To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

[HydrateYourself86]

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

I voted yabu because you knew she was coming and went anyway.

I agree she shouldn’t have come and you shouldn’t have to miss out because of it but you can’t control another person’s actions and you knew what she was going to do.

I think it’s rude coming to a social event sick or with a sick child.

I did baby groups but they were in large spaces and usually outside of cold/flu season. DH works from home and I’m a SAHP. We usually go to public places during quiet hours and are the in and out type shoppers so our exposure to colds and whatnot is mainly from the kids but they rarely get sick.

She was definitely selfish and YANBU, but it'd be a shame to cause division in the group with a really rude message.

Maybe something like "It was great to see everyone the other day. Hope lovely little X is feeling much better and that everyone else is ok. Unfortunately DC caught that nasty cold so now we've had three sleepless nights and unhappy days too. It's now happened a few times - catching cold from poorly children at social events. Shall we all agree that from now on we don't bring along any children who are unwell?"

YABU to complain about it now

You knew the risk and decided to go ahead anyway.

Some proper, effective communication between the group would have prevented this.

If you weren’t happy about her coming you should have said so at the time.At the very least to your other friends, if not to her directly.
This should have been a joint decision.

Sorry op but you do need to take responsibility for yourself.

That-said, it is unreasonable of her to take a sick baby out.She should have kept baby at home.

To be fair I’d find that a rude message. She told the others the baby was ill. Babies are often ill. Op could have stayed at home.

If the Mum hadn’t forwarned then maybe a quick ‘we’ve had such a bad run of illnesses lately could I have a heads up if any of your babies are ill and we’ll swerve the meet up’ That’s not rude and it’s clear the OP is wanting to be more cautious than normal Mums.

I would still think that message strange if the baby was in nursery though. Unless you stay at home for 4 months in winter babies are going to get ill. Doesn’t mean the parents get ill too so it’s not necessarily a bad things. It’s a process to building immunity.

It's also inviting the response that OP doesn't actually know where her baby got the cold, especially as they also go to nursery.

For all that OP doesn't think she's BU, the other people in the group evidently don't agree. It's she who is out of step with the others, as three are actively fine with it and nobody else has shown any evidence of being bothered. For that reason, I'd be wary of trying to introduce a new norm that only she seems to want. Sounds like a good way of getting left out.

YANBU.

It drives me fucking mad when people do this. It's selfish and shitty behaviour.

First of all, mean to her poor baby who was sick and would have felt better resting at home. Dragging an ill baby out in winter when she's miserable is unfair on the baby.

Second, why spread germs around and ruin someone else's week. Absolute twat.

I have friends who show up with this kids, and have even sent the similar message beforehand.

Now I just say at the start 'Im sorry I can't take one more cold or cough this year- I'm going to move to the other side of the table and I'll be keeping my distance while Hazel's under the weather.' And if that makes her feel awkward then good, maybe she'll stay the fuck home next time.

Also OP, next time jump into the group chat earlier and respond

'Thanks so much for checking, Janet. I'm at my wits end with all the diseases through our house lately and I couldn't take one more. I'm sorry you won't make it, I'll drop you around a doggy bag.'

Fuck her, she's been rude. So can you.

In this case I think this message would seem odd as noone else was bothered with the person coming so clearly didn't care (I personally would care, but these people didn't). She could always try sending it but I'd assume she won't get a response

A tactful reply might be something like 'Maybe [insert name of child] would enjoy a cosy house day if he/she isn't very well - we'll hopefully see you soon/once he she feels better. Take care'. If they still planned to go then I might give it a miss. I also understand that kids get colds and other bugs, and it's part of childhood, but this one could have been avoided if the other parent took a bit of responsibility.

Mmm, it seems pretty clear there's already a norm in this group now. And the person whose behaviour OP objects to seems to be the most liked one in the group, from what was said about her being seen as the bees knees. Posters are being quite optimistic assuming OP would be in a position to change the prevailing views and behaviour in the group at this point.

It might be more sensible to try and build on the fact that the ill baby was actually mentioned this time, so it can become an unwritten rule that people let others know so they can swerve it if preferred.

She shouldn't have taken her baby out if baby felt so unwell they were miserable, but kids often are snotty or coughing but otherwise are well in themself. DD has had a cough for about 3 weeks but is otherwise totally fine. That is not stay-at-home worthy.

You had an opportunity to speak up in the group chat, in person, or you could have left yourself. You can't control the actions of others but can your own, so if you didn't want your toddler to catch the cold, you shouldn't have gone/could have left/not allowed any sharing of toys.

Maybe something like "It was great to see everyone the other day. Hope lovely little X is feeling much better and that everyone else is ok. Unfortunately DC caught that nasty cold so now we've had three sleepless nights and unhappy days too. It's now happened a few times - catching cold from poorly children at social events. Shall we all agree that from now on we don't bring along any children who are unwell?"

When children are at school, you'd never see each other again. DD has permanently had a cold since school in Sept.

I’m totally with you op. First and foremost I don’t think it’s fair to the poor bubba, I’m sure they would rather be snuggled up at home than dragged out- we wouldn’t out ourselves through it would we!
secondly it’s selfish and inconsiderate of others, I have a vulnerable child for whom a cold is very serious and o have lost count of the amount of times I’ve had to remind so called friends of this when they try and bring snotty kids over. I’ve stood up and pointedly left places when they were full of germy kids, it absolutely sucks that we miss out out cuz of it, we have just got home from yet another week in hospital. I would have pointedly said, ‘thanks for letting us know flower is sick, as I can’t risk buddy get sick again we will bow out and lose the money. Have fun all!’ If they are reasonable they will back track, if not then they aren’t really friends

Next time I’d say ok well I’ll have to sit this one out as last time DD was sick for x number of days and it was a real struggle. I’d make sure they know they made you sick. Hope those who said yes are sick too