To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

[HydrateYourself86]

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

This.

But one of the reasons why people are getting hit with more illnesses is because we didn’t mix during 2020. It’s worse for us to keep our distance, you don’t build up your immune system and then you get hit hard when you do finally get sick. It’s good for children to pick up coughs and colds when they’re little. It builds them up as they get older. And I say this as someone who had a child hospitalised with scarlet fever.

YANBU. I'd message the group;

"Has anyone else's child come down with the cold and cough? It's horrible and nothing seems to be working to help their cough, any tips? ☹️"

May make her think twice.

But next time, just get in there and say that you think it may be best that she sits out that catch up. Be brave and say what you feel. You won't be the only one who feels the same way, the ones who said she could come are either people pleasers or just very lucky their children are clearly rarely ill.

This is it, she was a clearly unwell baby. Hacking her guts up and pouring with snot the entire time. You couldn’t even really hear yourself think because she was just constantly coughing, she coughed so hard and for so long at one point, we were worried she was going to be sick (which had happened that morning according to her mum)

DC is in nursery 2 days a week so is exposed to lots of germs (hence our run of it lately) so I’d rather not be exposed to it in a totally avoidable social situation. She should have stayed home and of and the 2 people saying yeh fine were only saying that because it was her and they are ALWAYS simpering and up her backside about everything.

Time to put on your big girl pants and advocate for your child, no matter how much of an “awkward ninny” it makes you seem.

Next time say, ok I’ll not be coming then because my DC caught your DC’s bug last time & was miserable. Then she looks like a twat for making you not go.

This doesn’t stop at school age either. My DD got a sick bug from a child who was sent to school having being sick all night. Was then sick in the classroom and lots of them got it 🙄

I think it does make you more relaxed about minor illnesses though, especially when two thirds of the reception class have some bug or other (all caught from each other).

Maybe this group of friends isn’t for you if this is how you feel about them?

Well there are lovely members too. None of them are horrible to be fair, just one is quite selfish (it seems) and 2 others seem to be enablers/ advocates of that, but I’m not going to dismiss a whole group because of it.

@HydrateYourself86 I totally understand this. It’s incredibly selfish. When my child was a few months old they picked up something that was awful for a week and I caught it too. I am not sure if the mum knew that there were symptoms at that time but it’s made me very wary of being around people who do not care about spreading germs. In future I would steer clear… I know NCT groups are important and loved by a lot of women but personally I avoid any big groups of babies and just have to hope for the best with nursery! Hope you have a better night tonight.

I work in child health and I don't think this is a problem at all. 1) Generally, children will get unwell, especially over winter, and healthy children don't need to be protected from others, this is how they build a healthy immune system. We are built to live together in large social and family groups. 2) Even if you don't share the same belief as me as above, you were warned and could have said no, or could have said you wouldn't attend and likely she would have pulled out. 3) It's really isolating being a mum of a baby and I really don't judge the mum for checking in with you all but still wanting to come. 4) People always seem convinced they got the cold/illness from the obviously unwell person coughing and sneezing whereas you could literally have got it anywhere at any time. The most infectious time for common illness is before you show symptoms and vectors will be everywhere at this time of year you can't possibly know for sure it was them, correlation is not causation.

Sounds like her toddler had a cold - and she checked ahead so if anyone was really worried they could have mentioned.

I think generally it's business as usual with a cold and it won't hurt healthy kids getting a few colds - if you were concerned the time to mention was before it's too late now. Some kids would spend their life at home if they stayed home any time they had a cold.

So your child goes to nursery two days a week, who is to say he or she hasn’t caught the bug at nursery? I think you’re being too precious. You can catch a bug anywhere.

I'm torn on this, nursery's would have to accept this or they would never have children in them. Ds has been constantly sick since starting nursery at 10months and so have all the other babies there. At drop off last week the mum ahead of me in the queue was leaving in a very dosed wee one in my sons room and i was just like urgh here we go again. But it's just part of the process. They obviously won't accept a temperature or loose nappies or vomiting etc but a cold they would absolutely accept. In that respect i kind of see why she's done what she's done, especially with kids of that age. It's annoying but I'd see it as something ds would be in contact with at nursery anyway.

I personally would have kept ds off if he was very unwell, moreso because he'd have been cranky and upset being out and might have been more comfortable at home. But at the same time ds has been sick with colds and other bugs constantly for the past 6 weeks since starting nursery. Am I meant to be housebound for 6 weeks?

