 10/12/2023 15:13

Oh tell him to F Off and take him to CMS for maintenance.

He's not with you for the right reasons. He's no bloody good.

pinkfondu · 10/12/2023 15:13

So he does t pay half of all costs for his child, wants you to put in 50% every month but only get back 30%. Hrs having a laugh op. Did not move in with him.

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:18

Half of childcare is £700

OP posts:
C152 · 10/12/2023 15:19

Don't buy with him, OP. Your intuition is telling you to be cautious for a reason.

SwooningCamille · 10/12/2023 15:21

I think I'd rather stay and build up equity in my own house?

Why the question mark at the end of that statement? Are you asking for permission to keep your own house and secure your own financial position and that of your child? If so, every single person on this thread has given you that permission.

Do not buy a house with this man.

KCSIE · 10/12/2023 15:23

I haven't RTWT but I'd consider keeping your own property and renting it out so you maintain some financial security should the sh*t hit the fan later on in the relationship. Is that affordable? Or does your deposit contribution to the new house depend on the sale of your existing property?

Ardith · 10/12/2023 15:24

I’m worried for you. It’s one thing to disagree about the details of the equity split: it is awkward putting less in and haggling about who pays what etc. Couples disagree and negotiate all the time.

But when the father of your child calls you “grabby” for trying to have a calm discussion about protecting your finances, that’s a red flag. He’s using insults and put-downs to avoid having an adult conversation with you.

It seems to me that he wants a situation where:

  • he lives with his child
  • you live there and do all the housework shopping childcare school pickups etc because his job is so terribly important and long hours
  • he has sex available at home whenever he wants it
  • You pay 50% of the mortgage and bills
  • If the relationship ends he keeps 70% of the profit on the house
  • You have none of the legal protections that marriage would give you. Marriage is actually created to protect women in your situation.

I wouldn’t move in with him, no. I’d accept that this is not true love and co-parent while looking for a man who actually wants love and marriage.

You told him you want marriage and he’s said no. He has basically turned down your proposal of marriage. That is a big deal.

Good luck!!

Jaboody · 10/12/2023 15:24

DONT move in with this man. Make sure your contraception is bulletproof and just leave him.

Ardith · 10/12/2023 15:27

C1N1C · 10/12/2023 10:52

Out of curiosity, what would people's responses be if the situation were reversed?

The situations can’t be reversed, because women don’t carelessly get men pregnant and say oops accident no I won’t support the baby 50:50 but hey you can pay my mortgage if you want. Women just don’t behave like that. Women do get their bodies and careers destroyed by pregnancy and childcare however. Men don’t.

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 15:28

He said he was joking with "grabby" but it didn't feel that way at the time!

He hasn't said outright no to marriage, his answer is along the lines of "one day we will" but vague.

Other times he said he isn't keen as he's seen his parents have an unhappy marriage.

He refers to his own mother as wanting his "fathers" money. They've been married 40 years and his mother still works and always has done!

His Dad did have a successful business. He does speak of this as his "Dads" money. "Well Dad worked hard for it" etc etc... so I guess he doesn't see his own mothers value in contributing to the home, raising him and his siblings and working a less well paid job so Dad could run his business?

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 10/12/2023 15:29

Keep your house, don't leave yourself vulnerable.

Ask him to do 50% of the parenting, that includes 50% childcare costs, 50% food and clothing costs for your little one, 50% of the time /effort / admin of looking after them.

Anytime they are not in childcare, one of you is using your time to care for the little one, if his longer work hours and 'better' job mean he can't do his half then that's his problem to solve.

Why should your unseen and unpaid work in the home support his earning ability and career prospects if you aren't seeing anything in return?

Jaboody · 10/12/2023 15:30

OP , he won't marry you. He's waving that to keep you with him as it's convenient.

Bigcat25 · 10/12/2023 15:31

His arrangement is obviously unfair from a simple math perspective. You are paying 50/50 so should get an equal share of the equity. He's cheap, and should be all in with you, as you've started a family.

HerMammy · 10/12/2023 15:34

he said it's clear what I want and that I'm grabby and after money.
that would be enough for me to walk away from him, the house

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 15:36

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 12:40

When I said before that I'd prefer to be married before we buy a house together etc he said it's clear what I want and that I'm grabby and after money.

Oh god! Please don't sell your place and buy with him. It will be the worst mistake you make.

You only buy a house with someone who sees you as a team. That means he sees sharing 50% of the sales/profit as the right thing to do. If you were married the law would give you 50%, this is why he won't marry you.

Getting your deposit back won't guarantee you'll now be able to buy a house. House prices are increasing, mortgage interest rates are increasing. Tougher to get back on the property ladder. Your property is the best decision you ever made as it's an asset you can own and leverage how you want. Never sell it to buy with someone who isn't even married to you and happy to expose you to risk and vulnerability while protecting himself. He strikes me as someone who would even go for full custody in a split using your financial vulnerability against you.

Honestly I would reconsider the relationship too as despite having a baby with you, he doesn't see you both as a partnership. Only what you can do for him.

Please do not sell your flat. It's the only security you have for you and baby.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 10/12/2023 15:37

He’s BU here. Your deposits are what each of you can currently afford - you are right to protect those so if you split up you both get your entire deposit back.

But once the house is bought, that’s a shared asset that you’re both paying a mortgage on. He’s treating it unemotionally like a business venture he is majority stakeholder in. The only way he should insist that he gets to keep 70% of the price of the house if it’s ever sold is if he pays 70% of the mortgage every single month and you agree between you that this will be what happens. Otherwise, you are funding his growing nest egg for him over 25 years knowing you’ll only get to see 30% of that equity if it’s sold. Him paying in a larger one-off lump now is not remotely the same as him contributing 70% of the mortgage for years and years and years.

daytriptovulcan · 10/12/2023 15:40

Keep your own house and your own security. He sounds like he ll always put himself first before you and child.