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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandparents are tossers

242 replies

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:47

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

OP posts:
Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 22:25

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 22:06

🙄 making assumptions without knowing the full story
No why should they be chasing after DS family if they don’t get on with him, it’s his family not their children, by all means if they come to you as adults and want a relationship that’s different

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Hahaha! Pot/kettle. Says the person who speculated that they may have found the GC annoying and entitled. 🙄

What I said wasn't speculation, it was fact, unlike your assertion: They WERE the adults, the OP WAS a child. No speculation involved, unlike you.

GPs don't chase after relationships, it's not some dodgy internet dating situation. They forge relationships with their GC even if their relationship with their own children is awful (whose fault is that 99/100).

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 22:25

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:54

As we’ve said it seems they might have had a difficult relationship with the DP, maybe they found the GC rather annoying and entitled and decided to invest their energy in nicer children, who knows?

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Of course you might have a 'difficult relationship' with your grown child if you treated them poorly as a small child. It's vaguely alarming to me that grown-ups might neglect their family to cherry pick 'nicer children'. They need to offer love and work at relationships, not go shopping for preferable humans!

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 22:26

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 22:25

Of course you might have a 'difficult relationship' with your grown child if you treated them poorly as a small child. It's vaguely alarming to me that grown-ups might neglect their family to cherry pick 'nicer children'. They need to offer love and work at relationships, not go shopping for preferable humans!

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Absolutely this!

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 22:27

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 21:48

Newsflash! People in their 80s were not in their 80s thirty years ago. I'm in my 60s and have friends in their 60s and 70s that travel in Cuba, South Africa, New Zealand and Borneo.

I would be very offended if you implied I couldn't travel two hours by train/car/coach to see my children/grandchildren. These people have reaped what they sowed. And surprise, surprise, they were rubbish parents too.

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This exactly! People in their 80s were young in the 1960s. They are often fitter and hipper than people in their 60s, who were young in the 1980s. At least in my experience.

InSpainTheRain · 09/12/2023 22:27

It sounds to me like there was a family rift years ago, they moved away and have kept their distance. But they have also invested in their local community and made friends there. I see your point OP but I think there is more underlying reasons to this, maybe things you are not aware of. Calling them tossers is pretty nasty in my view too.

SunnieShine · 09/12/2023 22:28

Ragwort · 09/12/2023 17:53

If you are describing them as 'tossers' maybe they are aware of your attitude and prefer to spend time helping young people in their community. How often do you and your Dad make the effort to visit and stay in touch?

Indeed. A rude and silly way to describe your grandparents

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 09/12/2023 22:30

BeenRoundThatBlock · 09/12/2023 18:07

Just tolerate them for an inheritance*
*
Don't be surprised if they leave it all to the Scouts!

Hopefully they will!!

allitdoesisrain · 09/12/2023 22:37

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 22:17

either this or the ridiculous expectations some in this generation seem to have towards GP, I’m glad my DP weren’t like this so was able to have a good relationship with my GP and my DC haven’t got this attitude to my DP else we would of all gone NC years ago for the fact that my GP and my DP lives certainly didn’t revolve around the grandchildren and parents hadn’t always been perfect parents but non the the less we appreciate the here and now

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I do agree, however, I also feel that some in the GP's generation (especially the older ones) are equally ridiculous in their expectations of their roles in their grown children and GC's lives.

ActDottie · 09/12/2023 22:41

It’s a two way thing though. You should also make an effort with them.

mcmooberry · 09/12/2023 22:42

Don't know about tossers but they certainly don't sound like parents or grandparents that anyone would actually want and certainly deluded as you say.

Original poster
Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 22:54

@Ibizafun They're leaving their money to charity, and whatever's left of their flat will go to my dad. We expect them to go into care homes, like their parents did, and their property will pay for that so nobody is holding out for any inheritance. Me and my sister aren't in their will.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 09/12/2023 22:56

MellowYellowWithaBitofPurple · 09/12/2023 22:07

It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story but I guess we won’t.

I never form an opinion unless I've heard both sides of a story. I’ve learnt the hard way

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I guess you don't post on MN much then ... seeing as by its very nature, we only get one side of the story.

Palmasailor · 09/12/2023 22:59

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:55

There's more to this than meets the eye.

Yeah, some real curved ball you might not want to know.

Original poster
Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 23:01

Also I work in a legal field - my nan has been telling everyone she knows I'm a barrister in the city for years, when she knows full well I'm nothing of the sort. I shadowed a barrister for a bit when I was studying, and it wasn't for me! When my sister got married she told some relatives she bumped into that she was going with my sister to look at dresses which was total rubbish!

They are 100% narcissists.

OP posts:
MellowYellowWithaBitofPurple · 09/12/2023 23:03

Pallisers · 09/12/2023 22:56

I guess you don't post on MN much then ... seeing as by its very nature, we only get one side of the story.

Show quote history

It’s irrelevant how often I post on mn.

How can anyone form an
opinion without hearing both sides of a story?

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 23:03

Yeah they sound complete tossers and the worst is that they probably aren’t even aware, their heads are so far up their own holes.

Just cut contact, why upset yourselves? Tell them why (the petty me would place an advert in their beloved local paper to let them and their beloved “community” know)

catswagbumble · 09/12/2023 23:06

OP if they are this bad why do you care?

Genuine question - what can getting het up about this help you NOW?

They seem to have been awful throughout your childhood - can you not "just" ignore now and go N/C?

OMGitsnotgood · 09/12/2023 23:08

Me and my sister visit once a year usually at Christmas.
I hope to god my grandchildren visit me more often than that

Elvis1956 · 09/12/2023 23:09

Yes sadly tossers. Family is a strange thing. I've had aunt's tell people how much they did for my mum when she was dying, when it was her friends who really cared for her (and me I was 16) . I would personally cut contact. They bring nothing to your life. Why bother.

coldcallerbaiter · 09/12/2023 23:14

AtomicBlondeRose · 09/12/2023 19:56

Why is everyone going on about inheritance? Do people generally inherit from grandparents? I thought it went to peoples’ children most of the time? I’d certainly never assume to inherit anything from grandparents so it’s really weird anyone’s leapt to that conclusion.

But she will inherit from her df if and when he inherits.

I think at this stage OP could be worried the scouts will get it all…

Pallisers · 09/12/2023 23:59

MellowYellowWithaBitofPurple · 09/12/2023 23:03

It’s irrelevant how often I post on mn.

How can anyone form an
opinion without hearing both sides of a story?

Show quote history

Well you may be right but it does mean forums like this should get hardly any posts from reasonable people since they are essentially only getting one side of the story - whether it be "are my grandparents tossers?" or "should my toddler drink more milk?". I struggle to see how you post at all.

Still, there are always loads of posters willing to fill in an imaginary other side of the story.

Chocoswirl · 10/12/2023 00:02

Are they ‘all for show’?
Would they still do all the community stuff if nobody noticed or cared?

Ibizafun · 10/12/2023 00:23

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 22:54

@Ibizafun They're leaving their money to charity, and whatever's left of their flat will go to my dad. We expect them to go into care homes, like their parents did, and their property will pay for that so nobody is holding out for any inheritance. Me and my sister aren't in their will.

My apologies then x

Babla · 10/12/2023 01:21

Just tolerate them for an inheritance.

Unbelievable

PlanetOfTheDogs · 10/12/2023 02:56

They aren’t nice to your dad, their son. They’ve shown no interest in you as a child or adult. They sound awful. Stop visiting them.

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