To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

[HydrateYourself86]

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

YANBU... there's are mild colds and sniffles, fine... But this was out of line, and cruel to get child who clearly needed to be at home.

Next time get in there first with ‘that’s a shame, see you at the next meet up, hope xxx feels better soon x’

YANBU. I stayed in today my last one is mrs snot.

There is nowt more selfish in this world than other people. The entitlement is astonishing.

Absolutely zero fucks given

Yabu. They will get this particular cold at some point, and you're never going to convince the entire human race to stay inside when they get a cold. It's just not going to happen, so I don't understand the moaning and berating individuals for it when that's not how our culture works, and it's never going to be.

Yes she’s unreasonable for putting it that way in the group and then still attending but I don’t think you can really complain as you knew she was ill and still attended.
But I may be biased because I hated the dynamics of my NCT group and I decided to stop socialising with them because it was more stress than it was worth.

It’s not good for a babies immune system to get ill. Oh my god. Why do people still think this.
Your kid has literally been blue lighted and you think it’s good to get ill. Thats like the literal opposite to what’s good for the immune system.
There is no immunity debt. That’s not a thing. 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP I would be pissed they came if the kid was that ill but I would have asked to rearrange or say something and if that wasn’t a thing I would have either not gone or sat outside or asked for mine to takeaway.

Order kids are better often to deal with things like RSV because their airways are also bigger/more developed.

I feel sorry for her baby as well. Why remove the comfort of home when they are feeling so unwell.

Whooping cough is also on the rise.
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2023/dec/09/what-is-whooping-cough-and-why-are-cases-rising-in-england-and-wales

In future you need to be direct about how you feel. No need to be rude but explain that last time their baby’s illness was passed on and it isn’t fair on everyone else.

I agree with you OP, it’s horribly selfish. Nobody wants to get ill and she should know that. Also, her poor daughter was clearly feeling terrible and should have been made as comfortable as possible at home, not dragged out and about. I hate it when people do that.

YABU not to have opened your mouth when you had the chance. Guess you won't be making that mistake a second time.

I think it’s ultimately up to you. I don’t think either of you were right or wrong. I’ve always been fairly laid back about illnesses: “germs don’t come labelled” my MIL would say. DS1 was blue-lighted and hospitalised with COVID at 8mo so I’m not sat here having only experienced minor colds. But I suppose I am more laid back with DS2 because I’d literally do nothing if I stayed home for a cold. My toddler needs to get out and about, burn off energy. I wouldn’t stay at home for a snotty nose. The only time DS has been kept off nursery lately is for D&V. But it’s your choice. I got pissed with SIL for bringing her kids over to play when they had chickenpox, because knowingly making them ill is weird.

This. You've got to learn to say no sometimes OP.

Like I did when I'd just had my second baby. I had a toddler at home, I was recovering from a complicated CS and had a less than a week old newborn.

DH's parents arrived to say hello, and had kindly brought his aunt and uncle who were visiting (who we rarely see, they hadn't come to see us but we're just around and came along for the ride).

His uncle was streaming with cold, coughing his guts up on my doorstep. I didn't let him in, much to my MILs disgust. I said sorry no, I've got a tiny baby here and he said 'oh I'll keep away, I just won't hold baby' and went to give me a kiss/hug hello! No!

In laws weren't happy. I wasn't either, I was furious. Told them all to bugger off. DH was mortified at my 'rudeness'.

Good job I did too because the in laws came down with it two/three days later and FIL was laid up in bed for nearly two weeks with it!

People are so selfish.

I do think at this time of year there are so many coughs and colds going around it’s unavoidable- especially for babies. I think they get an average of 6 colds per year and adults 2. Babies do need to build up their immune systems.

I never used to pick up the babies colds though - I guess previous exposure/better immune system. If I were you that’s what I’d work on. It shouldn’t be a given that if you hang out with a baby with a cold (even your own) you get it.

I think, as well as being selfish for infecting others, that people that drag their child out when as ill as that little one sounded just so they (the parent) can socialise are cruel, neglectful parents.

Stay home and actually care for the child FFS. Yes, no one wants their germs but equally their child deserves better and the mother should think about putting the baby first rather than afternoon tea with the yummy mummy crew.

It's all me me me for some people isn't it? Her kid was miserable and she's made other kids and parents unwell now too but oh well, she got her afternoon tea and chat so that makes up for it, eh?!

I’m also reading your OP that it was an afternoon tea - so were the babies playing/next to each other or not?
I can understand if they were sharing toys/dribbling on each other but sat round a table?

It was a ‘baby afternoon tea’ bit of a gimmicky thing but quite good. There was a play mat with toys set up for them. So yes, they were interacting. Her DD played for about 20 mins then was up on her mum’s lap for about 30 mins coughing etc. Then back down for 15 mins or so.

Why are you pissed off? She told the entire group prior to you meeting up and you chose to go. Anyway your DC could have just as easily picked it up from elsewhere at another time. So if it wasn't this week, it might have been next week or in 2 weeks. I think YABU

Your baby needs to, and will, catch lots of colds to develop the immune system. If you think this is bad, wait until Reception!

YANBU, but people vary on this and obviously the others weren't bothered. I'd have just said I don't want DC getting sick so I'll sit this one out. Selfish of the parent though and the baby also probably would've preferred to stay home

I had similar with NCT and never got colds from these snotty babies so it made me a bit more relaxed. I think cough and snots can linger and might not be contagious, but temperature definitely no.

OP, you should have messaged the group, I'd appreciate you skipping this one if baby is ill.
Then, if others jump to defence simply message, OK, I see I am out-voted. I'll look forward to meeting up another time, then.
And I'd leave it at that.
Any probing I'd simply say, It's not appropriate or considerate to bring a sickly baby out; when ill, people need to bow out and not spread their illness as it could be anything.

What if it's rsv/flu/covid and your holiday season is now ruined? It's pretty selfish of the "friend", really.

YADNBU!

Our swimming class has a parent like this. She brought COVID once and the whole class (6kids and parents) all caught it.

Turned up with a kid who’d had D&V the day before - she still had it! I may have had words. The pool rule is 2 weeks clear after D&V for good reason 🤢

They don’t change.

Ok. I think ultimately your baby will be building up its immune system with this expose. It shouldn’t be a massive deal and I do think it’s unusual for adults to pick up all the illnesses their babies have. That’s why once past rhe newborn stage I would be pretty relaxed about colds.

There must be all sorts flying around nursery.

Exposure

My cousins do this and it drives me up the wall. This time last year I was 36 weeks pregnant went to a family do and three of the kids were really really sick, coughing, snot, crying the lot. They didn’t even bother with a heads up that kids were sick. I came down the next week with an illness that had me bed ridden and on intravenous antibiotics - ended up having a c-section cos of risk to baby. Luckily we were fine, and obviously I don’t know if I got it from them or elsewhere. Still. This winter they have done it again at two functions - bringing sick kids along. I don’t get it. Stay the f*ck home if your baby is not well!