To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

[HydrateYourself86]

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

If you read the op it was much worse than a cold

You'll know next time to say sorry please don't come, we were all ill for Xmas last time.

YANBU OP but when she asks you need to square your shoulders and say no to her, and if you need justification, it's because you need to protect your child, it's your job as a mother. Your child has been harmed by this woman's shitty behaviour.

Yanbu. I've got a 14mo who's got a bad cough and cold and I'd be fuming if he'd caught it because someone did what that woman did. Her poor child being dragged out feeling like that. And it not "just a cold" , babies are really ill with colds and it's easier for them to progress to much worse. I'd avoid this woman imo

If it happens again then you reply and say you'd really rather poorly babies aren't brought to the group.
This happened because no-one else said anything and went along with it.

But yes it's really selfish.

YANBU and poor sick baby.

I'd message and say that's your dc caught their dc's cold and you have been up all night the last three nights. Say their dc was clearly ill and should have stayed at home. Silly selfish woman.

It’s really good for them to get exposed to germs. The more the merrier, unless they are immune compromised. I missed out on lots of things as a child and I’m a sickly adult. I’ve never had chicken pox and it’s a real headache. The more germs they get now, the stronger their immune system is. Trust me, when they go to nursery and school they’re I’ll constantly, it’s better to have it when they’re smaller than a bit bigger in my opinion!

This time it was a cold. Last time I’d she knowingly brought her child with strep that’s different, but this time was a cold.

I was at a pantomime last year and the baby behind me was clearly unwell snotty and coughing and wouldn't stop crying. The parents sat through the first hour and a bit of the show with the baby screaming it's head off then eventually left after giving the baby a bottle which was promptly thrown up all over the chairs they were sitting on. They didn't even attempt to clean it up or make anyone aware. I had to go and find a member of staff after an elderly lady walking past used the chair (it was at the back row) to hold her balance and stuck her hand in it 🤮. I get they would have been disappointed to lose money after booking tickets but the baby was clearly really unwell and shouldn't have been brought out and wasn't even old enough to enjoy a pantomime anyway!

Tell me if I’m being a bit… but there seems to be some kind of badge of honour now to traipse sick or underdressed kids out and about, as if to say ‘oh look how laidback and unflappable I am, and how resilient my kids are’. It’s a bit nuts and I’m sure the kids would rather be at home on the sofa with a hot drink.

I would have said 'we really don't want another bug so unless ill baby can socially distance and the window will be open we'll stay home this time - thanks for letting us know mum of ill baby'

And I would have stayed home if she didn't say 'ok I won't come'

Put a note in the group saying that you are ill and that you didn'T appreciate the mum doing that.

And then next time she puts a note in the group saying that, answer with "stay away with your germs" (you fucker)

YANBU, people need to stay home if at all possible if they are ill (or their baby is). Too many bugs doing the rounds as it is without spreading it around on purpose. If adults do need to go out for essential purposes (like work, food, medical care etc) when ill they should do the polite thing and wear a mask (preferably FFP2 but any mask will help reduce the risk of passing an infection on).
Your friend is in the wrong and YANBU but you do have a bit of control here as you were pre-warned, I would probably not have gone and lost the money rather than knowingly put myself in that position, or asked her to stay home with her poorly little one.
I actually am losing trust in society that people will merrily pass around illnesses that might not be serious for them but could have a big impact on someone more vulnerable ( I would include otherwise healthy babies in that too). It's why I still wear a mask in the supermarket too, I can't control whether people will go in there whilst infectious (or be working there whilst infectious, many supermarket staff don't get proper sick pay so aren't in a position to be off sick unless they're literally bed bound) but I can control my risk of catching something by wearing a decent mask
Really hope you're both better soon 💐
P.s. I would definitely be letting your friend know that you and your little one are ill now! Maybe they will think twice next time 🤞

you are a mother. You have to learn to stand up and say "no" even if it makes you unpopular.

And you could have said: well i don't want to come - who is going to chip and refund me?

she was perhaps feeling quite desperate and not thinking straight

I was working at home all week, saw no-one the only place I went was to our mini co-op twice. Came down with a humdinger of a cold and cough. My fault I usually wear gloves when shopping in the winter but didn't bother.

Germs are lurking everywhere 🤧🤢

you’re being a bit…

Why on earth would anyone else in the group chip in? That seems like a really quick way to lose the friendship group you’ve just paid out a significant sum of money to gain.

Yeah, annoying. I honestly think some people just don’t see it from any perspective but theirs

last christmas my baby was about 5 weeks old when a relative turned up with what was clearly a terrible cold & chest infection… I said something along the lines of “oh goodness, if i’d known you were so ill we’d have rearranged” to which they explained they ‘wouldn’t have missed it for the world’… i had to politely explain I meant more that my baby hadn’t been exposed to much yet and hadn’t yet had vaccines etc.

she actually ended up with RSV , which I’m convinced was from that visit

Next time say no or don't go. Now I'm at "a certain age" my friends and I have all got much better at saying "thanks but no thanks" when someone offers to share germs.

you’ve known these mothers over a year and presumably see. them many times.

So, presuming they’ve never had cause to genuinely see you as an “uptight ninny” i’m confused why you didn’t say “shame you’ve had a tough few nights. I’m afraid i’ll have to duck out of this one as v keen to avoid us picking up anything. Hope to see you soon after you’re well”

I just shouldn’t have gone which I accept now but in the same vein, why should I be the one to stay at home

because the majority 3 v 1…. we’re comfortable with it

Not unreasonable. A sniffle/runny nose is fine, but when the child is clearly unwell and miserable it's definitely selfish.

Are you on baby 1 OP?
I feel like by second baby mums really don’t worry about this sort of stuff.