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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

164 replies

HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:08

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Naptrappedmummy · 09/12/2023 17:11

YANBU it’s really selfish.

contactus · 09/12/2023 17:12

how old are the babies?

contactus · 09/12/2023 17:13

the other two. others knew the score and decided to go ahead

you knew she was coming and came anyway

so the majority voted op and if you didn’t like…. you could have said no

Original poster
HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:13

contactus · 09/12/2023 17:12

how old are the babies?

Between 12 & 13 months.

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 17:14

How old are the babies?

If immobile, say under 6mo, yab (slightly) unreasonable.

If mobile and crawling and playing together (I mean sharing toys etc) then definitely yanbu

Edit: cross posted. If they're 12mo then yanbu. Nursery wouldn't accept this either

Original poster
HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:15

contactus · 09/12/2023 17:13

the other two. others knew the score and decided to go ahead

you knew she was coming and came anyway

so the majority voted op and if you didn’t like…. you could have said no

Yes I accept that but I felt awkward saying no when others had already said yes. I don’t know if they felt pressured to say yes or whether they genuinely didn’t mind, but I didn’t want to look like an uptight ninny by saying no. Others didn’t reply.

I just shouldn’t have gone which I accept now but in the same vein, why should I be the one to stay at home when it wasn’t my child that was ill and contagious.

OP posts:
Daffyaboutdaffs · 09/12/2023 17:15

I’d be interested to know if any of the other mums or kids caught it. If they did they would probably not be so obliging next time. I agree it is selfish behaviour.

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 17:17

If she does this again just reply and say my dc caught a cold off yours last time, please could we rearrange

Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 17:17

Well she did warn you before hand so ultimately it was your choice to still go. If she had just turned up without asking then that would have been worse.

Original poster
HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:20

Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 17:17

Well she did warn you before hand so ultimately it was your choice to still go. If she had just turned up without asking then that would have been worse.

It would but why ask? Asking is putting people in a really awkward position. I think it’s just emotional manipulation tbh and I don’t like it. And like I say, this is the second time now (they all got ill the last time too, with Strep A!!! I didn’t go, thankfully!) she’s really going down in my estimation but unfortunately everyone else thinks she’s the bees knees (another reason why I didn’t feel like I could say no)

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 17:20

It’s not fair to put someone in the position of cancelling because you or your child is sick and they don’t want to catch it. It should be the sick people staying at home.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2023 17:22

Why didn't you reply saying 'best stay at home, no one else wants to catch it'?

Scottishskifun · 09/12/2023 17:22

Honestly OP at 12 months they will pick it up regardless of if someone in the groups child has a cold if any of them are in nursery or go to a baby group! It's very different if they had noro or d&v bug etc but for a cold nope.

And good luck a baby not getting colds from day dot if you have a 2nd and have a sibling about!!!

Stress101 · 09/12/2023 17:24

YANBU. My children are teenagers now but we went through the mill at times due to selfish parents bringing their sick children to nursery, school, parties etc. My SIL was the worse. Her DD was constantly sick but because she lived in PIL house we couldn't escape the sickness. It was alright for her, she had one child, didn't work and had tonnes of help.

TwinkleStarrr · 09/12/2023 17:26

YANBU
And yes I think this is selfish on many levels.

  • A sick child needs rest, no point in dragging them around like this..
  • She should have thought about other people's kids being contaminated.

I would casually mention that my kids and I got sick just after that meeting..

And screw it.

(I feel for you really, this happened to me many times)

Original poster
HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:26

Scottishskifun · 09/12/2023 17:22

Honestly OP at 12 months they will pick it up regardless of if someone in the groups child has a cold if any of them are in nursery or go to a baby group! It's very different if they had noro or d&v bug etc but for a cold nope.

And good luck a baby not getting colds from day dot if you have a 2nd and have a sibling about!!!

I’ve said I’m not a germaphobe and accept they’re going to get ill, but that’s different to someone KNOWINGLY bringing a sick child to a group meet up and letting said child suck on and play with toys that the other children are also playing with.

This time it was ’just a cold’ yes but last time it was strep a which is bloody nasty. It’s just selfish imo.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 09/12/2023 17:27

I HATE when people do this. Yes it would annoy me so much.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/12/2023 17:30

She is selfish, I doubt her child enjoyed it either as she was probably feeling rough. This mum just didn't want to miss out on her socializing

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/12/2023 17:31

My youngest had a constant cold for his first 9m thanks to siblings! I think its just part and parcel of kids and its easier sometimes go get out of the house once they're over the worst of it which they generally are after 4 days

TeaKitten · 09/12/2023 17:32

KNOWINGLY bringing a sick child to a group meet up and letting said child suck on and play with toys that the other children are also playing with.

Were you letting your child play with these toys? I can totally see what you are saying. But the fact is she did ask, you said nothing and went anyway. Neither of you wanted to miss out having already paid. It’s just one of those things, you new you’d probably get ill and you have so there’s no point being mad about it now.

Leafysuburb · 09/12/2023 17:33

Kids are constantly ill, I'd have been shut up for over a year between my DC if I'd stayed at home every time one was ill.

RantyAnty · 09/12/2023 17:34

She's a selfish cow more concerned with her own social outings than the well being of her child.

Where was the child's father?

The child should have been home resting.

Some people are just that selfish and aren't happy until everyone around them is sick right before or at Christmas.

Newsenmum · 09/12/2023 17:36

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/12/2023 17:31

My youngest had a constant cold for his first 9m thanks to siblings! I think its just part and parcel of kids and its easier sometimes go get out of the house once they're over the worst of it which they generally are after 4 days

Sounded like more than a cold though.

I would never do that to my friends and not fair on my child either, no matter how bored I might be at home.

Scottishskifun · 09/12/2023 17:36

HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:26

I’ve said I’m not a germaphobe and accept they’re going to get ill, but that’s different to someone KNOWINGLY bringing a sick child to a group meet up and letting said child suck on and play with toys that the other children are also playing with.

This time it was ’just a cold’ yes but last time it was strep a which is bloody nasty. It’s just selfish imo.

Show quote history

If they knew it was Strep A and werent on antibiotics then yes but actually strep A also stops being contagious after 48 hours of antibiotics.

If you didn't want your child to be exposed then don't go! But there is everything going around at the moment as its winter and actually it's good for your babies immune system.

DS1 is in the age group that wasn't exposed to things due to lockdowns when he was 12 months.....this is also the age group where unknown consequences are still occurring from basic illnesses. Strep A, hepatitis risk from RSV, more severe reactions to basic illnesses etc. He's been blue lighted more then once as the immune response is greater (paediatrics told us this was happening last time as I asked why he kept having severe illnesses....he had croup not a serious infection)

DS2 gets ill frequently he has a older brother and goes to nursery but I much prefer him having a cold then the risk that has occurred with the 3-6 year old range!

Vinrouge4 · 09/12/2023 17:36

It is really inconsiderate and selfish. I went for a pub lunch this week and the woman behind me coughed non stop, spat into a tissue and looked very unwell. Why come out when you are clearly contagious? This morning I have woken with a sore throat and feel really resentful.