To think my grandparents are tossers

[Pbjammy]

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

Newsflash! People in their 80s were not in their 80s thirty years ago. I'm in my 60s and have friends in their 60s and 70s that travel in Cuba, South Africa, New Zealand and Borneo.

I would be very offended if you implied I couldn't travel two hours by train/car/coach to see my children/grandchildren. These people have reaped what they sowed. And surprise, surprise, they were rubbish parents too.

I would very much doubt it. The OP is a grown woman, not a 4 year old.

What grown woman would make a 4 hour round trip to get a present from someone she barely knows and who makes no effort with her?

Do you get the impression the grandparents are lavishing the OP with gifts, because I certainly don't.

What an incredibly odd post.

They don’t have to go round to their house, they could have met somewhere public for lunch and OP’s parent could and dropped off/picked up. If you really want to keep a relationship with a relative open you will find a way to make it work.

The GPs treated their son poorly growing up, it was their responsibility to treat their child well, so they’re the ones who don’t have a great relationship with their son.

And I suspect that’s why they avoid him and his children now, they know they treated him badly and it’s easier to forget that if they don’t see him.

Playing benefactor to strangers is the GPs’ way of absolving their dirty conscience.

They weren’t 80 when OP was 7 were they? They can still pick up the phone, they can still FaceTime. They could still make a bloody effort.

OP hasn't said that at all,

She has queried why they didn't do it years ago, when she was a child, and I think that's fair enough, is it not?

So you had nan who you thought was great, she let your into her house twice a week (having kids round your house that often is not something you would allow if you really didn’t care about them as kids can be annoying at the best of times) I take it she fed you too? Now your reframing your perception of her, how do you know she didn’t have an important reason for visiting your friend’s grand daughter, how astoundingly entitled and self centred to expect her to come to your 3rd floor flat when she struggled with stairs when was much easier for you to visit her, honest cannot get over the idea that some MNs see GP as existing only to serve them and their DP

There a lot of grandparents on this forum who are NC with their children and project their own situations onto OPs.

As we’ve said it seems they might have had a difficult relationship with the DP, maybe they found the GC rather annoying and entitled and decided to invest their energy in nicer children, who knows?

Late FIL was the same, completely ignored his own children but went off spending time with other people’s.

He was basically in for the show - any public occasion that made him look good.
His own family was of no interest. Funnily enough his 3 adult children were NC but he was the toast of the village for all the things he did for the local kids. He couldn’t have told you his grandaughters full name or date
of birth though.

My parents interest in me ended when I started secondary school I spent 25 years trying to have a relationship and on
my wedding day realised it was never going to happen and stopped. They have gone the same to my children I am not trying again it’s too upsetting best to lower your expectations

Oh dear @Clar45, projecting much?

I clearly said in my post that I understood my Nan would struggle with the stairs so I understood that she didn't ever visit my flat, and I showed her photos when I moved in instead.

And yes, I do know that she didn't have a good reason for visiting her friends granddaughters flat. She went "just to see what it was like" and to give her a house warming present.

Who knows what the whole story is but either way, if for whatever reason they didn’t have a great relationship with the DP then that will impact on the relationship that they end up having with the GC

You are an adult. It's up to YOU to ring and visit THEM.

They're in their 80's ffs, why should they be chasing you?!

This is going to be more complicated than you know. Likely the GPs have their own story of being excluded, which your parents would have their own side of.

They were the adults 30 years ago. It was up to THEM to visit and keep in contact with HER.

Also it was up to THEM to have a good relationship with their own child.

"how astoundingly entitled and self centred to expect her to come to your 3rd floor flat when she struggled with stairs when was much easier for you to visit her, honest cannot get over the idea that some MNs see GP as existing only to serve them and their DP"

Actually @Clar45, I've already responded to you, but having reread what you wrote (quoted above), you are offensive and a poor reader.

How dare you call me 'astoundingly entitled and self centred' to expect her to visit my 3rd floor flat when I clearly said that I understood she could not due to her health issues??

Of course it was much easier for me to visit her you pompous fool. Which is why I visited her weekly, firstly on the bus and then by car when I learned to drive.

Signing off.

I was interested in the discussion on here but you've gone too far with your ridiculous projections and poor reading comprehension.

🙄 making assumptions without knowing the full story
No why should they be chasing after DS family if they don’t get on with him, it’s his family not their children, by all means if they come to you as adults and want a relationship that’s different

Where were they when op was a child. Bloody disgraceful grandparents.

Op I had grandparents like this. So well respected in the community but never gave a toss about us kids. In fact they actively ignored abuse we were suffering as they had busy lives lol. We cut them off as adults. To be fair we were lucky if we saw them once a year. No great loss.

I'm glad to say as a grandmother myself I'm regularly involved in my grandchildren's lives. I'm here tonight babysitting. We've watched Christmas movies and ate too many chocolate biscuits.

It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story but I guess we won’t.

I never form an opinion unless I've heard both sides of a story. I’ve learnt the hard way

Yes but you clearly resented her for it, especially as she visited someone else on the 3rd floor as you wouldn’t have mentioned this as an example otherwise

My father was the same. Treated his children like shit, and couldn't be bothered with his numerous grandchildren.

He remarried at a fairly old age, and his wife's daughter considered him the father she never had and her kids were doted on by him!

When he died the stepdaughter and kids were distraught and the rest of us fairly hey ho about it all, which was just as well as it saved us being rankled by his behaviour.

My parents are similar, very little interest in their own children and grandchildren, but gushing on social media congratulating people they barely know about things. Talk nonstop about people I don't know, but never ask me a question about anything. I've gotten a post grad degree and a new job in the last year, but no congratulations or positive comments for me of course. Mother's only comment was in a displeased tone, "Well, you're very lucky to have that".

My kids think like this about my in laws. They get wheeled out when they want to impress extended family or friends about what wonderful grandparents they are but don’t give a toss the rest of the time.
I've really limited contact now as I could see the effect it was having.

either this or the ridiculous expectations some in this generation seem to have towards GP, I’m glad my DP weren’t like this so was able to have a good relationship with my GP and my DC haven’t got this attitude to my DP else we would of all gone NC years ago for the fact that my GP and my DP lives certainly didn’t revolve around the grandchildren and parents hadn’t always been perfect parents but non the the less we appreciate the here and now