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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

164 replies

HydrateYourself86 · 09/12/2023 17:08

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
QueenBean22 · 09/12/2023 18:17

She’s a selfish woman and manipulated the others so she wouldn’ lose her money.

I wouldn’t have taken my child in her situation.

but hopefully this means you’ll all be recovered by Christmas week, you probably would have caught it sooner or later

cornflakesandtea · 09/12/2023 18:26

Can you try and get in there sooner than the others next time she says her baby is ill and say "oh no, never mind! Hope baby gets better soon and we'll see you next time!"

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:29

Humbugg · 09/12/2023 18:16

Are you on baby 1 OP?
I feel like by second baby mums really don’t worry about this sort of stuff.

I really don’t agree with the OP but I really detest this ‘first mum’ bullshit. I had it from various doctors when my first was severely poorly - ‘Oh are you a first time mum?’ Implying I was being precious. Yes I was a first time mum at that point, but I had fucking instincts that realised just how sick my child was before any of you idiot professionals did.

Every child is different. I know mothers who have one child and have a better grip on things than mums with three. Lets not with this rhetoric.

Humbugg · 09/12/2023 18:39

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:29

I really don’t agree with the OP but I really detest this ‘first mum’ bullshit. I had it from various doctors when my first was severely poorly - ‘Oh are you a first time mum?’ Implying I was being precious. Yes I was a first time mum at that point, but I had fucking instincts that realised just how sick my child was before any of you idiot professionals did.

Every child is different. I know mothers who have one child and have a better grip on things than mums with three. Lets not with this rhetoric.

Show quote history

Are you still on baby 1? Just curious

Scottishskifun · 09/12/2023 18:40

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:29

I really don’t agree with the OP but I really detest this ‘first mum’ bullshit. I had it from various doctors when my first was severely poorly - ‘Oh are you a first time mum?’ Implying I was being precious. Yes I was a first time mum at that point, but I had fucking instincts that realised just how sick my child was before any of you idiot professionals did.

Every child is different. I know mothers who have one child and have a better grip on things than mums with three. Lets not with this rhetoric.

Show quote history

I think it's more when you have 1 baby you scowl at anyone in baby group, the library, coffee shop or supermarket with a sniffle....when you have more then 1 you very quickly realise that there is nothing you can do other then roll with it as their sibling will bring every single illness home and give said illness to the baby regardless of how old that baby is!

I mean DS2 in the first 6 months had chickenpox pox (yes it's possible he got it at 2 weeks old) 3 colds, bronchiolitis and croup. He's a winter baby which didn't help!

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 18:45

Next time go in first and put in group chat: See you next time then. Hope little Gemma feel better soon.
I absolutely hate people like this mum.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 09/12/2023 18:46

Im with you.

When people do this I tend to pretend that they're going to do the right thing rather than directly challenging them "aww that sucks you can't come, but you're right it wouldn't be fair to pass it on".

Ofc that means you need to be swift!

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 18:54

I don't really understand most of these comments. If I didn't go out or take my kids out when we have colds we wouldn't have been out in 4 (yes 4) weeks! That's toddler life. If you don't want to catch it, you should isolate yourself

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 18:57

Stress101 · 09/12/2023 17:24

YANBU. My children are teenagers now but we went through the mill at times due to selfish parents bringing their sick children to nursery, school, parties etc. My SIL was the worse. Her DD was constantly sick but because she lived in PIL house we couldn't escape the sickness. It was alright for her, she had one child, didn't work and had tonnes of help.

How would you work if you couldn't take your kid to nursery with a cold? Most of us would be out of a bloody job

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 18:58

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:29

I really don’t agree with the OP but I really detest this ‘first mum’ bullshit. I had it from various doctors when my first was severely poorly - ‘Oh are you a first time mum?’ Implying I was being precious. Yes I was a first time mum at that point, but I had fucking instincts that realised just how sick my child was before any of you idiot professionals did.

Every child is different. I know mothers who have one child and have a better grip on things than mums with three. Lets not with this rhetoric.

Show quote history

Generally speaking parents are more precious with the first than second third etc though. It's no secret. I was the same

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:58

Humbugg · 09/12/2023 18:39

Are you still on baby 1? Just curious

Show quote history

No, but the first time baby shit still pisses me off. And I swear mine were so different I was like a first time mother which of those tiny whirlwinds.