I think she's asked, it's just a cold and presumably all the kids there are in reasonable health, you had the option to say no or at least bring your own toys and entertain your child separately. There's every chance the mum doesn't cope great being trapped at home with a sick child and is in desperate need of company and to get out for an hour. I can't say I blame her for that. We've all been there and it's really tough. If you've both paid in advance then I can see why she wanted to attend.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for being frustrated but I think expecting her to forego a paid event when she's asked in advance if there's any issues bringing her child is unreasonable given its just a cold.

Regular occurrence on here people to come on complaining that they got ill because someone else did something they disapprove of. It couldn't possibly have been asymptomatic transmission.

Some people are strange around illness OP.

I have a family member who is very strange around her children's sickness. If we have a family event, and one of her children is Ill (think tummy bugs, impetigo, hand foot & month) instead of staying home, she will bring the sick child but tell the rest of the family it is up to them if they want to come or not 😂..

Makes me laugh every time because it is so backwards!

Some people can't stand to miss out regardless of whether their child is Ill or not.

....but you went KNOWING there was going to be an unwell child there, and you still went and took your child into that environment anyway.
You both had a choice to make. The other mum made hers and you made yours.

I'm sure someone else has already pointed that out.

Oooh this is a hard one, because I completely get it. If my DD (7 months) is ill I don’t take her to avoidable places or baby groups for 48 hours. After 48 hours I’d hope she wouldn’t be contagious, but also by this time I NEED to get out. So it is irresponsible of the woman in a way, but then I’d be a hypocrite to completely condemn her, and she did ask if everyone was okay with it and you could’ve backed out.
They catch EVERYTHING at nursery and you can’t not work and keep your child home because another kid at nursery has a cold, so you just have to accept that it’s part and parcel of having young children. Sometimes they’ll get ill and you can’t know where from. In fact I’m with my DD 24/7 on Mat leave currently and I got the last cold we had first and gave it to her. I can only assume it was from a baby class (we don’t get out much!) but you’d think she would have caught it sharing toys etc. so you really just don’t know.

That said, because of the time of year I don’t think you are being entirely unreasonable. To catch something now and by the time it does the rounds of the household means someone could be ill for Christmas. For us, that’s the only time of year DP gets a full two weeks off work, and this is our first Christmas as a family of 3, so for that reason I’m locking down from next weekend because I really want to be able to enjoy this Christmas.

So maybe you need to assess risk and the implications of going somewhere where you know someone is ill. Not that it’s entirely fool proof by any means but you were aware in this situation.

I hope you all feel better soon though and get it all out the way for Christmas xx

Honestly if we stayed home whenever either of my children had a cold we would literally never leave the house. I have a 3 year old who goes to nursery once an week and a 9 month old. We basically have a weekly rotation of who is ill, my eldest will go to nursery, the next day he’ll start with a cold, he’ll then pass it on to his younger brother then they’ll both be over it in time for the eldest to go to nursery again and we start again.

If it was something like D&V or hand, foot and mouth or if they have a temperature with it we stay home but if they have a runny nose and a bit of a cough then we carry on as normal.

You had the option not to go so could’ve made your excuses and not gone 🤷‍♀️

I would just take my own voice.

Ah great baby is now well enough to go out but we have had our fill of bugs lately so will give it a miss. Enjoy.

When my first was tiny there was one mum who did this.

She is no longer in my friend circle just due to time and covid and schools.

However I heard the other day she hosted a birthday party whilst her child had chicken pox and didn't tell them until half way through when she announced it as a chicken pox party.

I’m with you a OP - I think in this situation I’d generally just remove myself from it and say “sorry, I’ve had my fill of colds lately so I won’t be coming” …I’m the same socially though, I have asthma and someone else’s head cold is my chest infection…it’s just not worth it

From my perspective it isn’t so much about the illnesses it’s about the consequences of them - days of broken sleep (no joke if you have a baby who isn’t a great sleeper as it is), trips to GP if they sound chesty, struggling to feed them… it’s all so much hassle, for the sake of 1 meet up it isn’t worth me passing that all onto another mum.

I agree with you but I'd almost be more annoyed at the people who said "yeah it's fine come anyway" as they awnsered on your behalf really when you didn't want to risk getting ill. Hope you get better soon.

Colds - carry on as normal as hard to avoid. But the child sounds pretty sick- beyond a sniffle- so agree with you they should stay home. Same for stomach bugs etc.

Kids constantly have snotty noses and coughs in winter. It's part and parcel of having kids. You're being very PFB.