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Original poster

DH at woman's house after Xmas night out

384 replies

YouBelongWithMe · 10/12/2023 02:24

My DH was on his Xmas night out tonight. Started quite early and he said he'd be home about 11pm - did and does not matter to met at all that he decided to extend it to a big night.

I text at 1.50am to check all was okay, and he asked me to call him asap.

As I understand it, one of the women got so incredibly drunk that she was very ill and unsafe. Spewing and falling over as she made her way into a taxi. My DH has gone home with her to check she was okay

She's now passed out on her floor, having been sick everywhere. He says he's covered in her sick. He doesn't want to leave her because she lives alone and he's not sure that she's safe.

He thinks he should stay until morning,or until she wakes up at least.

What would your DH do in that situation?

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 10/12/2023 19:46

Call an ambulance?!!! Haha, good luck with that! People who are genuinely ill are waiting HOURS for an ambulance. I would go round and be with him. It definitely ensures no dodgy suggestions are made at a later date.

Ramalangadingdong · 10/12/2023 21:03

Ilovelurchers · 10/12/2023 17:17

I'm disgusted by loads of these responses, especially all the ones who think the woman was likely to lie and pretend he had assaulted her.

Is that something you think happens a lot, then? Women lying about rape and abuse?

Sometimes I can't believe what I am reading!

Yes, it is technically possible that she might lie and pretend he assaulted her. Just as it is technically possible that next time she sees him she might run at him with a knife and stab him to death. Both are pretty much equally likely I would say.

Perhaps the reason women often claim they have been assaulted is because THEY HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED. And as he is not a rapist, there is a vanishingly small possibility of OP's husband being accused of rape, by this woman or any other.

OP, your husband sounds like a nice fella, and I am glad you and he helped the woman. Right thing to do. Ideally she wouldn't have got so drunk, but it happens. Hopefully not part of a bigger picture of problems for her - if it is hopefully she will get help. Glad it was your husband and you around to help her out, not some of the frankly awful people responding on here who believe false accusations of rape are an ever present danger for males......

I agree with the gist of your post, but I don't think people think she would lie about being assaulted, but that if she woke and saw him she might wonder what had happened because she might have no recollection of it. Good thing his wife went round to help. Good for him for doing what he did. Decent people.

greyhairnomore · 10/12/2023 21:14

Passingthethyme · 10/12/2023 06:10

I'm sure I'm going against the grain, but your DH sounds like a good guy. I'd maybe put her on the couch, cover in a blanket and leave. I don't think an adult will die if left alone drunk. Perhaps he could call another colleague but it sounds a bit late for that

You can choke on your own vomit.

porridgeisbae · 10/12/2023 21:24

If she'd been spiked, surely the spiker would hang around to make use of the opportunity of spiking her. Otherwise, they've just 'wasted' their rohypnol or whatever.

The police see a lot of people who think they've been spiked when they've just drunk too much for them.

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 21:29

greyhairnomore · 10/12/2023 21:14

You can choke on your own vomit.

Show quote history

Vomitting is a very common reaction to excessive drinking, especially at a works xmas party. Yet I'm betting not many men would show as much concern for another man who had also drunk heavily (and lived alone), to the extent they wanted to stay with him all night. Even though men are also at danger of choking on vomit. I mean no one would ever come back alive from a stag do if this happened often. Many things can happen when you're home after a night out - you could decide to take a shower and slip and fall in the tub being drunk. Doesn't mean someone needs to be with you supervising your shower in case it happens. Or if you're in an Uber and start throwing up, it wouldn't be ok for the Uber driver to stay the night to ensure you don't choke. The point i'm making is that choking on vomit after heavy drinking not very common - certainly not enough to warrant a man spending the night in your home without you knowing.

MasterBeth · 10/12/2023 21:31

NOTANUM · 10/12/2023 08:09

This man is one of the good man - and there are many - and the OP is a supportive and kind wife, again like the majority of us.

Yes. We would do this. You'd have to be pretty nasty to abandon someone in this state.

MasterBeth · 10/12/2023 21:48

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 18:53

Tbh I'm glad it turned out ok but I would feel very uncomfortable if a male colleague escorted me into my bedroom while I was drunk. I live alone and getting me home in one piece is one thing but taking me to my bedroom would not be ok - without a female colleague. If I was genuinely that ill that leaving me alone was a risk, id prefer to be taken to A&E (if it seems I've been drugged) or have my close friends and family called/informed. Any colleague who cared that much about me would know who to call for me - no one is that alone.