Humbugg · 09/12/2023 19:00

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 18:58

No, but the first time baby shit still pisses me off. And I swear mine were so different I was like a first time mother which of those tiny whirlwinds.

Show quote history

I think people are naturally more cautious as first time parents but I respect your opinion if you disagree

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 19:00

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 18:58

Generally speaking parents are more precious with the first than second third etc though. It's no secret. I was the same

Show quote history

It’s the sanctimonious way that people speak down to first time parents that drives me bonkers. I despise it. It’s an excuse to be rude a lot of the time and to dismiss parents genuine concerns. I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen it since. The idea that mothers with more than one child are some how more relaxed and even better parents really grates on me. Having another child didn’t make me any more experienced because it was a whole different ride with the second and then again with the third. It was different every time.

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 19:02

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 19:00

It’s the sanctimonious way that people speak down to first time parents that drives me bonkers. I despise it. It’s an excuse to be rude a lot of the time and to dismiss parents genuine concerns. I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen it since. The idea that mothers with more than one child are some how more relaxed and even better parents really grates on me. Having another child didn’t make me any more experienced because it was a whole different ride with the second and then again with the third. It was different every time.

Show quote history

Hmm yeah you are probably right. It does always seem to be said from the top of a high horse!

Stress101 · 09/12/2023 19:03

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 18:57

How would you work if you couldn't take your kid to nursery with a cold? Most of us would be out of a bloody job

Show quote history

Its never just a cold though.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 19:04

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 19:02

Hmm yeah you are probably right. It does always seem to be said from the top of a high horse!

Show quote history

I mostly experienced it from medical professionals which is probably the reason I get so wound up about it! So many made out I was being precious when my child was really ill. It makes me so cross that they dismissed me purely because it was my first child. One female doctor even said to me that if I had more they would have been more likely to be concerned about what I was saying. It gives me the rage even today 😂

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 19:05

Stress101 · 09/12/2023 19:03

Its never just a cold though.

Show quote history

How else do you build an immune system?

Blondebutnotlegally · 09/12/2023 19:06

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 19:04

I mostly experienced it from medical professionals which is probably the reason I get so wound up about it! So many made out I was being precious when my child was really ill. It makes me so cross that they dismissed me purely because it was my first child. One female doctor even said to me that if I had more they would have been more likely to be concerned about what I was saying. It gives me the rage even today 😂

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🤣 not surprised. I do have a vague recollection of a Dr asking me if it's my first child when i took them in for something. I mean YES it is and YES I am overreacting but the audacity

Eveningintheafternoon · 09/12/2023 19:18

I can see I’m in a minority but I just carry on as normal with a cold, and nursery accept children with coughs and colds too. But it is your call as a parent to decide - however you need to accept that applies to everyone else too.

Brefugee · 09/12/2023 19:20

MiddleParking · 09/12/2023 18:05

Why on earth would anyone else in the group chip in? That seems like a really quick way to lose the friendship group you’ve just paid out a significant sum of money to gain.

Show quote history

well of course they wouldn'T but it drives the point home.

I would have answered the first pathetic request with a resounding "no" and then I'd have told her to get a fucking grip

TwilightSkies · 09/12/2023 19:23

You were warned and decided to go, putting yourself and DD at risk of getting infected. What do you expect people to say?

justasking111 · 09/12/2023 19:25

It's annoying to lose money ducking an event. But IMO it's more worrying and annoying to be ill like this. I get a bit leery in December because there's so much to do for Christmas.

Junemoon222 · 09/12/2023 19:29

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 19:31

YANBU. Although you could have picked up a cold anywhere.

Pre-Covid it was always baffling to me how people were totally cool with turning up to social situations streaming with illness. Now with everything we know about spreading respiratory illness since Covid, and hugely raised public awareness, it should be totally unacceptable.

Goldbar · 09/12/2023 19:33

Humbugg · 09/12/2023 18:16

Are you on baby 1 OP?
I feel like by second baby mums really don’t worry about this sort of stuff.

This is sort of what I think too. Of course in principle sick kids should be kept away from others, but once you have one at school/nursery, it's impossible to insulate smaller ones from the germ stew which circulates especially in winter. And school expect them to be in, even if unwell, unless fever/vomiting.

I go by the school/nursery rules on excursions/isolation, and would keep a clearly unwell baby at home if I could. For everything else, we'd be out and about. If I was meeting someone 1-1 or a small group, I'd give a heads-up, but in big groups everyone takes their chances. I don't know whether that makes me unreasonable or not.