I would freak out because if I was that drunk I wouldn't have any recollection of that night and what happened which would put me in a vulnerable position. And no one knows colleagues that well, as you only see each other in a professional setting normally. The only time I was sexually assaulted was by a colleague I worked with for 7 years - the nicest kindest bloke to everyone else, married with a wife and kids I'd even met. I got drunk at a work party and he told others he'd escort me to my hotel room to make sure I was ok. Once at my room he started kissing me and when I pushed him off he said he couldn't help himself as I was so hot and no one would know. I then threw up and before I could do anything he rushed me into my bathroom under the excuse of holding my hair and started groping me. I was too weak to push him off, fainted and when I came to, it was morning, I'd been changed into different clothes but I felt sore down there. Lots of messages from him checking if I was ok. At the time I felt too embarrassed to say anything and wasn't confident in what had happened so never reported it. He acted like everything was normal, counting on the fact I'd feel too embarrassed to say anything and had a ready made excuse why he was alone with me. So he played the hero but I knew he had assaulted me. I left the company shortly after and to this day I regret not reporting him.

I'm sure this is not your DH but both he and you should also consider what's best for the woman and her comfort/privacy in that situation. You might be comfortable and trust your DH but she isn't you. If he does need to help her, there can be other women colleagues called or her own friends and family, or A&E. Just because a woman doesn't have a partner doesn't mean she needs other men escorting her to her bedroom....

I am so sorry about what happened to you.

I can completely understand why you wouldn't want a man to escort you home again in similar circumstances. I bet it's been distressing even reading this thread.

I do think there's a huge difference between your circumstances and these circumstances, however. You were assaulted. This woman was not. The OP shouldn't think that the inevitible consequnces of her husband helping his colleague is that he will be accused. Even during your drunken state, you knew that was done to you was completely unacceptable and wrong. This woman has not had to experience the terrible ordeal that you had to deal with.

realitytransurfing · 10/12/2023 22:08

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 21:29

Vomitting is a very common reaction to excessive drinking, especially at a works xmas party. Yet I'm betting not many men would show as much concern for another man who had also drunk heavily (and lived alone), to the extent they wanted to stay with him all night. Even though men are also at danger of choking on vomit. I mean no one would ever come back alive from a stag do if this happened often. Many things can happen when you're home after a night out - you could decide to take a shower and slip and fall in the tub being drunk. Doesn't mean someone needs to be with you supervising your shower in case it happens. Or if you're in an Uber and start throwing up, it wouldn't be ok for the Uber driver to stay the night to ensure you don't choke. The point i'm making is that choking on vomit after heavy drinking not very common - certainly not enough to warrant a man spending the night in your home without you knowing.

Show quote history

I agree with this. If I woke up from a drunken night out and my Uber driver had stayed the night in case I “choked on my vomit” I’d be highly suspicious and seriously creeped out. I don’t think it’s a good idea at all for a man to stay in a woman’s bedroom to “watch them”. If there is a concern about being so drunk or alcohol poisoned that you’d choke to death on your own vomit then an ambulance needs to be called as it then becomes a medical issue. Besides, choking can happen quickly- so unless the person is literally going to stay awake all night staring right at you, you could easily choke to death once they’d fallen asleep in your room. Few people can stay awake all day and all night and still remain vigilant to every tiny sound.

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 22:10

MasterBeth · 10/12/2023 21:48

I am so sorry about what happened to you.

I can completely understand why you wouldn't want a man to escort you home again in similar circumstances. I bet it's been distressing even reading this thread.

I do think there's a huge difference between your circumstances and these circumstances, however. You were assaulted. This woman was not. The OP shouldn't think that the inevitible consequnces of her husband helping his colleague is that he will be accused. Even during your drunken state, you knew that was done to you was completely unacceptable and wrong. This woman has not had to experience the terrible ordeal that you had to deal with.

Show quote history

But you don't know what happened with this woman and neither does OP. In fact the only reason OP was aware of the whole drama is because she messaged her DH at 2am and he had to tell her what was going on. If she hadn't messaged, he would have spent the night in this woman's home. He would have needed to stay in her bedroom to keep a useful eye on her, without his shirt on (which is how OP found him). There is no universe where that wouldn't have been upsetting and confusing to this woman when she woke up and it would feel like a violation. As a single woman you expect someone to get you home safely when you're drunk, not get into your bedroom and spend the night. Also phones are fingerprint access now, it would have been easy for DH to use her finger to access her phone and call someone for her if he really was that worried. If someone is close enough to stay in your bedroom, they should know who to call in an emergency.

It was pretty extra to feel he needed to spend the night with her at all - but that's beside the point.

I had a normal conversation with my attacker, and his wife and the rest of my team. I didn't tell a soul what had happened and I have no doubt everyone including his wife thought he'd done a noble deed and I should be grateful. No one questioned why he was in my room as long as he was - or why I needed more caretaking than a man in my position would have. This woman drank excessively, she got dropped back safely with other colleagues. There was no need for just one man to be inside her home alone. Especially not a colleague who doesn't even work in her team anymore.

Peacheroo · 10/12/2023 23:01

This thread paints a depressing picture of humanity. Not helping someone because it's inconvenient or in case they accuse you of rape.

I'm sure OPs husband is reasonably clued up with socialising, mixing with people to read cues. He also knows this lady. He knows better than us if it's safe to stay or required. You and he definitely did the right thing. I'd be happy with my DP doing the same.

Remagirl · 10/12/2023 23:03

I'd be worried for him. He's in a very vulnerable position if he's alone. Could you go and wait with him a while. She'll sober up in a few hours.

CustardySergeant · 10/12/2023 23:10

Remagirl · 10/12/2023 23:03

I'd be worried for him. He's in a very vulnerable position if he's alone. Could you go and wait with him a while. She'll sober up in a few hours.

Look at the time of the first post and look at the time now. Also read all the OP's posts.

burnoutbabe · 10/12/2023 23:24

Peacheroo · 10/12/2023 23:01

This thread paints a depressing picture of humanity. Not helping someone because it's inconvenient or in case they accuse you of rape.

I'm sure OPs husband is reasonably clued up with socialising, mixing with people to read cues. He also knows this lady. He knows better than us if it's safe to stay or required. You and he definitely did the right thing. I'd be happy with my DP doing the same.

But we don't know he is a safe man to be with? Another poster has said her experiences with the "nice married man" who helped her when drunk.

Us women should help each other more, not drop their female colleagues to their home with "a helpful guy". I'd have taken the 5 mins to help her inside myself and put in recovery position, then made sure the man left with me.

fragilrock00 · 10/12/2023 23:42

Peacheroo · 10/12/2023 23:01

This thread paints a depressing picture of humanity. Not helping someone because it's inconvenient or in case they accuse you of rape.

I'm sure OPs husband is reasonably clued up with socialising, mixing with people to read cues. He also knows this lady. He knows better than us if it's safe to stay or required. You and he definitely did the right thing. I'd be happy with my DP doing the same.

What's depressing is no one thinking about a woman's right to boundaries in her own home. Being single and drunk should never be carte blanche for any man to spend the night in your bedroom, when you can't consent. A bedroom is an intimate space and a woman's sanctuary that should only by entered by invitation or by close friends and family - an ex colleague of only 3 years is not that category. Her other colleagues got her home safely, at least one other woman was present in the car with them so there was zero need for this man to be alone in her home for quite some time after that point.

Behindyouiam · 11/12/2023 06:20

@fragilrock00 you wouldn't be saying any of that nonsense if she'd have choked to death of her own vomit. The man deserves and it would seem got an apology and a thank you.

Newmum738 · 11/12/2023 06:22

He's done this right thing here.

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/12/2023 07:14

Behindyouiam · 11/12/2023 06:20

@fragilrock00 you wouldn't be saying any of that nonsense if she'd have choked to death of her own vomit. The man deserves and it would seem got an apology and a thank you.

It's not nonsense.

It's a real danger, as@fragilrock00 discovered.

And you wouldn't be so blasé if that woman had ended up posting on MN "I got frunk at a works Christmas "do", and a colleague took me home and I think he raped me. I can't remember anything but I am in a lot of pain."

It seems that on this occasion it was a decent man with a decent, sensible wife - it might not have been.

@fragilrock00 - I'm so sorry for what happened to you. As you say the apparently most trustworthy of men can behave appallingly, and we never know which they will be.

burnoutbabe · 11/12/2023 08:24

Also what are the stats of

Women being raped or assaulted after an Xmas party

People (men or women) dying after Xmas party from choking (as opposed to crossing a road drunk or falling down stairs).

I assume the first happens far more than the second (and people only seem to care about a very narrow type of danger rather than the many dangers drunk men and women face)

dbond · 11/12/2023 12:25

Clearly some of you live a very sheltered life and don’t understand the real dangers out there..

dbond · 11/12/2023 12:27

Alot of sexual assault/harassment claims are by women in the work place so I think Christmas work parties are quite fitting for that stat

Ramalangadingdong · 11/12/2023 12:28

dbond · 11/12/2023 12:25

Clearly some of you live a very sheltered life and don’t understand the real dangers out there..

In a way I am pleased that there are people who have not experienced the danger because if you have life can be terrible.

dbond · 11/12/2023 12:32

Yes I agree but do people not read the news and see things on the internet about this stuff?

Cas112 · 11/12/2023 12:42

This is now on the daily mail

MeinKraft · 11/12/2023 12:52

LittleGlowingOblong · 10/12/2023 03:51

Well done for going round.

that sounds awful!

I’d have called an ambulance 3 hours ago but it’s probably one of the busiest nights of the year for them so your DH has taken a hit for the community.

It’s often the lightest drinkers who get most drunk at Christmas, how very mortifying for her though.

She'd be so far down the priority list for an ambulance that she'd be sitting up sober with a cup of tea and hangover breakfast by the time it turned up.

CatamaranViper · 11/12/2023 14:58

Well done to your DH.

When I was 21 I started working in a bar while at uni and had an 'initiation' night which resulted in me completely blacking out. My colleagues had purposely made my drinks much stronger for a 'laugh'. I woke up alone in my hallway covered in sick (my housemates were away) and I ended up missing my train back home to my best friends 21st birthday party.

Not a single colleague text me and I was filled with fear before my next shift where everyone took the piss out of me for being so drunk.

I left not long after and refused to ever drink with them or accept a drink from any of them.